Communication Problems

Well had some phone issues today.... For some reason my phone decided to die. So of course I go to Alltel to get it fixed. They can't fix it but they can get me a new phone for a fee of course. So I ask them to transfer my numbers from my old phone to my new phone. They tell me it's a $10 fee for that. You have to be kidding me. I asked if they had a little midget in the back room that entered them all in by hand... I thought they just did it on the computer. They said it is on the computer but it's their "policy" to charge the fee. Whatever....

So I agree to pay the ridiculous fee. I just want my dang numbers. So she plugs it in and nothing... NOT A THING! 321 numbers in the memory and they can't get them out!!! I just melted down. For some reason I told her my mom had cancer. Her reply was, "Nice try, both my mom and dad have cancer." So I ask what kind. She says prostrate and breast cancer. So for some strange reason I say, "Ha, pancreatic cancer that has matastisized, beat that!" Who does that. What has overcome me??????? Who tries to beat someone in the cancer game???

Then it gets even worse. I ask if she has heard of Reliv. Because in the middle of a melt down I'm sure she is gonna wanna buy something from me. She says no. I explain what it is. She gives me her number and says to call her tonight to tell her more. I kindly explain that I'll be calling her all night because I have no other numbers to call and I will need someone to cry to about my mom. She explains she understands.

She gives me my new phone after she takes my check. I again explain that it is crap they can't get my numbers. She says I can keep my old phone. WHY??? For a paperweight. Why do I want a broken phone I ask... But I take it. I'm gonna smash the thing with a hammer later. Then I ask her if she really can't get my numbers or if she is just saying that because I'm a bitch. She starts laughing at me. She tells me I am funny. I say no I'm not I'm pissed at you. She says I'm the funniest pissed off person she has ever met. I explain it will be really funny when I put my broken up foot up her butt... She laughs more. I don't think this is funny. I take my new phone and my crap phone and limp towards the door. I can't even walk in a pissed off determined way because my leg is messed up. As I get to the door she says, "You do win." I forget and ask her what. She agrees that pancreatic cancer is worse so I win. I ask if I win my numbers back. She says no. I leave and vomit in the parking lot!

So I've called her six times tonight. I don't have anyone else to call. I'm gonna stalk her. I swear it! I'll end up in jail and then it won't matter that I don't have any phone numbers. You only get one call anyways....

So if I haven't called you it's because Alltel sucks! So call me and give me your number.

Jessie

Hard Day

I'm just struggling through the day today. It's been a rough one. I keep telling myself that it's normal to have a rough day yet I fight it so much. I just want it to all be okay.... It's not going to be okay for a long time. I know that in my head... I just want it all to be different, better, calmer...

I always have a rough time when my mom goes for chemo but this time is harder. They found cancer on her liver which means it's spread. And they changed her chemo to something more aggressive. Which is good because it may help but bad because more aggressive means she will be sicker. I don't want that.

I just want her to come home. It's so selfish really. I just want her with me, in her house, safe. I don't want doctor's to touch her anymore. They don't know really what they are doing. They just guess and practice on her and she is to little and real to be practiced on. I just want to love her well. I want her to come home and I want us to just love her. She is ours not theirs. And I know doctor's are good people but they hurt her. The poking and drugs and tests and sickness isn't fair to her. She is to good for that. And she deserves more, she deserves her life back.

I miss her when she is gone. And every time she goes I feel like it is a test. Can I make it without her physically with me. And each time I feel sick. Like it's some cruel mean game that God is playing with me. Take her away and give her back and see how close to crazy I get without her. I don't want to be without her, not now not ever! I need her like I need air... She's my very best friend and I can't be without her.

The benefit garage sale is for her this weekend. It's at the church and it's so nice of them to do it for us. People have been so kind to us. But I don't want it. I don't want to need help. I don't want people to bring us anymore food or anymore money or anymore help. They do that because she is sick and every time it's a reminder that things aren't right. And as grateful as I am I would give it all back and then some if she could just be okay. I don't want us to be the family people help because it's tragic. I don't like how people whisper pancreatic cancer and look at us and pity us... I just want to be us again with no explanation or needs.

I want our lives back.... I pray like crazy that God will give us a miracle. I pray that God will give us strength. I pray that God will not let me hate him for this. And that is hard. It's hard to believe that a God that is kind would let this happen to her. Would actually let people go through things like this. I know God doesn't cause cancer but God has the power to cure it. So why wouldn't he. Why would he let someone that believes in him so much suffer. Why when there are so many rotten people in the world would he let my mom who loves us so much hurt like this! Damn that pisses me off!!!

