No Fix

I really thought "S" would call today or do something today to fix it. I thought he would call and say what a fool he was and that he did have the time. But he didn't. So it's not a bad dream. It's real. I'm a fool.

And you know what I don't even care. I'm not embarrassed. In fact I'm glad I did it. I never do that and I did. So now I will never have to wonder what if about this. I put it out there and did my part. So that's good and he can do whatever. Maybe he will come around maybe not. But I'm in a much better spot knowing today then not knowing yesterday. Does that make sense?

Work today was long and hard. I was really going to try to hang in there until mid August but Friday is going to be my last day. I'm going to take my FMLA starting Monday. That way I can be with mom and focus on what is really important. I burn up to much energy there that I could be focusing on her. And she is my most important priority. I can work anytime, I can only have this time with my mom now. I have 12 weeks to take and then I can go back and work for the rest of my life if I want.

So that's my plan. Sounds like a good one right??? I sure hope so....

Jessie

Fool

I'm a total idiot! I think I did the dumbest thing in my life tonight. If there was a hole in my yard I would crawl in it!!!

I've had this friend for a long time. Actually he is pretty much friends with my entire family. Let's call him "S". Well everyone has been telling me for well months that "S" really likes me. And I've kinda secretly liked him for a long time too. We kinda flirt and joke but never say much about it. But like the last two weeks I'm just sure he really likes me.

Honestly the last couple weeks I've really thought about it and there are a million reasons that I should be with "S" and so few reasons that I shouldn't. In all honesty I think I could be with him forever. Like I almost thought I really might love him. Crazy I know!!! Such a stupid girl.

I never trust anyone and I totally trust him and I feel real with him and safe with him and so I decided that enough was enough and I would just tell him. I don't know why today seemed like the day to do that but it did. So I get in my car and drive to his place and just spill my guts. I tell him everything! I'm not sure driving there what his response will be but I'm thinking it will be okay. He may be nervous but I'm just convinced he really likes me too. Everyone says he does. So I tell him EVERYTHING! I just start rambling like a fool and don't stop.

And what does he do.... He laughs!!!! He LAUGHED!!!! And then he said "Now is not the time." WHAT??????? Not the response I thought I'd get. So I say I'm leaving and we just need to forget that I said any of this. And he says "No we don't need to forget it, just not at this time." Again WHAT?????????????? I totally work up the nerve to tell you everything and you say it's not the time. Oh yes indeed it is the time. We have been playing this stupid game for years. It's past the time. I'm an idiot! So I'm home now and I've only puked once. I guess that is good. I'm gonna go to bed now and pretend that in the morning this will have all been a bad dream...

Out
Jessie

To Death

Some people are scaring me to death. I was sleeping peacefully and my doorbell starts ringing. Not once, Not twice but three times!!! Ringing like crazy, all types of loud. Lena is going nuts attacking the door. I'm trying to just wake the hell up. It's 1:45 and I've had a couple mudslides. Things aren't so clear... Is it my dream or is it real. Sleepy time fog and loudness and dogs barking.

It's real. My dang sister and her friends. They left their purses at my house before they went clubbing. They came to retrieve the purses. Not be attacked by a freaked out little dog. But attacked they were. So they left quickly, I'm not sure why they left... We try to make folks feel welcome. Me all dazed and half awake yelling at Lena who is barking and jumping and doing that excited pee... Why would you wanna leave such a happy little home... God I think we scared them to death!!!

Night

Jess

Suburban Super Hero

I'm the suburban super hero today! I solve middle class white girl problems. I don't have a cape or a crown but I have XM radio and a super cool cell phone. It's quite impressive to see me in action....

My first mission of the day came mid morning when I received a call about a fax machine hook up problem. I dropped everything and drove right within the speed limit to my mom's. In a few quick moments with just a minimum number of curse words I installed the fax machine, hooked up the caller idea and set the answering machine. Impressive I know!!! But it does get better.

Mid day brought a cable hook up crisis that once again was solved quickly by the one and only suburban super hero. I didn't even leave my air conditioned office but handled it all over the phone. Directing the cable guy to the appropriate areas of the home and instructing him to the location of the computer hookup. Yes I rock!!!

By 7 when most super hero's are off duty I quickly responded to a call for help. It seems a pack of adorable stray puppies wandered onto the patio area. While they were cute in appearance they were sneaky little devils. They took off with a shoe and a gardening glove forcing me into action. Not only did this suburban super hero save the shoe and glove but I also guided the puppies back home safely. Noble yes!

