Rematched

I got a call from my social worker today and I am rematched with another expectant mom. I met with her and her family on Saturday and the meeting went well. So she would like to move forward with an adoption plan with me. While I would usually be very excited about this after two other failed matches it's not nearly as exciting. In fact it's almost terrifying and a little depressing. All I can think is that this is what happens before she changes her mind... Horrible isn't it.

But I'm going to try really hard to be optimistic. I'm going to make myself believe that the third time may really be a charm. I'm going to try to believe that maybe I am meant to have a baby girl and that's why the others haven't worked out. This baby is a little girl so maybe it will work. I'm going to try very hard to pray and have faith that God has a plan and no matter how this ends up it's all part of his plan. And I'm going to cross my fingers and my toes and hope like crazy this is the last time I have to go through the horrible waiting process....

Miss S is due on March 11th. Not to far away. So hopefully the time will go quickly and I will know the end result soon enough.

Here's to hoping and praying...

Jessie

Jancy

Today I had my Family Therapy class. It's actually a pretty interesting class. The best part is that we have two papers and two tests and that's it for assignments. No group projects, no role playing, no stupid filler assignments. Thank God for that. I hate busy work! The bad part is that the instructor never remembers my name.

Today he did attendance and said my name right. Right after that he called me up to give me a copy of the syllabus and then as I was walking off he called me Jancy. I corrected him and said no it's Jessie. 15 minutes into class he looked at me and said, "Jancy what are your thoughts." I corrected him and said it was either Jessie or Jessica. This went on another 5 times before class was over! It's only at 3 hour class!

The real kicker is that Jancy sits two rows in front of me. Jancy is actually a really hot black guy that is about 6'2, 250 pounds, with beautiful dreads. He is a beautiful beautiful man that I would love to date! We kinda flirt back and forth but haven't really talked a whole lot. He is loving it that I get called his name. He thinks that I'm going to get him a great grade in the class! I'm just shocked that the instuctor can't tell Jancy and I apart... I don't get it...

Jessie AKA Jancy

Wordless Wednesday

Ten On Tuesday

10 Things I’d Buy If I Had a Million Dollars (and I had to spend it on myself)

1. Pay off my student loans.

2. Pay off my house.

3. Pay off my vehicle.

4. Go on a trip to Europe.

5. Go on a trip to Ireland.

6. Buy land in the country.

7. Finance 4 adoptions so I could have my houseful of kids.

8. Buy a new computer.

9. Buy a chocolate diamond ring and matching necklace.

10. Get a yard boy!!!

What would you buy with a million dollars?

More Lost

I've been watching the Lost DVD's like a mad woman. I'm trying to get through the first three seasons before Thursday when Season 4 starts. I don't know that I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna finish Season 2 up tonight but I'm thinking getting season three done before then would be pushing it. So I may have to record it and watch the premire later.

I just really love the show though. I thought Season 1 was amazing but now Season 2 is even better. Each show gets a little more intense and a little more enthralling. I don't know how people come up with this stuff. Whoever writes Lost should get mad props and a raise!

Jessie

Manic Monday

If you could have a servant come to your house every day for one hour, what would you have them do?

Clean, Clean, Clean, and in their free time pay the bills!

Has your life ever been changed by an apparently random occurrence?

I don't think any occurrence is random. I think everything happens for a reason.

You're having dinner with several friends and acquaintances. They all criticize a close friend of yours (not knowing he/she is a friend). The criticism is unjustified. What would you do?

I would explain that he/she is my friend and explain why their criticism is wrong in my opinion. Then I would ask them not to discuss him/her in my presence unless it is in a positive light.

Happy Birthday Amanda

Today is my sister-in-law Amanda's birthday! We had a birthday lunch for her. Good old spaghetti. After we recovered from eating to much at lunch she opened her presents and then we had chocolate cake. I always make everyone's favorite cake for their birthday and she requested chocolate. It was really good. It's been a long time since I've had chocolate cake. I'm glad that was her pick. After lunch we all hung out and some of us enjoyed ourselves. For some reason Mattie was in a horrible mood today. I've never seen her be so unhappy. I kept trying to explain that it was her mommy's birthday and she should be nice but she would hear none of that. So while she was busy being crabby the rest of us enjoyed ourselves. All in all it was a good day. I love birthdays!!!! Hope you had a great one Amanda.

Jessie

Mattie Adventures

There are new Mattie Adventures going on all the time. The latest adventures were captured over the last few days. Mattie stayed the night at my house last night to keep me company and lift my spirits. It's incredibly difficult to be sad when you see this little face and all her antics. So enjoy the amazing adventures of Miss Mattie!