See I told ya it was a crappy day.....

Me

Limping

Well I'm just limping through the day. My ankle still sucks. Had an x-ray today and it's not broken but the doc thinks I may have torn my ligaments so I had an MRI on that. The results should be in in the morning. Hopefully that isn't the case. That would really suck!

Been working Reliv today since I was home from my real job. I'm hoping that I can get this off the ground and get to making some more money soon. I keep praying I could turn this into my only job. It would be a miracle for me to be working from home so I could be available to mom when she needed me. Somehow if that is God's plan it will happen! I just know it!!!

So I'm gonna limp back on to the living room so I can get on my training call. Hope everyone is having a good Monday!

Jessie

Hell of a Day

Woke up this morning feeling not so great. Thought I had a urinary tract infection so I made a doctor's appointment. Since it's Saturday I had to go do the lab work at the hospital and that took forever. Then of course I was right so I got my lovely prescriptions. Was supposed to be out at mom's and was already running way late. But I had a package of shake stuff to mail to Shawn and Amanda so I stopped off at the post office.

I was just meandering up to the post office and for no good reason decided to trip on my feet and wipe out! Thank God shake aren't breakable. So even though my ankle hurt like hell I jumped right up and pretended I was fine. I was so flipping embarrassed!

Since I'm such a dedicated Reliv distributor I limped my crippled butt into the post office and stood in line FOREVER to mail my package. I finally get to the counter and all I remember is the guy asking me if I want priority mail and my response was "I don't care I'm gonna pass out." Then I wake up on the floor of the post office with one guy saying he will get me water and another guy saying that he didn't think I hit my head when I fell outside! For the LOVE OF GOD!!! Why does this crap happen to me!!!

I don't know why I passed out. The doctor this it may have been a combination of the pain, the heat, the infection, everything. My blood sugar was fine and I felt fine before that other than the shooting pain in my leg! So now I have a swollen foot, it burns when I pee and my pride is badly damaged. I'm just having a great freaking weekend!

By the time I got to mom's house I just laid in the recliner and cried for a little bit. It's pretty bad when the person with PANCREATIC CANCER is getting around better than you. She actually got me an icepack for my ankle! Mom's are great!

So now I'm hoping the swelling will go down soon and the pain will go away. If it's still hurting a lot on Monday I'm supposed to have it x-rayed to make sure it's not broken. Yippee!

Jessie

Movies

Well I actually watched a movie tonight. I watched In Her Shoes. It was pretty good. Jumped around a lot but other than that it was alright. I'd give it like 3 1/2 stars....

Went out to mom's tonight and ate dinner and hung out for a bit. We have been working on a puzzle out there for what feels like an eternity. It's actually only been a couple weeks but it is huge and doesn't feel like we are making much progress. I'm ready for it to be done. I'm thinking we are about halfway now... Someday soon it will be done!

All my shipment of Reliv stuff arrived. My house is little. I've got boxes stacked in the living room. My goal for the weekend is to find a home for all of it. We will see how that goes....

Jessie

Evaluation

Today is my two year anniversary at my job. Feels like about 10 though. So I got my lovely evaluation today. Actually it was really good. I've met all my goals for the year. In fact I supposed to have 50% relative placements and I'm above that which is good because everyone else at work is below that so I'm carrying the weight. I'm also the only person at my office that has genograms done for every client. That's not a big shocker considering that I love to do genograms. It's fun for me. But anyways the eval is good so hopefully I will get my 3% raise. It's not much but I want it.

This year we aren't guaranteed the 3% raise like before. Now we get a $100 bonus for each year of work and then a possibility for a raise. I would be pretty upset if I didn't get the whole 3% though. I've had to train two case managers now this year not to mention the amount of time I carried the caseloads on my own. And meeting my goals should get it anyways. So hopefully they will give it to me! I could use the money...

Don't know much else.

Jessie

Good Times

My mom had a great day today! After I got off work we went and drove around town and looked at houses. The court stuff with her and Monte is moving ahead and hopefully she will be able to move soon. Now it's just a matter of finding a house that meets her needs and is in her price range! But God will provide. I'm sure of that.

