Monday, July 24, 2006

Back to Work

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I'm just really dreading it. It's such a hard thing for me to do. I tried to really enjoy today. Heather and I went to the pool all afternoon and I was able to relax and read. However, as soon as I got home I started getting worked up about going back. I just so don't want to do it.

I just have such a hard time at work anymore. All day that I'm there I just think why am I wasting my time here when I could be with my mom. I don't know how much time I have with her and I don't want to waste any of it. It's time that I will never get back.

And honestly I'm resentful of my clients now. I try hard not to be but I can't help it. My mom is a great mom and a good person and I don't know why she had to get pancreatic cancer. There are so many shitty mother's out there. In fact I have a whole case load of them at work. And all I can think is I'm spending time away from my good mom helping shitty mom's get their kids back. It's just not right. It just pisses me off. And I just hate it anymore.

But I'm going tomorrow. I don't know how it will go and I have a feeling it will involve crying but I'm doing it. It was hard to go back right after she was diagnosed and I did it so I'm hoping I can do it again. I just have to keep telling myself that it will be okay... Somehow I will start believing it.


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