And at 9:30 I received my last desperate call for the day. A VCR had decided to be stubborn and would not record correctly. So super hero me again drove quickly yet safely to the problem area and corrected the problem. Not another day will pass without Days of Our Lives being taped for my dear Aunt Donna or my mother.

While a super hero's work is never officially done this super hero is tired. So I'm putting my cell phone on silent and turning in for the night.

Suburban Super Hero Out!

Sidewalk with No Sale

Today was the sidewalk sale downtown. Darby and I were very excited about it. I even ate lunch at my desk so I could have the whole hour to shop and have fun. The sidewalk sale is usually a huge event in town and way fun. They block off the main street through town and have tons of sales and stuff in the street. They usually have funnel cakes and food venders and the fire department opens up the hydrant so kids can get wet. It's just a good time and a ton of people go.

So Darby and I count down the hours and are all excited. We walk out onto the street and nothing. There are cars going by???? What is this. The street wasn't blocked off and nothing was happening. A sidewalk with no sale. It couldn't be... We wandered up and down commercial street and a few stores had things out but nothing good. There were no venders with food. There were no kids playing in the hydrant. There was no fun and no sales! We were so disappointed. It was the worst sidewalk sale ever!!!! I don't know what happened but it was just very wrong.

I really need a new pair of tennis shoes. Mine are worn out. All that walking is wearing them down. So I was planning on the shoe stores having big old sales and me getting some Nike Shocks cheap. Nope didn't happen. They had them $10 off and they were $90! That's ridiculous. Like I'm gonna pay $90 for a pair of shoes and think that is a sale. Absurd. So no new shoes for me. :-(

Over and Out
Jess

Survived

Well I survived my day back at work. I had so many email messages that it took me a couple hours to just get through those. So I basically spent the whole day getting caught up. So it went fairly fast.... And I didn't cry.

Walked tonight with Darby. We usually only walk about 30 minutes but tonight we went a whole hour. My legs hurt a little but it was good. I like just having the time to vent a little. Keeps me calm I suppose. Well calmer!

My Dad and Cricket went home yesterday so my house is kinda lonely. Just Lena and I now. Lena is missing them I think. She is getting so much better with meeting new people and she kinda likes people now so I think she is a bit bored with just me. She is being pretty snuggly but keeps wandering around the house. I think she thinks that they are just hiding somewhere.

Peace Out

Jessie

Back to Work

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I'm just really dreading it. It's such a hard thing for me to do. I tried to really enjoy today. Heather and I went to the pool all afternoon and I was able to relax and read. However, as soon as I got home I started getting worked up about going back. I just so don't want to do it.

I just have such a hard time at work anymore. All day that I'm there I just think why am I wasting my time here when I could be with my mom. I don't know how much time I have with her and I don't want to waste any of it. It's time that I will never get back.

And honestly I'm resentful of my clients now. I try hard not to be but I can't help it. My mom is a great mom and a good person and I don't know why she had to get pancreatic cancer. There are so many shitty mother's out there. In fact I have a whole case load of them at work. And all I can think is I'm spending time away from my good mom helping shitty mom's get their kids back. It's just not right. It just pisses me off. And I just hate it anymore.

But I'm going tomorrow. I don't know how it will go and I have a feeling it will involve crying but I'm doing it. It was hard to go back right after she was diagnosed and I did it so I'm hoping I can do it again. I just have to keep telling myself that it will be okay... Somehow I will start believing it.

Jessie

Well Rested

Mom's move is over. We got all the moving done on Saturday. All of the major things were unpacked and put away. In fact the Dining Room was almost completely decorated by the end of the day. And the kitchen was complete. Heather and I worked on the living room yesterday. The house looks very good. And mom loves it so that makes it all okay. It was so worth the hard work to have her be happy there!

Yesterday we hung out at mom's for a bit working on some things. Then Dad, Cricket and I all took a nap in the afternoon at my place. We were pretty sleepy and worn out. Heather came over in the evening and we watched the Miss Universe pageant and ate pizza. The girl we liked didn't win but it was okay. The winner was not a bad pick. What's funny is I just read a news story that she passed out about 40 minutes after the show ended. Guess the girl got to excited about having a crown...