I've been telling Darby for months that I was going to post about her Jeep and haven't done it. Today I rode in it and it was fairly cleaned out. Usually it is crazy!!! Today the only odd things I found was a tiger thing and an inflatable guitar. Usually there are all kinds of toys, food, bags, books, etc. One time there was even an oven mit in that thing! She said that she used the oven mit to keep Caden's bottle warm... Silly girl! One time there was even this toy rabbit thing of Caden's. It made sounds and moved a little but I swear it looked like a dead animal! It scared the crap out of me!!!

What's bad is that when I got in my car to leave work I realized that her weird car collection is contagious. I'm hauling around all kinds of stuff that people have donated for my mom's garage sale and my car now looks like Darby's jeep. I have mismatched coffee cups, an odd pillow thing, some wall decorations, two boxes of Kleenex, some books, a yoga mat, and about 800 drinking straw wrappers. So since my car is dirty I'm sure it is somehow Darby's fault. She has passed it on to me!!!

Jessie

Reliv

Well I'm officially a distributor for Reliv now. That's the shakes that my mom is taking. Well I'm taking them too and so is half my family. And they are working. Mom's cancer markers are down, I'm feeling good and my blood sugar is good. I've never been a person to sell things but I believe in this product. It's just good nutrition and that can't hurt anything. I figure none of us get the good stuff we need in our daily diet. So if we add it in with the shakes and give our body the food it needs to fight disease we will all be better off. And if I'm gonna tell people about it I might as well be able to provide them with it. Had a training thing all night tonight and I'm worn out but excited. I think this could be a very good opportunity for me. It may give me the chance to make some extra money and still have time with mom. That would be a miracle!

Jessie

New Neighbors

Well my new neighbors have moved in. They seem really nice. I'm kinda digging having neighbors again. It's been a long time since I've had some really nice neighbors. They are young and recently married. Pam and Nathan. I may end up really liking them. You can tell they are first time home buyers though. Everytime they see me they say "hello neighbor". It just cracks me up. They have a cool Harley and a couple dogs. They are repainting the house and mowed the lawn. So I'm digging that. Anything that makes their property look better makes mine look better. So I'm a happy girl.

Jessie

Easter

It was a great Easter at our house! Mom was actually able to go to church!!! That is huge for her. However, it was so dang hot in the church I thought I was gonna get sick so I had to leave after the sermon. But mom who is always cold was fine and made it through the whole service. She even was wearing one of the new tops that Heather and I got her for Easter. She looked nice in something that fits and a pretty scarf. How she can have cancer and still look so pretty I will never know.

Mom got me cool stuff in my Easter basket. I got some flowers that I planted this evening. Pencils which I needed but was a little bit of a joke, money, just a little candy, some teddy grahams, some crackers I like, and a cool rabbit rock for my flowers beds. Heather however got two thongs. And not the kind you wear on your feet. I swear she has to be the only person in the world that gets thongs in their Easter basket. But it's what she wanted so it's what she got. She is a funny girl!

Mowed all day yesterday at mom's house. I was so dirty and gross. I don't know how there is any dirt left in her yard! I had to wash my hair three times to get it all out. YUCK! But the yard looks nice so that is good. We also got some flowers planted for her and they look pretty. She's happy with it and that is the most important thing. I sure wouldn't mind if her yard would shrink overnight sometime though. It's HUGE.

Today after I left mom's house I came home and cleaned house and planted flowers. I got all my bulbs planted and the plants she gave me. I'm holding out a couple more weeks on my hanging baskets and pots. I like to put vinca's in my hanging baskets and they don't start selling them till the very end of April or early May. So I'm gonna be patient and wait them out. It was nice to be out and get some of that done. I'm getting one heck of a tan already. Granted it's only on my arms and face but they sure do look good. I'm digging the tan. That is the only pay off for mowing!

Jessie

Good Friday

Well it's Good Friday and it was a good Friday. Work was well CRAZY. I swear the weirdest things happen at my job. I supervised this visit today with Leslie the new case manager and it has to rank in my top 5 list of the weirdest visits I've ever supervised. Leslie was laughing so hard she was crying and I was just praying for the time to move faster. So freaking weird!

Everyone pretty much left early from work so then just Darby and I were left. That was kind of nice. We got time to visit. We have determined that we have completely crazy stressful lives. I don't understand why being a grown up has to be so hard sometimes. Her mom is also having some health problems and it is just so very stressful. Once those roles change and your parents get sick it is just a whole new world. It sucks that we are going through it all but I'm so grateful that I have a best friend that understands my craziness! God puts people in our lives for a reason!

