:-(

I'm still MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Home Sweet Home

My mom is coming to my house this evening! Her house is being cleaned and she can't be around the chemicals so she is coming here. That means I get to stay at home this evening. That is pretty cool by me. I haven't been home in the evening for awhile. Plus it will be nice to have her hang out here for a change of scenery. I'm sure she has to get sick of being stuck at her house...

Jessie

Down Day

Just feeling kinda down and sorry for myself today. Talked to Darby for quite awhile tonight and that helped. I do pretty good for a couple days and then I break down. Guess it will just be a fun crazy little crying game I play. I just wonder when things changed. When my old life disappeared and this is what I was left with. I wonder if there are enough prayers in the world to make my mom okay. I'm just tired.....

Jessie

Party

We had Heather's 19th Birthday Party this evening. Mom was feeling fairly good after a long nap this afternoon. So we had a wonderful time. As you can see we are all wearing our scarves. Heather decided that if Mom wears one so will we. We have always been a good team so why stop now... It was really a great day!!!!

Jessie

Routine

I'm really developing quite a little routine. I work out in the morning, go to work, call and check on mom at noon and run errands then. I finish out the afternoon at work. Run by my house to grab the mail and check email then hit mom's house by 5:45. I hang out there, eat dinner and stay till mom goes to bed. Then I come back here, do a load of laundry or some other household crap, post on both websites, work out again, make my lunch for the next day and go to bed.

It seems to be working so far. I'm missing the homework a little bit. I'm not used to not having it... But other than that it's all good. I like the evenings with mom. I feel like I can help out a little bit there. Betty and Shirley take care of her all day so it's nice to help. Even if she is sleeping there are always dishes and laundry and med figuring or something to do. And I get to see her when she is awake which makes EVERYTHING worth it. I just adore her.

She is thinking about selling her house in the country and getting a place in town. I said she could come live here but she wants to buy a place that is big enough for everyone that is staying with her. She has asked me if I want to sell my house and come live with her at the new place and then after she passes away it could be a home big enough for me and Heather. It's something to consider. It seems foolish to keep trying to take care of two households. I'm not at my place much... It will all just depend on how big of a place she can get. I don't want her to feel smothered. It's so hard to make decisions when her time is so uncertain. I just hate this!

I'm about to fall asleep typing so I better get to bed.

Jessie

Good Days

Oh my gosh it was a GOOD DAY!!!! First I actually got stuff done at work! I really worked at the office. Amazing I know. I've been so scatter brained lately that it's hard to focus on stuff. But today I wrote court reports and scheduled appointments and actually did my job. It really made me feel good to be productive again.

Also Darby started back at the office as a paid employee this week. She is working as an administrative assistant. It's only 20 hours a week but she is there! You have no idea how okay that makes me. When she is with me I feel like I can handle anything. It may not be pretty but I can do it with her. I guess that's when you know you have the best friend in the world. Crystal's last day as case manager is on March 17th. So I'm hoping that after she goes Darby can have her desk back in our office. Then it would be like old times. I might get so excited about that I would pee my pants but I'll try to hold off.

And then most importantly my evening was spent with my mom! She was cracking me up this evening. She still slept a lot but when she was awake she was funny. We laughed so much. She thinks that all of us taking care of her are crazy! In fact I'm kinda shocked that a doctor gave us responsibility for her care. I actually tried to put the crackers in the fridge tonight! Sometimes caretakers get tired. Mom thinks we do stupid things to make her laugh but really we are just stupid sometimes.

I'm just really going to appreciate each day with her. It easy to look at this like she is dying. However she really is living. Until the day she dies she is living. And I want it to be a life for her. Not a serious sick fest. I want us to laugh and try to have as good a time as possible. I just want her to be as happy as possible for as long as she can. And I'm gonna try to just enjoy each day and look at it as a blessing.

So good day and good night folks

Jessie

Home at last

My mom is finally home! Thank God! I was really really missing her. I just needed to see her. And I did and she looks tired and she looks like she doesn't feel good but she still looks like my mom. I love her so much. It's amazing how just seeing her calms me. She makes it all okay.

