Friday, September 15, 2006

Missing Her

I'm really missing my mom tonight. I just really want to sit on the couch and visit with her or lay in her bed and hold her hands or hug her or just see her for a minute. Tomorrow will be two weeks and that is a really long time for me to go without seeing her. I have never gone more than seven days and now we are double that. I just really want her back....

I did the math earlier today and if I live 60 more years I will be 86. If I live 40 more years I would be 66. And that is overwhelming. I could possibly live 60-70 years without seeing my mom. I think about that and all the things that happen in that many years and I just want to scream. I don't see why God had to take her. Everyone says she is in a better place but why can't she be here. It was pretty good with Heather and I.

What will I remember about her in 60 years... Anything? I can't imagine forgetting things about her but I will. You can't remember every detail after 60 years... I tried my hardest to memorize her the last few months. The ways she moved, the way she smelled the way she felt... But I can't remember all that. What if even my memories disappear. Then where will I be?

There are so many things I want to tell her. I want to tell her about my job interview today and about the flowers I planted. I want to hear her say she loves me. I want to tell her the funny joke I heard yesterday and have her try the new cereal I got at the grocery store. I just want her.....

Jessie

2 comments:

Jos said...

Hi Jesse,

I just came across your blog and this post today. I am literally crying. I am so sorry for your loss. . .

Phelan said...

oh doll, I am sorry. I know it's hard. lota of love to you.