Not My Day

Nothing has gone quite right today. This morning I walked into my living room to find Miss Lena chewing on this little wooden apple that had been painted red. So Lena was red, and my brand new white area rug was red. And all I could see was red. I was pretty ticked to say the least. Luckily an hour worth of work with Spot Shot worked and I got the red out of my rug. However, Miss Lena has yet to come clean. This is what she looks like...




Then to top it off when I took her out tonight she started barking at a cat. She chased it over by my bedroom window.. Not a big deal... Except it wasn't a cat. It was a skunk!!! It sprayed her and since my window was open my house... So now she has had two regular baths and a tomato juice bath and she is still red and is still stinky! Really it's not a good day here!

Jess

Pain

Oh my body hurts so bad! All the painting and packing and unpacking and hauling of things is taking it's toll. Starting to workout again this week on top of it doesn't help the pain either. I'm ready to go back to work so I can take a break. I've done more manual labor in the last three months than I have my entire life combined! Crazy!!!

The computer room is painted and decorations are hung. I still need to get the cabinet doors back on and haul a ton of stuff to the shop. Shocking! The shop is HUGE and it is FULL. Like way to full. We have too much stuff. I see one huge garage sale in the near future.

I had to use Kilz to cover the panel in the computer room and the fumes were way bad. So to save poor Lena and myself we went out for awhile this morning. We went to the dog park for an hour. Lena ran around like a crazy girl and I read. I feel so sorry for her because at the new house the yard isn't fenced in so she doesn't get off the leash unless we are at the park. And that only happens a couple times a week. I'm hoping that when my old house sales I will make enough that I can afford to fence in the yard here for her. She really needs the running and playing time each day. Lets all say a prayer for Lena that the house will sell soon!

That's what I know. I'm gonna crash hard tonight!

Jessie

Good Day

I had a really good day today. Feels weird to say that... I guess it's been awhile. I went to see Heather today. We had lunch and then I wandered around while she went to volleyball practice. We met up afterwards and just hung out and talked. Nothing really big but it was a nice afternoon. She cracks me up!

She is also one of the few people I feel really safe with right now. It's odd but I think because I'm a bit emotionally fragile I have a hard time calming down and feeling really safe with people. My emotions change so quickly and there aren't many people that I trust can handle that. Really it's pretty much Heather, Darby, Steve, Cricket, and my Aunts. My Dad tries really hard to be there for us and support us but I think I have a hard time being real about it with him because when we hurt it gets to him so much. So I kinda fake it with him... I know I shouldn't do it but I do. I just don't want to hurt him.

Okay that was a long way to say that I had a great day with Heather and that when I lose it she doesn't care. So that's the deal.

I know I swore off painting but as I sit in this computer room and type it is driving me crazy! The walls are paneled and there are no windows and it is making me claustrophobic. So tomorrow this room is getting painted.. Fun times!

Jessie

Busy Gal

I've gotten so much accomplished today! I went to bed at 9:00 last night and woke up at 7:00 this morning! Talk about well rested. I think it must have been just what I needed because I feel really good today. Bye Bye Cold!

I worked out and then went over to my old house. I packed up a bunch of stuff to bring over here, threw away a lot of junk and made another big bunch of stuff to garage sale. Then I brought the stuff that I was moving over here and unpacked every bit of it! Then I painted a shelf a different color so it will match the new room. And all that was before noon!!!! I rock!

Lena and I played for a little bit this afternoon before I got back on it. I went to pick up my new glasses. I love them! Then I washed my car and headed back to the old house. I packed up some books and brought them back over here. And now I'm done for the day! I'm reading and hanging with Lena the rest of the evening.

Oh Lena's most recent trick... We have a cedar chest in front of the picture window. It has a lamp on it. One of those lamps that you touch and it turns on. It also has a blanket thing over the top of chest and that's what the lamp sits on. Well I had noticed for a couple of days that the lamp would be on and I didn't remember turning it on and that the blanket was a bit messed up. I thought maybe Lena was tugging on the blanket... But today I walked in the room after my shower and the lamp was on and Miss Lena was sitting on the chest looking out the window. So I guess when she jumps up there she turns the lamp on. I'm not sure that I like this trick as it means that I have to fix the blanket more often. But she sure is cute and she really loves to watch people go by so I guess I won't fight it.... Sneaky little Lena!

Jessie

Trying Again

Okay I'm gonna try this again... For the past two days I've been about half way through my post and my computer freezes up! It's only when I try to post on this blog... I don't get it! So we will try again.