Today is Heather's birthday. So Happy Birthday Heather. She is 19 which amazes me! It doesn't seem possible. She received flowers from my mom's best friend Doreen which was very nice! From the way she described them it sounds like a beautiful arrangement. She also got quite a few cards. So it wasn't to crappy of a day for her. I was worried about that. But it was "okay".

I'm gonna go to bed soon. I want to get up early in the morning to work out so I don't have to do it after work. So that's my plan.

Night all

Jessie

No Show

Mom couldn't come home today. She was too sick. Hopefully tomorrow. I miss her and need her home....

Post It

Things have been serious in our world lately. Which makes us really enjoy the funny little things! We got such a good laugh out of the above post-it note. This note was placed on a casserole that the church ladies so kindly brought us. Church lady food is the best. And they must have known that we have become complete idiots due to the stress. Seriously it is a good thing they instructed us to REMOVE THE COVER prior to baking. We have done stranger things in the past couple weeks. Cooking a plastic cover would not be out of our range of weird possibilites....

Cake and Crazy

Heather and I had her birthday cake! Not all of it. Just a piece. It was pretty dang yummy. Strawberry with Cream Cheese Frosting. She really likes that kind. We also had lunch with Shirley and Adair and Heather's best friend Jenna. It was a good time.

Roy came by and brought her a birthday card, flowers, and took her truck to wash it for her. It was very nice of him. He is being very good to us. And not good in the creepy pity us type way. Just good and nice and with no expectations.

I'm gonna read tonight. I got this cool new book called Honeymoon with my Brother. It's supposed to be very funny and good. So I'll keep ya posted on that...

Me

Difficult

I haven't posted here in awhile... It's just very difficult to find words and focus right now. Sitting down and thinking for more than 5 minutes at a time is quite an accomplishment for me. My mind races constantly but I can't seem to lock myself into even a brief moment where something makes sense. I guess this is called grief. I don't want it....

My mom has started chemo. She is still in Chicago. I wish I could say I've talked to her more but I haven't. She has been sick and resting and that means she is hard to reach. I miss her. I'm not used to being away from her for very long. And that scares me. I already miss her and it hasn't been a week. How will I ever live without her?

I've made the decision to take a leave of absence from school. Seems like the most appropriate decision. If I miss one more class they drop me and that would be bad. At least this way I can go back later and I will go back. It's just to much now. Being at the hospital for my internship was harder than I thought it would be. Sick and dying in mass quantities is just to disturbing. So by withdrawing I won't have to go there either. Just 40 hours a week at my regular job and then time with my mom. That's my plan.

Heather is here this weekend. We had some good moments yesterday. Being with her makes this easier to bear. She is the only person that really understands. She and I have the same disturbing thoughts and the same fears. She also can make me laugh when I don't want to. And we laugh a lot together. I need her like I need air anymore.

Grandma and Grandpa and my Aunt Phyllis came and took us to dinner last night. It was good they did that. Heather and I have a hard time going out. You see so many people and they ask questions and we get upset so we just stay home. When people come get us and take us it's not so hard. And we always end up having a good time.

Today Aunt Adair and Aunt Shirley are coming to take us to lunch for Heather's birthday. It isn't until Tuesday but we are celebrating early. I'm making her a cake now. We can have some of it and then she can take the rest back to share with her roomates. We are gonna have another b-day party for her next weekend when mom is home.

Better go the cake is almost done...

Jessie

Urgh

What a day at work. Had a crazy crazy court hearing with my crazy psycho family. I've never been so incredibly hated by a client before in my life. Like they seriously hate me, wish I was dead, would probably kill me themselves if they had the chance kind of hate. The kind of hate that scares me a little bit and makes me wish I had a huge husband and a lot of guns! Well maybe even one really efficient gun would work. So that just made for a lovely afternoon in my world.

