Taxes

How in the world did I forget this! I got my taxes done today and I'm actually getting 1900 bucks back!!! Yippeeeee There was no crying at H&R Block this year like there was last year. That's so awesome!

Good Things

Well I'm only posting good things today.... So here they are...

1. My Dad and Cricket are here! It's been good to have them around.

2. I actually completed two online quizzes for my Research class. I didn't think I'd ever be able to focus again and I could for a whole 40 minute period.

3. The church ladies brought a TON of food to my mom's house today.

4. I only cried two times today! Big improvement.

5. We laughed some today.

6. It's almost bedtime

7. My mom got confirmation on her appointment. She leaves Tuesday for Chicago and has her first appointment on Wednesday.

8. My cell phone did not have to be charged in the middle of the day today.

So that's what I know. Signing off to go to bed early tonight!

Jessie

Let's Ride

Well the roller coaster ride has begun. Today we found out that our insurance company doesn't cover the Cancer Center of America Tulsa location. However, they will pay for Chicago. It's further away but we still have family there so Chicago it is! Crazy crazy!

It seems like every small hurdle is a mountain lately. I think being so tired and worked up just fuels it. The highs and lows are common I guess but I don't like it...

My Dad and Cricket should be here in a couple hours. I'm ready to see them. Tommorow I'm just gonna hang at mom's house. Doing nothing in particular. Just being there makes me feel better. I don't like being away from her too long. It makes me anxious. The week she is in Chicago will seem very long I'm sure.

My mom has always been terrified of flying. Always insisted she would never ever do it. However, to go to Chicago she has to fly each time. We told her that today and she just said okay. I about died laughing. It's amazing how pancreatic cancer helps you get over your fears... :-) We have to laugh, I think it is all that keeps us going!

Better get for now.
Jessie

Light

This evening was WONDERFUL! My mom is home from the hospital and we had a good time. She was tired and had to rest some but we spent a lot of time talking and laughing and just trying to enjoy a feeling of normalacy. Shawn and Amanda are here and Steve came over too. My aunt Shirley was there and of course Heather. We just felt almost normal tonight. A "new normal" as Oprah and Darby say.

One thing that I'm starting to realize is that we are really blessed. We just have such a huge circle of support. Friends, family, church, and neighbors are just coming out of the woodwork. People have offered financial help, transportation, food and most of all prayers and an ear to listen to us. We are going to be okay!

My mom has made the decision to go to Tulsa to the Cancer Center of America. They are supposed to call back tommorow before noon to let her know for sure if her insurance will cover it. Which if that's where she is supposed to be God will make sure that isn't a problem. Talking to them and reading over the information has given us hope. And that is what we need. I think she has made a good decision for herself. She will be going there at the earliest Monday and the latest on Thursday.

We have lots of family and friends coming in this weekend to spend time with us before we start our new journey. I'm sure it will be a busy overwhelming weekend but we need to see everyone and people need to see mom. I think it's easy to imagine the worst but when you see her she just looks like she did before.

Enough rambling! To bed I go and I'm sleeping tonight I swear!!!

Jessie

Stronger

I'm stronger today. I was a mess this morning but each hour that passes brings more peace. My mom is on her way home! Praise God. I'm looking forward to the afternoon and evening at her house with all of us there. We just need some time to be normal and relax together before the decision making begins.

I worked some this morning but came home after lunch to do a few things before I go to mom's shortly. My Dad is coming tommorow. That is a very good thing!!!

Jessie

Thousands of Tears

I feel like I've cried thousands of tears today. How I can continue to produce them I will never know. It's like I've gone into a depth of pain I could never imagine before. A horrible horrible nightmare that seems never ending...

This morning when I woke up I kept willing myself back to sleep. I just had a feeling that today would be bad. That it would be the day things changed. The drive to the hospital this morning was long. I kept thinking cancer, cancer, cancer. Though everyone else was optimistic. I should have stayed in bed. Maybe then it wouldn't be real.