Who needs toys when you can have kitchen utensils????



I like lemons....



I don't like lemons...



My smile will distract them...



And then I will sneak away....


And have a drink or two...



And maybe I should take one for the road...

Regrouping

I think I've gotten regrouped after the newest disaster. I only worked half days at work yesterday and today. That way I would have a little time to myself to rest up, get caught up, and get back to normal. It's been nice to sleep in and do some of the things that make me feel good. I think I'll be able to head back to the office on Monday feeling ready and focused.

This weekend I have to go work an independent living retreat for the older foster kids we serve. It's just Saturday that I have to work so it won't be bad. The kids are usually pretty fun and honestly they pretty much run the meetings and events. I just need to be around to supervise and make sure they don't do anything crazy. They are really a good bunch of kids so that means I don't really have to do much.

Heather is coming home again tomorrow. I'm gonna get spoiled on seeing her every few days now. She wants to make sure I'm okay. Also we have our sister-in-law Amanda's birthday party on Sunday. So she has to come home for cake and ice cream and gifts.

I'm also going to meet with another expectant mother tomorrow evening. I know it's really soon after the last failed match. Only a few days. But I've got to keep pushing forward. So I'm going to the meeting and we will see what happens. What's that saying, God doesn't close a door without opening a window. Maybe this is my window. I wouldn't want to risk not checking out the view.

Jessie

Home Alone Again

I hate making these posts but I get to do it once again. Since I hate these posts so much I'm going to crosspost the same thing to both blogs. It saves me the little bit of sanity I have left.

At 12:30 A.M on Tuesday I got the call that Miss T was in labor. I made the frantic middle of night disoriented drive to the hospital. I made it in time to witness the birth of an amazing little boy and cut the cord at 4:30 A.M. To say it was a miracle is an understatement. Miss T and her family and the hospital staff were wonderful to me. I had a security band so I could be with the baby and take him to and from the nursery, I was able to have a private room and kept him with me the first 24 hours of his life. Heather and Darby were with us and were able to hold and love on him too. He was precious.

This morning when the time came to sign relinquishments mom choose to parent rather than move forward with the adoption. So yet again I packed up our things, kissed a sweet boy goodbye, and had to call the people I loved and tell them one more time never mind. I've heard all the platitudes, said all the prayers and cried more tears then I ever dreamed. But I'm home now and I'm without a baby but I'm really not alone.

Heather came home with me for awhile. She headed back home to go to school late this afternoon, Darby took a shift with me and Shawn, Amanda and Mattie did the dinner and evening shift. I'm gonna head to bed shortly and I'm looking forward to some rest in my own bed.

I won't lie I want to lay down on the nursery room floor and bawl. I want to throw things and scream and fight and give up. But I won't. I think back to my mom and how she fought for us. She adopted me after many miscarriages and she had a very tough pregnancy with Heather when doctors told her she would never carry a baby to term. And then she fought our whole lives to give us what we needed and be the mom God wanted her to be. And then when she found out she had pancreatic cancer and was going to die she fought till the end to stay with us. She didn't want to leave her children. It was her job to be with us so she fought and fought and fought.

She fought for her children because that is what mothers do. And I know that I will be a mother and I will fight until I have those children and I will fight till the day I die to be their mother. So instead of laying down and giving up I'm going to go back in that nursery and I'm going to pray to God that he will give me the strength to fight and wait and become the mother I'm meant to be.

Jessie

Planning

Today Darby and I went to Kansas City to meet with my adoption attorney. He is a very nice guy and very competent and calming. We went over the process and fees and all that fun stuff. I'm glad that piece is out of the way and we can just focus on getting ready for this little guy to debut. It looks like it could be happening pretty quickly. While I'm trying not to get too excited I'm also trying to be realistic. If this all works out and the little guy comes home with me I want to make sure everything is ready for him. So I've been working on things like a mad woman to prepare. I'm crossing my fingers and praying like crazy that this will work out like I'm dreaming it will.

Jess

Wordless Wednesday

Lost

I've been living under a huge rock and missing out on one of the best shows ever! LOST IS AMAZING!!! Since I've been sick and burnt through all my movies my sister-in-law Amanda brought me Season One of Lost. Oh Lordy! I think I may have to stay home sick the rest of the week to watch all three seasons. I'm totally hooked.

Today I sat on the couch and watched the first four discs of the seven disc set. I think I only moved to go to the bathroom and heat up soup. I've laughed, I've cried, I've yelled at the TV. I'm obssessed with Lost!!!