My mom was doing okay tonight. Very tired so she didn't talk long. I don't like not being there with her. I so want to quit work, quit school and go to her. The fact that I'm working with some of the worst parents in the world and that is interfering with my time with my mom ticks me off! Why couldn't the world's worst mom get pancreatic cancer? Why did it have to be my mom who is really good.... The world is kind of mean sometimes.

I so wanted to watch ER tonight. It was going to be my award for working out. That was my plan. Do homework, eat dinner, do dishes, take a shower and reward me with ER. But no those stupid Olympics were on instead! No they aren't stupid. In fact I watched some bobsledding the other night and it was kinda cool. Pretty dang impressive actually that someone will get in that little sled and throw themselves down a slope of ice! What has to be wrong with a person to make them think that is a good idea?

Okay going to water my thirsty plants now...

Jessie

Look Both Ways

Today I went to work and checked my email. Usually I have emails about clients, trainings, some weird forwards, and maybe some email from my admirer. Yes lots of emails from my admirer. :-) Well today I got the funniest email I have ever received in my life! I received an email from one of the top guys at our agency. And it was a very serious email about how to appropriately cross the street! Yes that's what I said!!!

I guess some woman in our Topeka office got hit by a truck crossing the street to her office. She is fine but "shaken". No crap she is "shaken" the dummy walked in front of a TRUCK! I'd be shaken too. I'd be shaking my head at the stupidity of such a thing. But seriously his email talked about blind spots and looking both ways and which direction to cross from. Oh my lord I laughed so loud! The fact that he actually sent an email to a bunch of professionals about killed me. If I was the one that got hit by a truck I would just quit! I would quit out of sheer embarrassment. I'm not playing!

Jessie

So Lonely

Where did all the people go? I just realized this is the first night I'm really alone in a very long time. Heather is back at school. Mom is in Chicago and all the rest of the family returned to their homes. I'm a little bit lonely. Didn't know that would be possible but I am.

Mom handled the flying situation well. No major problems and no puking in the little bag. But the neatest thing is that they picked her up in a LIMO! How cool is that. Who would think that her first Limo ride would be to the cancer hospital. That part sucks but hey a limo ride is a limo ride. Country girls don't have that happen to often!

I watched American Idol tonight and that cowboy group was killing me. They were to odd for me. And the brothers on there both need to go. It's annoying me. I do like that little gal Paris. Her voice is very different. I'm not sure if I'm gonna like this season to much. I haven't really gotten to excited about any of the contestants yet. We will just have to wait and see I suppose.

Homework Calling
Jessie

Routine

Well I attempted to return to my regular routine today. I went into the office and actually worked. I only cried once when explaining things to everyone and other than that I held it together. I actually got work done! Amazing I know. My Dad came by to check on me at about 11:30. I think he was shocked I was still there and doing okay. Everyone at the office was wonderful so he shouldn't have been to shocked. Crystal got me a card that was just perfect. I wanted to whack her in the head because it was a little to thoughtful and kind and made me about cry after I had calmed down... Damn those nice people!

I did leave around 2:30 so I could come and tell Dad and Cricket good-bye. They are heading back to Baton Rouge now. I'm gonna miss them. I'm so very grateful they came here. They were so helpful and supportive and it was nice just to have people around that love us and have no expectations. If I was okay fine and if I was a mess fine. Cricket even did all my laundry before she left! And Dad fixed my doors so they would latch right and fixed an electrical problem in my bathroom. I'm a horrible hostess making them work like that but I sure loved having them here... Kinda spoiled me a bit.

I even went to class tonight and it sucked! I had a hard time staying focused and I didn't want to be there but it was research so that isn't hard to believe.

Jessie

Whirlwind

Okay the wind is the devil! My hair was all cute today and the wind was crazy crazy bad out at my mom's today and ruined it. It was so windy you could hear it howl INSIDE her house. And she doesn't live in a little hut, it's a big house! It was crazy. On her back porch there was a little tornado of leaves because the wind kinda caught there. We all just marveled all day about how pretty it looked outside but it was all a mean trick. It looked beautiful and then you walked out there and it was so freaking cold and windy. It's just not right. You'd think it was winter or something.... We have been so spoiled with nice weather that we haven't adjusted I guess.

