Difficult

I haven't posted here in awhile... It's just very difficult to find words and focus right now. Sitting down and thinking for more than 5 minutes at a time is quite an accomplishment for me. My mind races constantly but I can't seem to lock myself into even a brief moment where something makes sense. I guess this is called grief. I don't want it....

My mom has started chemo. She is still in Chicago. I wish I could say I've talked to her more but I haven't. She has been sick and resting and that means she is hard to reach. I miss her. I'm not used to being away from her for very long. And that scares me. I already miss her and it hasn't been a week. How will I ever live without her?

I've made the decision to take a leave of absence from school. Seems like the most appropriate decision. If I miss one more class they drop me and that would be bad. At least this way I can go back later and I will go back. It's just to much now. Being at the hospital for my internship was harder than I thought it would be. Sick and dying in mass quantities is just to disturbing. So by withdrawing I won't have to go there either. Just 40 hours a week at my regular job and then time with my mom. That's my plan.

Heather is here this weekend. We had some good moments yesterday. Being with her makes this easier to bear. She is the only person that really understands. She and I have the same disturbing thoughts and the same fears. She also can make me laugh when I don't want to. And we laugh a lot together. I need her like I need air anymore.

Grandma and Grandpa and my Aunt Phyllis came and took us to dinner last night. It was good they did that. Heather and I have a hard time going out. You see so many people and they ask questions and we get upset so we just stay home. When people come get us and take us it's not so hard. And we always end up having a good time.

Today Aunt Adair and Aunt Shirley are coming to take us to lunch for Heather's birthday. It isn't until Tuesday but we are celebrating early. I'm making her a cake now. We can have some of it and then she can take the rest back to share with her roomates. We are gonna have another b-day party for her next weekend when mom is home.

Better go the cake is almost done...

Jessie