Seriously I am going to work tomorrow but I figure if I hurry right home after work I can cram another 3 or 4 episodes in tomorrow night. I for sure won't be putting in any extra hours at the office this week. I have a lot of catching up to do.

Jessie

Sick

A week ago my throat started hurting and I started coughing a lot. I thought it was just allergies. It was always bad in the morning but then by around 10 or so I would start feeling better until it got bad again in the evening. Well yesterday I started losing my voice. Today my voice is pretty much gone and my throat was like fire. So off to the doctor I went. Because I haven't been in like three weeks and that $50 was just burning a hold in my pocket.

So after spending my money and waiting in line for over an hour at the pharmacy I now have a prescription for strep throat and a double ear infection. Good times! I don't know what the deal is but the last year it feels like I'm always on an antibiotic for something. Even when I try to wait it out and hope it will go away on it's own I end up having to go to the doctor. I hate that. I hate how much it costs everytime I have to go. What a pain.

So I had to stay home today and since I'm contagious until I've been on the antibiotic for 24 hours it looks like I'm stuck at home tomorrow. YUCK! Lena and I have spent the day napping and watching movies. I decided that if I was going to be stuck here I was going to be as productive as possible. So while watching movies I've been putting all my mom's old pictures in photo albums. I've filled two albums so far which means 1200 pictures. And I'm halfway into the third. Hopefully all the rest will fit in that last one. It's been something on my to do list for along time so at least it's getting accomplished.

Jessie

Annoyed

I've spent the afternoon taking down my Christmas decorations. Yes I know I should have done it a long time ago. But I hate doing it. I hate putting them up and I hate taking them down. But I love the in between part. It's just such a hassle. Hauling it all in from the shop and spending all the time to put them up to only take them down a few weeks later. And then nothing goes back in the same boxes. I always end up with more stuff than I started with. And then dragging it all back out to the shop. Why do I even mess with it?

And my phone still isn't working right. I'm booked solid with appointments tomorrow for work so who knows when I'll be able to get it fixed. I've been using my work phone for pretty much everything. It doesn't have all my numbers in it but at least I can call out on it. As long as I have my immediate family and Darby in the phone I'm good to go. Everyone else can wait till Tuesday. Maybe then I'll even be able to check my voicemail.

Jessie

Stupid Phone

How can we put men on the moon but I can't seem to get a cell phone that works when it should. My phone has been turning on and off all day. It only works half the time. I can see that I have voicemails but I can't listen to them for some reason. And since the phone shuts off I can't even tell what calls I've missed. At this point it won't even stay on when I turn it back on. It will load up, beep that I have voicemail and then shut right back off. I've taken the battery out and put it back in and I've charged it. So who knows what is wrong with it. Any ideas how to fix it between now and Monday when the phone place opens back up????

Jessie

Old Chicago

Amanda, Mattie, and I loaded up today and headed to Wichita to see Heather. She couldn't come home this weekend and we were tired of missing her. So we decided if she wasn't coming to us we were going to her. We ended up meeting Heather and Kelci at Old Chicago for lunch. Oh my gosh the food was so good. I have eaten there before and it was good but it was really good today. I'm still full!

Amanda had never seen Heather and Kelci's place before so we took her over there to give her the tour and to hang out for awhile. Mattie thought Heather's was a pretty fun place to play. It was a fun afternoon. Mattie was enjoying the ride back home but Amanda and I had a great day. Now I've just got to get motivated and do some stuff around the house now that I'm back home. I have a lot to get done to get ready for the baby to come home. I'm trying not to do to many baby specific things just in case but I'd like to get some things in order that would relieve some stress if a little baby did show up sometime soon.

So I better get to it.

Jessie

Matched Up

Today I had a meeting with an expectant mother who would like for me to adopt her baby boy. She is due at the beginning of February. We had a very good first meeting and I feel really comfortable with her. She is a really neat gal. She already has two year old twins and they are really cute kids. Her little girl and I made friends quick thanks to the necklace I was wearing. Kids love beads! So at this point we are officially matched and now I just wait. I am going to try my hardest not to get too attached yet and to stay cautiously optimistic. I am so fearful she will change her mind after he is born like Miss N did. I don't know if I can handle all that again. But God has a plan. If this little guy is supposed to be mine then he will be. I just have to have faith this will all work out the way it is supposed too.

Jessie

Wordless Wednesday

Shots Rock

Well it happened tonight! I've been waiting for weeks and it finally happened! My blood sugar was below 200! In fact it was 174!!!!! That is still high but it's so much closer to normal. I'm making progress. The shots are working. Finally some real success!