My mom is so positive right now. She has a grace and a calm that is inspiring. I need to be strong for her. I need to accept this and fight with her. Tommorow I will be stronger I promise!

I think I may take that Family Medical Leave from work. You can take three months in a year. I'm gonna talk to them about that this week sometime. I wouldn't get paid during that but I'm sure my Dad and Cricket would help me. God will provide. I won't go homeless. I just think that may be what I need to do. My Dad is coming here so he can help me decide.

I should try to go to sleep again.

Jessie

Cancer

Oh God I don't want to post this. Writing it makes it too real. My mom has pancreatic cancer. I don't even know how to explain what this is like. I feel like somehow the world has enclosed on us and we just can't get air. I don't think it is real yet and I don't think I can really grasp it all yet...

My mom has always been the funniest toughest lady I know. And to know there is something like this inside her is unreal to me. My mom can fix everything! She is like magic all the time. And this is something she can't fix and that's not okay with us.

We are looking at MD Anderson in Houston and The Cancer Center of America in Tulsa for some more information and help. I swear I would backpack around the world until I found someone that can help her. I've just got to believe that God will guide us to someone that can give us some hope...

I can't write anymore

Jessie

Three of Us

That's my mom and my sister and me at Thanksgiving... I'm hoping she gets better and looks like that again soon! We are starting to miss her being her old self.... The biopsy is today and then results tommorow possibly. I'm taking most of the week off work. Work is the least of my concerns...

Off to the hospital.

Jessie

Mass

Heather and I are home from the hospital for the evening. The doctors have located a mass around my mom's pancreas. I guess it is pressing on her spine and stomach and that it where the pain is coming from. They will attempt to do a needle biopsy tommorow morning. And then I'm sure we will wait for results for several days. Nothing like having time to worry. :-)

We are emotionally exhausted and that is all I know!

Jessie

It's a Miracle

I just got home from work and Heather has completely cleaned my house! She rearranged the kitchen, made some cool artwork and got it in the kitchen, did all my laundry and dusted! I'm keeping her here forever. She is the best little roomate helper a girl could want. I'm just shocked. Now I don't feel so overwhelmed. That kid is amazing!!!

We are going to Topeka to see mom tonight. We are gonna stay overnight and come back tommorow so I'll post then.

Have a good one
Jessie

Hospital Tours

Well I've been in more hospitals in the past week than I ever want to be in. Heather and I just got home from visiting my mom. She is doing soooo much better! Her pain is easing up enough that she has slept and that has made a huge difference. They still haven't determined anything for sure but have made some medication adjustments and will run more tests over the weekend.

Her room is awesome and man was her nurse HOT! His name is Brian and he had a great sense of humor which is good since she likes to joke around. Poor guy got embarassed though because my aunt Adair grabbed his butt. She does that to everyone. I swear she is so inappropriate but can pull it off without getting her ass kicked. She just has this way about her.

The hospital room was packed tonight even though it's a big room. Heather and I were there and then my Aunt Betty showed up, my Uncle Lee and Adair and Uncle Charlie. Not to be confused with the IV stand Charlie. We spent a lot of time laughing and visiting and mom was pretty entertaining. She is funny anyways but put her on pain meds and she turns into a one woman show!

I'm gonna work tommorow and then we will go back up tommorow evening.

Jessie

Top Ten

Okay this is too funny! I just checked my old site at www.hunna.deardiary.net and I'm on the top ten list of most popular sites. How in the hell does that happen! I quit posting there and now it's popular. It's just so funny to me.

Still Waiting

Still waiting on all the test results for my mom so really I don't know much. I didn't sleep well at all last night. Tossed and turned. I think I may have gotten about 2 1/2 hours total. I'm wearing down.

I've got work I have to get done today even though I would rather take a nap. Heather is coming to town and then we are going to Topeka to see mom when I get off work. So that's a good thing.

Better get my stuff done!

Jessie

"If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart."

--Arabian proverb--

CT Scan

I love this flower pic... It makes me all calm on the inside..