Heather came home this afternoon which is good. I just love seeing that girl. She has such a fun little life for herself at school and I love hearing her stories. She sometimes makes me wish I would have gone away for college when I was her age. I said sometimes though. There is a lot of it that I wouldn't like. How she lives with 7 other girls I will never know. But she loves it. So that is all that matters.

Mom was doing better tonight. Still not feeling to great. But better than yesterday. Tomorrow we are having a big work day at her house. My uncles are coming to help and Roy is going to help so we should get a lot done. The guys are gonna work on putting a new fence up around her lagoon and Heather and I are going to mow and plant flowers so it should be productive.

I went to buy flowers tonight. I got the one's for mom's house and they are pretty. Just petunia's and geraniums right now. But they will be nice. I also got some lilly bulbs and elephant ear bulbs for my house. I'm hoping we can get all mom's flowers planted tomorrow so then I can plant my bulbs on Sunday.

I wasn't excited about the flower planting this year at all. I think with everything else going on I just couldn't go there yet. But I started walking through the greenhouse today and just got excited. So I'm ready now. All those beautiful blooms made me feel like life just goes on. No matter how much your heart hurts things just continue... So I might as well plant some flowers and make my yard pretty while I'm struggling...

Over and Out!

Jessie

Flowers

Well it's been a busy couple days. I'm oncall for work this week and had to work late last night and then it was busy at work today. So I'm worn out. I took a little nap when I got off work today for just an hour to get me through the evening.

Mom is doing really well. She actually worked in her flower bed today. When she told me that I started crying. I was afraid she wouldn't be able to do that again and I know how much she loves it. It just made my day! I am so glad she has been able to do some things she enjoys.

I'm heading to bed. Hope you all have a great day tomorrow!

Jessie

Long Post

Okay this is gonna be a long post. I haven't posted in days and I'm getting emails from people. So now I have a lot to fit in one veryyyyy long post. So go to the bathroom, get a snack and hold on tight...

Saturday

Felt sicker than a dog in the morning. My stomach hurt so bad all night and most of the early part of the day. I just couldn't get it to stop hurting. I still haven't figured out what was wrong with me. But it sucked.

Darby's sister Courtney is pregnant and her baby shower was Saturday afternoon so I went to that. It was pretty fun for a baby shower. Usually they are lame but it was a good time. And there was free soda. I like free soda! And nuts and cake. But I didn't like the cake so much. So I had soda and nuts. Yummy! If my stomach didn't hurt before that it sure would have afterwards huh....

After the shower I took black and white pictures of a very pregnant Courtney. They turned out pretty cool if I do say so myself. I will post one of my favorite ones now....



See isn't that a cool picture! I really like it. There were a lot of them that I liked but that has to be one of my favorites. I really should quit the whole social work thing and just take pictures. I would like that more!

Okay after the pictures got done I wanted to leave. I needed to go see my mom. Well you have to have keys to go somewhere! And my keys were no where to be found. We searched all over and couldn't find the damn things. So after an hour I called a friend to bring me some spares. What a pain in the butt!

So I take my spare keys and take myself to my moms. We hang out and that is fun. She is still kinda sickly on Saturday so not to great. But better than Friday. So after I've been their several hours Darby's dad calls me. They found my keys. IN THEIR BED!!! How weird is that. I swear I was not in their bed. I don't know how my keys got there. Very weird!!!

Sunday-

All I did was mow mom's yard. That is a day job. It's freaking huge. But Guillermo came out and helped me for a little bit so that was nice. I got a sun burn on my arms. Yes I used sunscreen but I still got burned. I how it doesn't peel. I hope it turns into a tan. The only payoff for all the mowing is a nice tan. That would be good.

Monday-

WORK! Actually it was a good day. One of the kids that has been on my caseload forever got an APA signed today. That is an adoption placement agreement. That is almost being adopted. We just have to finish up some paperwork and get the court to finalize the adoption and she will be done and off to a new little life. I was pretty pleased we got that done today. Made me happy on the inside.

Hung out this evening with mom. She is doing much better today. That is very good. She scared the crap out of me on Friday so she needed to get better. She can only scare me like that once a month. That is my limit. She has been advised that she can't do anything scary for another 27 days. She better keep her end of the deal.

Peace out!
Jessie

Rough Day

Mom isn't doing to well today. Had to go to the ER as soon as she got back to town. She is home now but I'm worried about her. I will post more about it tomorrow but I'm to tired tonight. Emotionally and Physically exhausted!