I went to bed about midnight but now I'm wide awake. I think the nap threw me off. So Lena and I are chilling. I don't have to work tomorrow so I'm going to breakfast with Dad and Cricket before they head back to New Orleans. I'm going to mom's for a bit after that but I really want to hit the pool for awhile. I used all my vacation time up at work to paint and clean so I really want at least one relaxing day before I go back there. I was just going to take FMLA but hospice said to wait a bit so I have no choice but to go back. So the pool and a good book is the plan to try to make my return less traumatic.

Maybe I will try to go back to sleep.

Jess

Sick Puppy

Lena is one sick puppy. She has a fever and she is hacking and sneezing and wheezing. No fun. She also has the poopies. Hopefully she will feel better tomorrow. I really don't want to try to take her to the vet in the middle of the moving. That would be a bit chaotic. But then what's new. :-)

I'm heading to bed so I can get up at the butt crack of dawn to help move. Fun times.

Jessie

Time Flies

So it's been a long time. I know. I'm sorry bout ya! I've been a super busy crazy working girl.

My mom's house is done! Like carpet is in and paint is dry done!!! I just have to sweep and mop and it will be a home. I'm happy about that!

My mom is out of the hospital. She is hydrated and her pain is under control. We more under control than out of control. It is better. I'm happy about that too!

My dad and cricket are here. Heather and I were supposed to go to Texas this week but we canceled due to my mom being sicker and the house needing to be done. So they got on a plane and came to see us. I'm happy about that three.

I hung out with Stinna, Bel and Jorgen a bit today. Stinna and Bel helped clean at my mom's place. Jorgen slept and let me hold him and spit up on me. He is little and cute. Bel is big and cute. And Stinna looks like she has never had a baby before. How that happens for some people I will never know.

Lena is doing this weird snorting sneezing coughing thing. It sounds like she has allergies. It's very odd. I don't know about that dog.

I saw two guys walking down commercial street holding hands tonight.

I saw mom's new neighbor beating the hell out of her kid in her front yard and had to call the cops on her. Good times.

I have decided that I never want to build a home or extensively remodel one again in my lifetime. It's a pain in my kiester.

I've decided that people that hang wallpaper on sheetrock without sizing it should be stoned to death.

I have decided that moving when you have cancer makes moving way harder. I wouldn't recommend it.

I've decided that having your mom move while she has cancer about pushes a girl right over the edge. I wouldn't recommend it.

I'm sleeping in my spare bedroom tonight. It's the little bed that has the lump that makes you about fall out. I don't like it but I like having my Dad and Cricket here so I am sacrificing. I'm nice like that.

I don't like that it is super hot in Kansas right now. Like hotter than Africa kind of heat.

I think I waited to long to post.

I think I'm to tired to post tonight.

I think I'm going to bed in the lumpy little bed now with a sneezing, coughing, hacking puppy.

Night folks!

Jessie

Bad Day

Bad Day! Much Crying! Can't type!!!

Jess

Pain

Oh my God I hurt so bad. Pain like I can't describe! I think the last time I hurt this bad was about two years ago when I was remodeling my house before I moved in it! 13 hours today at mom's house!!! That's a long day. I spent 11 there yesterday. At least today I can see progress. We have every room primed. Tomorrow is the big color day! Hopefully we will be able to get color on most of the rooms. Heck I would be happy if we could get the dining room, kitchen, hallway, and spare bedroom done. That would be awesome!!! Don't know if that will happen but it would make me a very happy girl.

It may take a crane to get me out of bed in the morning.

Jessie

Ugh

Mom got closed on her house. So I took the day off to clean and try to get things done there. I've been striping wallpaper for the past 5 hours. Fun times. I swear people should not be allowed to use so much wallpaper. It's ridiculous! I came home to let Lena out and grab a snack. Then I'm back at it.

Jessie

What a Day

This has been such a crazy messy day. Took Lena to the vet this morning then went to work for a bit before my Dr appointment. My appointment ended up taking a hour and twenty minutes. My blood pressure was too high what a shocker. My blood sugar is too high again a shocker and my pulse was racing. My diagnosis is stress. I'm so glad I spent that much money to have them tell me something I already know. I about passed out when they took blood and thought I was gonna have a panic attack when they were talking to me about my mom. Someone said if it was their mom they wouldn't leave town. I'm supposed to go to Texas next week. So not a good morning. I ended up talking to the Hospice nurse later in the day and she said I'd probably be fine to go to Texas. That made me feel better but I keep thinking "probably" it just makes me nervous.