What's crazy is that every day as I've seen it go down it's made it easier to stick with the eating right and the working out. It's like now that I finally have the help from the shots it's not like I'm trying and seeing no results. Now it's worth it. There is a payoff. I was so thrilled when I saw that 174 pop up! I was so happy that I wanted to reward myself with a big old bowl of ice cream but I didn't do that. Healthy me is not going to sabotage this! So I worked out and I had a really healthy dinner and I just did a happy dance. I can't wait to see what number pops up tomorrow. I think I might be getting this under control.

Jessie

Spring...

The last two days it has been in the 50's and 60's here. All the snow has melted and the sun has been shining. It's really nice. The only downside is that my allergies kicked in today. I've got a sore throat and I've been sneezing like crazy. At least when it's 20 degrees out I'm not sneezing while I'm freezing...

After Mattie went home today Darby and I went to the mall for a bit. She is the one that wanted to go but I ended up buying stuff. I found a couple great deals on things for Heather for her birthday so I couldn't pass that up. And I got myself a new pair of jeans and a couple shirts. Somehow I ended up with a credit on my Maurices credit card. So I just used that rather than wait for a check to come in a couple months.

Since I've started my injections for my blood sugar I've lost 10 pounds and gone down two pants sizes. The injections not only help regulate my blood sugar but they also shrink my stomach. So I have to eat really small amounts. I've also been forcing myself to exercise more often. I worked out 5 times this week. Between the injections, the working out, and cooking at home I'm really starting to notice a difference. So the jeans I bought today are pretty tight right now but hopefully they will last a little longer before I have to get another pair. I figure if they are tight now they won't be in two or three weeks.

If I keep up losing at this rate then I should be down about 60 pounds by June. That is amazing to me. Who knew a shot could do so much. I thought I would hate doing the shots but now I feel foolish for waiting so long. It doesn't hurt and I feel so much better on them. Each day my blood sugar is a little lower than the day before. I can't wait till it's in the normal range. I can't even imagine how good I'll feel then...

Jessie

The Mattie Adventures

Tonight I'm babysitting Mattie so my brother and sister-in-law could go out. She is a lot of fun! The last time I posted pictures of her she was having fun digging through the dish towel drawer. Tonight she found a bench and had a blast figuring out how to climb up and down on it. She figured out that if she stood on it she could get the stuff off my end tables. So here are the newest Mattie adventure pictures.






The girl just kills me. She and Lena spent along time playing. My dog is a psycho but when Mattie is around she is pretty chill. She still has lots of energy but she is way more gentle with Mattie then she is with anyone else. Mattie loves her and will laugh and laugh whenever Lena runs close to her. Heck between the dog and the bench I don't think she even played with any real toys tonight. She is easy to entertain that's for sure.

Jessie

The Strike

I'm really getting sick of the writer's strike. It's been going on for weeks now. At first I was understanding. I get that they want more money. They write the jokes they should get the credit and the cash. But now I'm getting tired of it. Darby and I watch Grey's Anatomy every Thursday together. It's what we do. Well for the last several weeks no new episodes! Next week there will be a new episode but it's the last one until the strike is over. Now I'm getting annoyed. I'm half tempted to just shut my cable off. There have been some good side effects to the strike. I'm reading more, I'm caught up on some things I had put off, and I am spending a lot less time watching TV. I'm thinking if it doesn't end soon I'll say farewell to cable and just stick with my books and netflix....

Jessie

Goals For 2008

Well my last post was a summary of the goals I set for 2007. Now that the New Year is here it is time to set new goals. I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. That has never worked for me. Goals are much better. It gives me something to focus on yet I don't have to freak out if I don't meet them. So here we go...

1. Adopt a baby!
2. Attend church at least twice a month.
3. Grow a vegetable garden.
4. Get a better balance between work and personal life. No more than 50 hours a week at the office or on the cell phone after hours!
5. Get my A1C level (diabetes level) to 7.5. It's currently 10.3 which is really really bad. 6.0 would be perfect non diabetes. 6.5 is what the doc recommends for diabetics.
6. Go to Chicago!
7. Have a garage sale.
8. Work out at least 3 times a week.
9. Visit my Dad and Cricket at their house in South Carolina.
10. Start my final practicum for grad school.
11. Only eat out one time per week.
12. Go to a ballet.
13. Go to Exploration Place in Wichita.

So that's my list of things I wanna do this year. Some are tough but some are fun. Good balance! That's actually my biggest goal. More balance in my life. Balance between work and school and my health and personal life. That would be a very big accomplishment.

Here's to a great New Year!!!!

Jessie