Wednesday, June 07, 2006

I'm hanging on the edge. I don't know if I can take much more. The past two weeks have been so horrible for me. Watching my mom hurt is just too hard. It's unreal. It would be one thing if it was just the cancer. Cancer is a thing. It can't be blamed really. It can't be controlled.

But when other people hurt her it makes me insane. Watching her cry because her feelings are hurt and she is scared and angry and tired is too much. Knowing that someone is just trying to inflict pain on her and make this all more difficult is to much. It makes me crazy inside.

Cancer is enough but this whole separation thing and division of property crap is unreal. Why Monte won't let it go is beyond me. Why can't he just let her have some peace. He didn't want us. He sat there in the living room in December and said HE wanted a divorce. He made the decision that he didn't want us. Didn't want to be a part of OUR family. So why does he act like he is trying to be this great person when in reality he is only hurting us all more???

Why if he doesn't want to be with us does he call and stop by and talk about the stupidest crap in the world... Who cares about his friends, his kittens, the weather. We are dealing with real life and real issues and we don't give a damn. Don't rub it in our faces that you have moved on to some lovely little stress free life while we try to muddle through the shit he causes... How can he say he ever loved us and gave a damn about us when he can do the crap he is doing???

I've become this bitter nasty person when it comes to the idea of marriage now. Why would I ever allow myself to get in a situation where someone could turn on me at my worst moment and attack me? Screw that. That's what sperm donors and adoption are there for. So I can still have kids and not put up with that risk. There is no way I will ever allow myself to be dependent on a man for ANYTHING!!! I may marry someone someday but I'm certain that I'm working the whole time and I'm not letting him touch my money. I will never depend on someone else for insurance or support of any kind. The moment you trust someone enough and allow them to take care of you for even a moment then they have the power to ruin you. No one is going to do that to me. My mom trusted him and he has turned that trust around and attacked her. It will not happen to me.

Well I'm obviously in a very pretty little place. I'm just all cotton candy and pretty flowers tonight huh... What a downer. I shouldn't have written all that and I shouldn't post it but I'm going too. I'm tired of trying to sugar coat it and be nice. I'm tired of being politically correct and trying to be tough. My whole world is crumbling around me and no one can do a thing to help me. I might as well just call it as it is. CRAP!!!


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