I'm feeling a bit better but this pesky cold is just holding on. I think it has issues with letting go. I'm gonna call the doc tomorrow and see about getting another round of antibiotics. I go back to work on October 2nd and I'd really like to be feeling better by then. I would hate to go back to work sick after such a long period of time off work.

This morning I decided that I would weigh. I haven't weighed in weeks. In fact I haven't ate healthy or worked out in weeks. Not good! So this morning I knew I was going grocery shopping after church so I would be eating healthy this week so I better weigh and figure out how far off track I had gotten. Shockingly I have stayed the same! I don't know how!!! But I'll take it. I have noticed the past couple days that my pants have been a little snug. I'm sure that's from not working out. So after church I went on a walk with Lena. Tomorrow I'll get back to the hard core workout. But a walk was a good start. It's a beautiful day. Hopefully the ticker will move a bit next Sunday!

I got the garage cleaned out so I can actually park my car in it! What a concept!! It's pretty nice. The only problem is that the garage door opener is ancient and doesn't work all the time. It's got some issues. But at least I can park inside. Pretty cool.

Okay I'm not gonna push it and try to write much more... I'm afraid the computer will lock up again.

Jessie

Missing

My cell phone is missing. I have no clue where it is. I think it was abducted by a cell phone monster! I have called it and called it and can't find it in the house, the yard, the car, the garage. It's driving me nuts. And now I'm guessing that I've probably called it so much that the battery is dead and it won't ring. Damn phones!

My sickness just seems to be hanging on too. My throat still hurts, I'm still tired, and my earball is killing me. Yes I know earball isn't a word but I like it. I make up words because I can. My earball hurts! And I don't like it at all...

So I'm taking Lena to bed and I'm hoping I can sleep away the pain and maybe I will have a dream about where in the heck my phone is!

Jessie

TV

Well I got the DVR thing for my TV. It's like Tivo but it's through my cable company. It's pretty freaking cool! So now I can record all my favorite shows and not have to worry about tapes, etc. It's way nice!

So lately I've been watching a lot of Rosie on The View! I love her!!!! I just think she is hilarious and talented and real. I love her for being so vocal about the things that are important to her. And I adore the fact that she is such a great Mom! She just loves her kids and that is awesome to see!!! She is doing great on The View but I wish it was just The View with Rosie. We could leave out Joy and Barbara and for sure that wacky Elizabeth!

I've also been watching Nancy Grace at night. Again I enjoy her too! I know a lot of people can't stand her but I respect her for doing what she does. She was engaged to be married and her fiance was murdered many years ago. That motivated her to become a lawyer. She is such an advocate for victims rights and I think there need to be more people like her. Giving victims a voice is a big deal!

Tonight Darby and I watched Dancing with the Stars. Jerry Springer cracks me up. I don't think he did half bad. My favorite for the night was Sara Evans. She is pretty cute and really improved in the last week.

Also watched the first episode of Law and Order SVU. Good as usual. That show never lets me down. I suppose that is why it's one of my favorites! Elliot looked amazing as usual and Olivia is just always beautiful.

Watched Studio 60 last night. I have a feeling I'm going to like that show. I am guessing it will stay on for awhile. Matthew Perry did a great job! I really missed him since the end of Friends. He is a great comedic actor.

That's what I know. Are any of you watching any new shows that I need to check out?

Jessie

Got The Job

I got the job!!! I interviewed last Friday for a different position with the same company. It's more pay and really a better position. I will be the Aftercare Specialist. Basically that means that instead of working with kids that are removed from their parent's home now I work with them after they go home. I will provide services for a year after they return home to help keep them home. I will also get to do some adoption work which I really enjoy! So I think it's a really good thing.

Jessie

Busy

I went from a very quiet lonely house to grand central station for the weekend. Heather arrived with two of her friends Saturday afternoon. Then today Charlie, Adair, and Betty came to visit and help with some paperwork stuff! It was nice to have a full house again. I missed everyone! Stinna and Bel stopped by after they all left and then Darby came to hang out for the evening. So I can't say I was lonely today.

tomorrow I'm planning on finishing up the painting. I'm gonna tackle the living room! It's the biggest room in the house but it is the easiest one to paint. So hopefully it won't take to long. :-) Then paint season will end again. After that if I never see a paint roller again it will be to soon!