Jessie

Bored

I'm so freaking bored. I actually alphabetized my cook books tonight. I hate it when my mom is in Chicago. I have nothing to do! Without homework or her I'm going crazy. Thank God she comes home tomorrow. I'm going to have to go back to school soon. I can't stand not having something to do all the time. I'm used to crazy busy. Now it's just crazy. No busy.

Work has actually been slow. I can't believe I'm typing that. I'm just asking for a ton of new kids by typing that. But it has been. It's very freaky. I just know something will happen and all my cases will go crazy soon because when my job is even boring that's just not right. I missed two days of work this week for the funeral and I wasn't even behind. It only took me about 30 minutes to get caught up. That's just not the way my job is!!! EVER!!!

Better go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be more exciting.

Jessie

Home Now

Heather and I went to Rockville Indiana to be with Venus for her dad's funeral. Rockville is in Parke County Indiana. We didn't know it until we got there but Parke County is the covered bridge capital of the world. There are bunch of covered bridges. So while yes we were there for a sad occasion we did make time to take a little tour of the covered bridges. It's our dad's fault. He always made us do educational things everywhere we went. One of our favorite quotes from him is, "How many people in the world have the opportunity to see the Monet's?" We had already seen them once in Boston but he made us go again in Vegas. So we figured if he was there he would make us go see the covered bridges. We could just hear him say, "How many people in the world have the chance to visit the covered bridge capital." So we went and it was cool and we have pictures to show for it. He would be oh so proud!

The funeral was very sad. I felt so bad for Venus. She is just devastated. But she will be okay. That's the odd thing about life. Even when your heart is broken it still beats. Human beings are absolutely amazing! No matter what we just keep pushing through. I have no doubt that she will end up coming through this okay. It will be tough but she will be okay.

The trip to Indiana was a bit of a nightmare. The weather was horrible. There were tornados all around us. They kept coming on the radio and saying all these counties were in tornando warnings. But since we didn't know what county we were in it didn't help us much. We passed a silo that was laying right along the side of the road and their were billboards down all over. There were four semi's laid down in the west bound lane. It was pretty much a mess! Ignorance is bliss. It finally got dark and we decided that if a tornado came at us at least we wouldn't be able to see it before it killed us so at least we wouldn't be scared. Monday morning we watched the news and I guess there were like 60 tornados spotted all along the route we took and 25 people were killed. We were dang lucky!!! God sure takes care of us.

Mapquest gave us some really jacked up directions so we ended up going 1 1/2 hours out of the way. We were out in the middle of nowhere. And in all honesty we were scared to stop. I was afraid we might get raped and pillaged by farmers with pitchforks! So luckily half of Rockville communicated with us by cell phone and got us to the hotel in a very screwed up but successful way. What did people do before cell phones????

Rockville was an interesting little place. Heather and I ate dinner at a little cafe that had FABULOUS onion rings. We also got dinner and a show there since they had kareoke! Crazy I know. Only the two of us. I swear no one but Heather and I were under the age of 65 and they were all singing old country songs about sex. We were cracking up. Very odd.

The trip home today was a piece of cake compared to the trip there. The weather was great. Traffic was not to bad and the only problem was that the sun was burning into my eyeballs as I was driving through KC. Yippeeee nothing like driving when you can't see.

Glad we are home safe and sound. I'm hoping Venus will be able to get some rest tonight. I know she isn't feeling to great. She has got to be just emotionally exhausted. Cricket goes back to New Orleans tomorrow so hopefully she will be able to get back to her routine. Heather is back to school. I go back to work tomorrow.

Jess

Packing

Heather and I head for Indiana tomorrow for the funeral. Mom and Betty head to Chicago tomorrow for more chemo. Boy we are fun travelers. We used to go places for vacation. Now we just travel for bad news stuff. Oh how our lives have changed...

It was a beautiful day today. Windy but very nice. It actually got up to 75. I was digging that! Tomorrow I'm wearing my capri's and flip and flops. I figure if I'm riding in a car all day I'm gonna be comfy!

I really don't want mom to go to Chicago this time. For some reason I'm just really not wanting her to go. I think it's because she has been doing so good the past couple of days and I just don't want her to get sick again. It's very selfish really. But it's just the way it is.

I won't post while we are gone. So if you don't see a post till Wed. that is why. So don't start emailing all worried.... I'm just away from the computer!

Jessie