So I go back to the office and I'm not there very long and get word that my mom isn't doing good. So I talk my way out of the court hearings I'm supposed to go to and head to her house. Hospice was there and she was in a ton of pain. They finally got that somewhat under control so that is good but it just scared me. I hate seeing her in pain and I hate that feeling in my gut that says that something bad is just about to happen. It breaks my heart.

Once mom is okay I get a call from Darby that her mom Donna fell at our office and had to be taken to the ER. So since mom was okay I went there. Doesn't god know we can't take much more. Like Darby and I aren't on the edge. Both mom's can't be sick at the same time!!!! We just can't have that. So we finally get to see poor pretty Donna and her face is just crunched up. She broke her nose and put a tooth through her lip and has a knot on her head. She looked a lot better than what I was expecting but she looks so hurt. I just feel so bad for her. She has had so many back surgeries so I'm really worried that she screwed her back up again. I used to call her Donna Broken Back but now she is Donna Broken Nose. Poor girl!

I go pick up Lena and just about cried. I'd been crying off and on anyway. But she looks so ridiculous. Her hair was supposed to be short on top and a long beard and legs. But it's bald on top!!! She was freaking out. She keeps covering her head. I hate it. I keep praying it will grow fast. She is just a mess tonight.

Get home from that and Aunt Donna calls me. For some reason the money from Monte didn't show today so now the closing might not happen tomorrow. Seriously I walked in the bathroom and puked my guts up! I can't take ANYMORE!!! I'm so done today. One more bad news thing and I think I would just keel over. No more bad news!!! So now I'm sitting her typing and shaking because I'm so frustrated. I will never sleep tonight. Even with happy pills.

Over and Out

Jessie

Busy Day

I've got a busy day ahead of me. I'm glad I got up early so I had a little time this morning to post. Lena Lou gets her hair cut and the last of her shots today. I'm sure tonight she will be real pretty but pretty grumpy. She doesn't like all the other dogs at the vet so I'm thinking by the time I pick her up after work she will be very unhappy.

I have a doctors appointment this morning to see about my blood sugar. I don't know what they will want to do but I thought I should at least have it checked out. Then I have CRB hearings all afternoon. Fun times! Could I cram more crappy things into one day.

We all met with Hospice last night about my mom. She agreed to let them start working with her. I think it's a good thing. They can help her so much more with pain management. It was a hard decision for her but I think it was the best one.

Better get going

Jessie

Walking Wonders

Darby and I went walking tonight. We have decided we are doing it every night at 9:00. That way it's starting to cool off and it's starting to get dark. Hopefully it will help us sleep better. And hopefully it will help my blood sugar level out again a bit. I'm having a hard time keeping it okay. Some of it is stress, some of it is not enough exercise and some of it is eating crap to often! Basically I need to take better care of me. What a shocker!!!

I was surprised how quickly the time went. My calf hurt a little bit but my bad ankle didn't. I haven't really worked out since I jacked up my ankle so I thought it might hurt but it didn't... That is a good thing! It was nice to just walk and talk and chill out a bit. I'm so stressed lately that I need that time. I just love my Darbis! Who could ever ask for a better friend?

Miss Lena needs some lovin so I better get off of here and pay attention to her before she chews my foot off.

Jessie

Random Thoughts

Okay just some random thoughts...

1. The whole space shuttle thing. They sent another one off to space. Yes I'm annoyed by this. Why do they keep shipping people off to space? The shuttles blow up and catch fire and get hit by birds and have cracks in the wings and foam falling off. Doesn't seem like such a good plan to me... And it costs a whole lotta money. Money that could be spent on much better things. Things on earth, like people, and cures for cancer, and food for the hungry. What an idea take care of things on earth before you go to space... I could be a rocket scientist I'm so smart!!!

2. Brittney Spears... I know I swore I wouldn't talk about her. I didn't type a thing when she drove around with her kid on her lap or when she about dropped him. And I didn't say a thing when she did the dateline special and looked like crap. But I have to say something about the naked pregnant magazine layout. IT IS HOT! Seriously I love naked pregnant lady pictures. In fact as most of you know I do black and white pics for my pregnant naked friends. It's just a little gift that I give. I've got some good pics but Brittney's were way HOT. Like she should only be allowed to be pregnant, naked and silent for the rest of her life. No talking, no bad parenting, no gum chewing, no air quotes, just pregnant naked and still. I was impressed!