I'm gonna go play with Miss Lena

Jess

Elephants

Well obviously yesterday was a very bad day. Well really last night was difficult not really the whole day. But I cried myself to sleep and prayed like crazy. I prayed that God would send my mom to me somehow. That he would let me dream of her. Something... Well I woke up this morning and my first thought was no dream and I instantly started crying again. Shitty way to start the day.

I didn't want to do it but I promised Darby I'd go shopping with her today. So even though I was pretty down I did it. We went to Target and it was swamped. Craziness everywhere! Kids screaming, carts colliding, just people everywhere. So I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed and told Darby I was going to a different section that wasn't so crowded. So I wandered down this aisle.

As soon as I turned down the aisle it was oddly silent. I felt cold suddenly and a complete sense of calm. It was the strangest most comforting feeling I've ever had. And it felt just like my mom was standing beside me. So I turned around in the aisle and felt pulled to this bedding. It was baby bedding and it was a beautiful green, white and brown. It had elephants on it. My mom collected elephants!!!

I never in a million years would have thought about decorating a nursery in elephants. Heck I'm not even pregnant or planning on a baby anytime soon. But I felt like she was telling me to buy it. It felt like we were having a conversation without words. I actually said out loud "I'm supposed to buy it huh?" The answer was for sure yes.

So I went and got Darby and told her about the feeling and the moment and showed her the bedding. She agreed that we couldn't leave without it. That it was the sign I had prayed for. My mom came in elephant baby bedding and I bought the whole set and brought her home! Bedding, curtains, blankets, and toys. The whole set!

Before my mom died I told her how sad I was that she wouldn't see my babies. That she wouldn't be here to help me plan and she wouldn't be here to guide me. She told me that she would see them first and send a pretty one my way! So I guess she decided today that I better have bedding for when she sends the pretty one.

I know it sounds crazy and if anyone else would have told me such a story I would have laughed at them. But I'm not crazy. My mom was with me and she came and helped me. I'm not alone. I have a feeling that anytime I'm really missing her the signs will come. I'll keep waiting. It's worth it!

Jessie

Here is a pic of the bedding

Missing Her

I'm really missing my mom tonight. I just really want to sit on the couch and visit with her or lay in her bed and hold her hands or hug her or just see her for a minute. Tomorrow will be two weeks and that is a really long time for me to go without seeing her. I have never gone more than seven days and now we are double that. I just really want her back....

I did the math earlier today and if I live 60 more years I will be 86. If I live 40 more years I would be 66. And that is overwhelming. I could possibly live 60-70 years without seeing my mom. I think about that and all the things that happen in that many years and I just want to scream. I don't see why God had to take her. Everyone says she is in a better place but why can't she be here. It was pretty good with Heather and I.

What will I remember about her in 60 years... Anything? I can't imagine forgetting things about her but I will. You can't remember every detail after 60 years... I tried my hardest to memorize her the last few months. The ways she moved, the way she smelled the way she felt... But I can't remember all that. What if even my memories disappear. Then where will I be?

There are so many things I want to tell her. I want to tell her about my job interview today and about the flowers I planted. I want to hear her say she loves me. I want to tell her the funny joke I heard yesterday and have her try the new cereal I got at the grocery store. I just want her.....

Jessie

Squirrel

Well this morning I went and met Steve. Steve is the mystery "S" man from a previous post. He is the one that had the infamous "Not at this time" quote! I still see him often and we still flirt like crazy but I guess it is still "Not the right time". But anyways....

I met him and he went with me to the cemetery to visit mom's grave. I didn't want to go by myself the first time because I wasn't sure how I would react. It ended up being fine. It's actually a very beautiful drive out there. It's way out in the country and the trees are changing and it was gorgeous. There are also a ton of sunflowers along the way which I love because my mom loves sunflowers! So it was a good drive with good company and ended up being a good visit. I cleaned the old flowers off and put out some new things. Gotta keep it looking cute and clean and hip! Mom would be so proud!!!

After that we went back to his place and hung out for several hours. I always enjoy time with him. It seems like I kinda lose track of time with him. We start talking and joking around and before I know it five hours have past. We just click well... But again I'm off track here.

Steve has a ton of cats! He lives in the country and his outside cats are rather promiscuous. In fact they need an intervention of some sort really. It's insane how many kittens they have and how often! But anyways there was a new litter of kittens and I was excited to see them. I love new kittens. More so than old kittens...