Mom was hurting pretty bad this morning so once her pain subsided she was beat and slept until three. We all got a good laugh because about 2:00 after she had been sleeping a couple hours I went and peeked in the door to make sure she was breathing. And she was and we all laughed at me. I know now why mom's check their babies when they sleep to long. It makes ya a little nervous or something.

Once she woke up she was great. No pain in the afternoon and she seemed so much more with it. I think the rest did her a lot of good. She cracks me up. Sometimes she says the funniest things! She was sewing a pair of pants and dropped the needle on the floor. So she starts looking for it and says "There's nothing worse than looking for a needle." Then she kinda chuckles and says "Well I guess there is." I thought Heather and I were gonna pee our pants laughing so hard. It was just DAMN FUNNY!!!! We are realizing that you just have to laugh as much as possible when the opportunity presents itself.

Heather was gonna go back to school today and just couldn't do it. So she is gonna stay home until mom goes to Chicago on Tuesday. It's just to hard to leave. I think she made a good decision to just wait. Her instructors are being amazing! I should be going to her school!!!!

Heather and I started a website for mom, just for updates about her health status. So if ya wanna get to it go to www.caringbridge.org click on visit, enter her name and the password is Miracles.

That's what I know!
Jessie

Us Today

This is Heather, Mom and I today. We took a bunch of pictures so we can make her a photo album to take with her to Chicago. If we can't be with her the whole time she is getting her treatments at least she can have pictures of us....

Today

It's been an odd day. It started out good. I went to water aerobics this morning and then stayed for lap swim after that. I think the swimming is a good plan for me to keep doing. You can cry in the pool and no one notices. That's a good thing lately.

This afternoon Heather and I had a long talk. Not an easy discussion but one we needed to have. We feel like we are betraying mom to talk about the what-if's because she is so optimistic. But I think we also need to be realistic and Heather and I needed to discuss what we were thinking and feeling. At least we were able to get it out there on the table. We aren't stupid. We have read every single bit of information we can find about pancreatic cancer and it's not good. We have to be prepared. You can still be optimistic and be informed. However, it's a hard dance we do.

Tonight we all went to church together. Shawn and Amanda even went. It was nice to all sit in a pew together and no one got in trouble. :-) Tommorow I'm of course hanging with my mom. I'm hoping we can snag a little alone time together. It's hard with so many people around but yesterday I went with her when she went to lay down and we just laid on her bed and talked. Not really about anything in particular just had some time together. That's become important to me. Those nap times.

I don't know why God has given this to us. But I know there is a reason. I keep thinking I'm so grateful it's us and not some of my other family members. My cousins Sara and Todd are only children and I can't imagine what that would be like. At least Heather and I have one another to lean on and that makes it easier. Someone told me today that they are praying for a miracle and I just want to scream at them that this may already be the miracle. It's miraculous that we have TIME! Time is a luxury that many people do not have. My mom could have died in a car wreck and been gone instantly. But we still have time. We are already blessed.

Over and Out
Jessie

Taxes

How in the world did I forget this! I got my taxes done today and I'm actually getting 1900 bucks back!!! Yippeeeee There was no crying at H&R Block this year like there was last year. That's so awesome!

Good Things

Well I'm only posting good things today.... So here they are...

1. My Dad and Cricket are here! It's been good to have them around.

2. I actually completed two online quizzes for my Research class. I didn't think I'd ever be able to focus again and I could for a whole 40 minute period.

3. The church ladies brought a TON of food to my mom's house today.

4. I only cried two times today! Big improvement.

5. We laughed some today.

6. It's almost bedtime

7. My mom got confirmation on her appointment. She leaves Tuesday for Chicago and has her first appointment on Wednesday.

8. My cell phone did not have to be charged in the middle of the day today.

So that's what I know. Signing off to go to bed early tonight!

Jessie