3. XM Radio... It's the bomb. I have it now. I'm cool like that. I just sit in my car all day listening to it. I only get out of the car to pee and sometimes I don't even do that... :-) I love it! You should get it!!! Everyone should have XM. Where else can you listen to a rap song, two country songs, hear a snippet of Jerry Sienfield and get the news all in a 10 minute period! NO COMMERCIALS! Just FUN! Go buy it!!!!

4. Wal-Mart.... It's still the devil but worse. They are remodeling our Wal-Mart now. I HATE it. I went there to get dog food. It's always in the aisle after cosmetics. It wasn't there. I asked the little people with the blue vests. You know the ones that say "Can I help you?" on the back. They work there, they should help me. They didn't. They sent me all over the place. I never found the dog food. I abandoned my cart and left. A friend told me later they they found it in the lawn and garden section. That makes sense. So often when I'm planting flowers and mowing my yard I need dog food! Wal-Mart SUCKS!!!

Just a few things I know...

Over and Out

Jessie

Cute Pics

Jorgen and Stinna have been released from the hospital. So Bel is back home too and I headed back to work today after a whole week off! YUCK!!! I'm really wishing that I would have just taken today off too. Below are some pictures of Bel and Jorgen. Two of the cutest kids in the world....

Jessie

Jorgen Arrives

Mr. Jorgen Andrew Karch arrived at 7:37 this morning. He weighed 6 pounds and 4 ounces and is 19 inches long. He is pretty cute! Bel officially "loves him"!!! We went to the hospital shortly after we got the call and spent about an hour. Bel was able to hold him and love on him. She was very gentle and sweet.

After that we headed to the pool! We had a fabulous afternoon swimming and chilling. She is such a fun girl. I took lots of pictures at the hospital and at the pool so I will post more later. I need to get in the shower while she is still asleep. The pool wore her out and she fell asleep in the car on the way home!

Jessie

Baby Day

Stinna is really in labor this time around! The fireworks show really got her going. They have admitted her to the hospital and she is not leaving until she delivers!!! Bel and I are having a slumber party and trying to guess what time the baby will make his arrival.

We hung out at the hospital for awhile but after Bel put her feet in the stirrups and pretended to be pushing we decided maybe we should head on home. Though she is quite entertaining the labor and delivery floor isn't really the best place for the Bel Show. She is quite a gal. She informed me on the way home that babies come out of vaginas. That just cracked me up. She is too smart for her own good.

I'm off to try to sleep. Hopefully Adam will call soon and let me know that a baby has arrived.

Jessie

Fourth of July

Well it's the fourth of July. Just kinda another day around here. We did all of our celebrating over the weekend so now I'm just being a bum. Went out to mom's during the day and hung out. She slept a long time so Betty and I did a puzzle. Now I'm home and I'm gonna do some laundry and think about all the reasons that I don't want to go back to work tomorrow morning....

My weird neighbor guy that lives two houses down. Have I told you all about him. He is the one that yells at his kid at all the time and beats his dog. He also yells constantly. He must be hard of hearing because he doesn't talk in a normal tone. VERY LOUD ALL THE TIME.

Well he has a new friend. This single mom with three out of control kids and a nasty looking little dog moved in beside him. They are for sure my future clients! She seems to be missing all the fries from her happy meal. Dumber than a box of rocks. Well they have been talking or well yelling at one another for a couple days now. Last night Lena started going crazy at about midnight. So I got up to check things out. And loud man was yelling at dumb girl and they were making plans for a bar-be-que today. Why they were doing that in the middle of the night I do not know.

But today when I left to go to mom's they were hanging out in his yard together. Keep in mind it hasn't been mowed in 3 weeks and is about up to his waist. But they were hanging out. I think they forgot to cook the hotdogs because some of her dirty little kids were wandering around eating raw ones and throwing things at their dog. What a great family picture!!! I swear I have to move.

Jessie

Busy

It's been a busy busy weekend. I'm worn out! So not to long of a post. Went to Topeka to Charlie and Adair's house both Saturday and Sunday. Got a late start Saturday because someone busted a window out in my car on Friday Night/Saturday Morning. No good. Don't even what to think about paying that. Insurance will cover some but I'll have to come up with the deductible. Nice!

The weekend was good though. Very fun. Most of our relatives were there and it was just a good time. I'm tired so I'm signing off for tonight.

Jessie