So we get there and I get out and he tells me where the new kittens are and I go over to see them. And I'm going on and on about how cute the kittens are and how the markings on one are really cool. And then I notice something rather odd. I see that one is a dark brown and just not moving and then I move and look from another angle and realize that it is a dead SQUIRREL!!! Steve was horrified. I think he wanted to crawl under a rock and just die. He kept apologizing like he has some control over his promiscuous and now violent wild cats! I was just thrilled that the squirrel was dead and not just injured and angry! I would have peed my pants if it was still alive and ticked and came at me...

So that is the story of the day.

Jessie

Pinecones

It was a good day today. Very busy but very good. I got Bel and Jorgen at 7:30 today and kept them till 5:30. They keep a girl on her toes! Two is way harder than one. Jorgen is little but he is hard to juggle when Miss Bel wants all your attention. I don't know how parent's do it all the time! I didn't even get my makeup on until 4:45... Crazy!

Bel kept asking me for a job. So I put her to work. She helped me unpack DVD's and put them away and helped fold towels. Then she said she wanted an outside job that paid money! Since she isn't big enough to mow... well at least not in the US... I had to get creative. So I told her that for each pinecone she picked up out of the yard I would pay her a penny. I thought it would keep her busy for quite awhile. Well about 8 minutes later that kid brought me 264 pinecones! And then she explained that she didn't want all pennies... So I forked over the money and she was quite a happy camper... That kid cracks me up!

Went to Heather's Volleyball game tonight. They charged me $6.00 to get in the door and then she didn't even get to play. Frustrating!!! I know she hates just standing there but she sure looked cute. We went to dinner afterwards and that was cool. I had started to really miss her and I don't think she is coming home this weekend so I'm glad I went tonight.

Lena is wanting some attention so I better get...

Jessie

Bad Day

Nothing has gone quite right today. I woke up this morning to fire in my throat! I seriously thought my tonsils may be cooking in there. So I called and got an appointment with the doctor. They couldn't see me till 2:15 so rather than rest like I should have I decided to paint the spare bedroom.

I had gotten this beautiful color of paint and got right to it. Even though my throat and ears were killing me I pushed through and painted like a crazy women. It looked all good and I went to shower. I came back to check it right before I left to go to the doctor and it had dried. IT WAS HORRIBLE!!! Seriously it dried almost black. It was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. It was totally not right! It made the room look like a little cave!

So I went to my doctor's appointment and then back to the paint store. Thank God paint is cheap! I have strep throat and tonsillitis! Don't ask me how that happens... I just know that it sucks! I have a wonderful Z-Pak and some pretty new paint. I came home from my appointment and fell asleep. I slept until 9 and then got up and painted... The room is now done and it is pretty. Not dark like before. So I'm happy now.

I still feel pretty yucky but not nearly as bad. Hopefully by this time tomorrow I'll be back to myself. I'm babysitting Bel and Jorgen tomorrow so I'm not gonna do much with the house. So at least I got the spare room done... Wouldn't want to waste any time... Now I'm going back to bed!

Jessie

Busy Girl

Wow today was a busy day! I got quite a bit done. What's scary is it doesn't look like it at all. I have so much stuff just all over.... I moved my entertainment center, TV, etc. over today. I brought all my DVD's some decorations. Now I have to find a place for it all. That's the hard part!

So hopefully I will get that done before I go to bed. In the morning I'm starting on the spare bedroom.... Fun times...

Jessie

Done

Well I got the master bedroom all done today. It is painted a pretty sage color. The new bedding is on and I'm liking it a lot! I have no doubt that I will sleep well tonight!!!

Last night wasn't bad really. I think I was so worn out from the relay that I just slept through any creepy noises or whatever. Lena must have been tired to because she didn't make a peep!

Since I painted most of the day I'm beat again. Nothing like just exhausting yourself to keep from dealing with your emotions!

Jessie

Alone

Well this is the first day that I have been alone in over 7 months. Not the best day to say the least. My Dad and Cricket headed out early this morning. My aunts headed out around noon, Shawn and Amanda about 1:30 and Heather around 4:30. So I've spent the evening getting settled into my new place... It's hard to think of it as my home since it is actually my mom's. But some paint, some moving in of my things, and some time will make it mine I'm sure.

I was pretty upset when Heather left but we had a rough afternoon so I think that is why. We went through my mom's clothes to make room for mine since I'm moving them over here tomorrow. That was really hard! We miss her so much. But we saved a ton of them and the rest we boxed up. We aren't getting rid of anything yet. Just boxing it so we can make room for my things...

