Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Hard Day

I'm just struggling through the day today. It's been a rough one. I keep telling myself that it's normal to have a rough day yet I fight it so much. I just want it to all be okay.... It's not going to be okay for a long time. I know that in my head... I just want it all to be different, better, calmer...

I always have a rough time when my mom goes for chemo but this time is harder. They found cancer on her liver which means it's spread. And they changed her chemo to something more aggressive. Which is good because it may help but bad because more aggressive means she will be sicker. I don't want that.

I just want her to come home. It's so selfish really. I just want her with me, in her house, safe. I don't want doctor's to touch her anymore. They don't know really what they are doing. They just guess and practice on her and she is to little and real to be practiced on. I just want to love her well. I want her to come home and I want us to just love her. She is ours not theirs. And I know doctor's are good people but they hurt her. The poking and drugs and tests and sickness isn't fair to her. She is to good for that. And she deserves more, she deserves her life back.

I miss her when she is gone. And every time she goes I feel like it is a test. Can I make it without her physically with me. And each time I feel sick. Like it's some cruel mean game that God is playing with me. Take her away and give her back and see how close to crazy I get without her. I don't want to be without her, not now not ever! I need her like I need air... She's my very best friend and I can't be without her.

The benefit garage sale is for her this weekend. It's at the church and it's so nice of them to do it for us. People have been so kind to us. But I don't want it. I don't want to need help. I don't want people to bring us anymore food or anymore money or anymore help. They do that because she is sick and every time it's a reminder that things aren't right. And as grateful as I am I would give it all back and then some if she could just be okay. I don't want us to be the family people help because it's tragic. I don't like how people whisper pancreatic cancer and look at us and pity us... I just want to be us again with no explanation or needs.

I want our lives back.... I pray like crazy that God will give us a miracle. I pray that God will give us strength. I pray that God will not let me hate him for this. And that is hard. It's hard to believe that a God that is kind would let this happen to her. Would actually let people go through things like this. I know God doesn't cause cancer but God has the power to cure it. So why wouldn't he. Why would he let someone that believes in him so much suffer. Why when there are so many rotten people in the world would he let my mom who loves us so much hurt like this! Damn that pisses me off!!!

See I told ya it was a crappy day.....


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