My mom is having a CT Scan done now. That is amazing to me. If she was in our local hospital they would never do a test in the middle of the night. I'm feeling more optimistic already! Hopefully they can find the answer and make it all better. I'm just praying that when they scan her cat they don't find kittens!!! That would cause a whole mess of problems.

Heather and I have talked a record number of times tonight. I think we are at 854 calls now! It's amazing how many times you can talk to the same person and have something new to say. I'm gonna have to change her ring tone now though. It's set to that Reba song Hey Sister but now the words are so stuck in my head it's driving me crazy. I've never heard it so many times in a row.

I'm eating my dinner as I type. Peanuts and an apple. Yes I know it's 10:26 and I'm diabetic and I waited to long to eat and it's not the most healthy. I don't want a lecture. I'm taking care of myself. At least I remembered to feed me and it's protein and some carbs so it's all in balance. Yummy peanuts are my friend!

I got some homework done between calls but still have some to do. Just needed a break. I'm working on my learning contract for my internship and it's driving me nuts. Like big peanuts! Just seems like stupid busy work but ya gotta do it to get a master's degree. So I play the game. I can jump through hoops...

Dinner is gone so I'll sign off now. Back to work I go!!!

Jessie

One Sick Mom

My mom went to the doctor today and he sent her to a hospital in Topeka. She was admitted this evening. I'm glad he referred her on to somewhere bigger and hopefully better. But I'm still a little nervous about her being an hour away. I can't get there quick.

She insisted I not go tonight to see her. Her sister is with her. So Heather and I will go tommorow evening to be with her. I keep telling myself that this means she will get good care and it will make it better. But I'm still struggling. I'm just overwhelmed with so many emotions... God has a plan though. I just have to believe that.

Lots of homework to do and calls to make.

Jessie

New Day Dawns

Morning came way to early this morning... I'm just not feeling it. If I didn't have so much to do I'd stay home sick. But I'm gonna have to do it.

It's groundhog day. That's just fabulous. I've never understood the whole groundhog thing. If weather men can't get it right why would we trust a rodant? Food for thought huh...

Over and Out
Jessie

Mom

Just got home from my mom's house. I went out there about 10. I just had a horrible feeling that she wasn't okay. And I was right. She wasn't. Her pain was out of control. I called the doctor at home and he upped the amount of pain meds she could have. She has another appointment tommorow. He is going to refer her to a specialist. So that is good.

But I'm pretty dang worried. I have been concerned through this whole thing but tonight is the first night that I felt really overwhelmed by it. I just felt a sense of panic driving out there. I trust my gut with things. I figure it's God talking to me and I pay attention. And my gut is saying it's not okay. I don't know how to help her and it scares me!!!

She was doing a little better when I came home. And her sister Shirley is staying the night so she isn't alone. I made her promise to be honest about the pain and if it gets worse we will head back to the hospital. I'm just hoping and praying she can get into the specialist soon...

Jessie

Halfway There

When I'm driving home from class this barn marks the halfway point. I see it and know I'll make it home. It's just my little reminder of being almost there.....

More Drama

Well Monte called me back and left me a not so nice voicemail. Guess he didn't like the fact that I called him on his shit. Be nice to my mom and I'll be nice to you. Cross the line and the gloves come off. I get fierce when it comes to my mama!!! Psycho fierce if necessary!!!

I'm on break between classes so I probably ought to leave my bitching for the time being and focus on something productive.

Peace Out!
Jessie

Drama

My aunt Donna called me last night at 10:15 and told me that my mom was crying and in pain really bad. So I headed out to her place. I just stayed the night there and came back to my place this morning to get ready for work. I think she slept some and she wasn't in pain when I left so that is good.

But I couldn't stop myself. I called Monte and let him know what I think. He got her all worked up yesterday because he got on her about not having the tax paperwork done. She hasn't been out of the hospital that long and doesn't feel good. Leave her alone. So I called him last night and told him that from now on he either need to talk to her lawyer or me but to leave her the hell alone. I used other words I won't type here but it wasn't nice and I shouldn't have done it but I'm sick of the crap...

Gotta go to work

Jessie