While this afternoon was rough tonight has been okay. Lena and I are trying to get accustomed to everything. She doesn't know what to think of such a big house! She seems impressed with all the tile floors. More to slip and slide on which she loves.

The relay last night was a success. Again that was hard! Most things are hard right now but I think that is normal. I just had a hard time as I watched the survivors lap. My aunt Betty walked as a cancer survivor so that was cool! But it was hard to watch the others. I just wonder why my mom couldn't have survived. Why did she have to die??? But I made it through the night despite the conflicting emotions, rain, cold, and little sleep. So I guess that is success!!! The total raised was close to $72,000 which is so freaking cool! That's pretty impressive for a small town I think.

Okay I'm heading to bed...

Jess

Relay

Tonight is the Relay for Life for the American Cancer Society. I took a little nap this afternoon so hopefully I will be well rested as I'm sure I won't sleep much overnight. I'm hoping it will be a fun event.

Things are a bit foggy for me lately. I just kind of feel like I'm living in a haze. Nothing really gets me very excited or very upset. Im just pretty numb and feel like I'm about 15 seconds behind all the time. People keep telling me that is normal so I'm just going with it.

I'm simply embracing what comes at this point. If I'm hungry I eat, if I'm tired I sleep. When the tears come I just cry and then move on. I'm trying not to fight the various emotions that seem to be surrounding me.

Well I better go visit with my aunts before I head to the relay!

Happy Walking!
Jessie

Finished

Well my mom's funeral and burial was yesterday. So today was the first day in a long time that I haven't seen her or had the focus of the day be on her. It's been a little rough but not as bad as I thought. I'm just so worn out so it's hard to get to worked up about much of anything.

I still have a lot of family here. Heather, my Dad and Cricket, Shawn and Amanda, and my aunts. I think people are going to start heading home Saturday. So I am guessing Sunday is when things will really get rough... Who knows though!

I have realtors coming to look at my house tomorrow so I can get it put on the market to sell. I'm moving to my mom's place. It seems like the best plan. So repainting, packing, unpacking, sorting, etc will keep me busy for awhile... I suppose that is a good thing.

Thanks so much for all the kind messages and thoughts. I appreciate that more than you will probably ever know. This whole thing is harder than I ever thought it would be. However, it's nice to know I'm not alone and that people care.

Thanks again!
Jessie

Hand in Hand

I know I said I wasn't going to post today but I just feel very moved to do so. First I wanted to show you all this beautiful picture that we had done just the other day. It's my sister and I holding my mom's hand. We have said all along that the only things that have stayed the same about our mom are her heart and her hands so this is very meaningful to us.



Also I must say thank you to Julie from Flip this Body and Bobby from The Bestest Blog. They have both posted beautiful sentiments about my mom and I on their blogs. So I encourage you to visit each of their blogs! They are two of the nicest bloggers I've ever met!!! Not only have they mentioned us but they have set up a way for other bloggers or anyone in general to make donations to the American Cancer Society in my mom's name, Dee Myers. This means so much to my sister and I!

This Friday I will be walking in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life to raise money for a cure. I believe very deeply in ACS and the work they do! In fact the ACS provided my mom with a beautiful wig for free!! So please if you do feel moved to do something visit Bestest Blog to contribute! Again thank you Julie and Bobby!

I am hanging in there fairly well. This whole process has been very traumatic for me. So today is actually a bit of a celebration of some ways. When I woke up this morning I realized that today is my mom's first full day in heaven and that this is her first full day pain free, worry free, and medication free in a long time. That is a blessing to me. I will miss her each day for the rest of my life I have no doubt about that but she fought the hard fight and has found her way home.

Jessie

Home

My mom went home today. There is a new beautiful angel in heaven. I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, sad, mad, scared, and just plain tired. I'm not posting much more...

Thanks for all the kind thoughts!
Jessie

Worse

Mom is doing worse today. Doesn't look like she has much longer left. I'm just home to grab a quick shower and head back over to her place. My other blog Who Are We got bestest blog of the day today. So head over there and check it out!

Jessie

Downhill

My mom has really gone downhill. She wasn't able to get out of bed today and she couldn't really talk to us much. She just didn't seem to have the energy. She didn't eat or drink anything and hasn't taken hardly any medication. Hospice doesn't feel like she has very long left.

Heather came home today and Aunt Donna is still here. We have a ton of family coming in tommorow. It will be a packed house. My Dad and Cricket will be here in the morning. That will be nice. I'm ready to see them.

Gotta go to bed now!
Jess