Long Day

Long day at work. Then went to mom's for the evening. Now have stuff to do to prepare for a court hearing tommorow. Lots to say just no time to say it....

Jessie

Sympathy

Venus my step sister got very sad news today. Her dad passed away in a house fire. I know she is hurting and I just want her to know I'm thinking of her. She is in Texas and her dad was in Indiana. Cricket and my Dad are with her and Dalton and Morghan now. They will go to Indiana tomorrow to make the funeral arrangements. Just a rough day for them. Heather and I are planning on going to Indiana for the service. We need to be with Venus during such a difficult time...

Jessie

Long Day

This has felt like the longest day ever! I got up early and went over to Darby's to stay with Caden. I think the poor little guy is traumatized. He woke up and was just talking away all happy so I went in to get him out of the crib and he looked up at me and just started bawling. Then he sat on the couch and cried for a while. He would cover up his eyes with his blanket and start to calm down and then peek out and see me and start crying again. I think he thought he would look up and eventually his mom or dad would be there.

Caden knows me. It's not like I'm a stranger. But I've never been there in the morning. I think he just freaked out with the change in routine. It just wasn't supposed to be like that to him I'm sure. He kept pointing at pictures and saying mama and daddy. But after about 10 minutes I won him over with a cereal bar and toys... I can make awesome sound effects for the little people animals. When you are two you can't resist that! So he ended up being fine. But it was a rough start for him.

Work just seemed to drag on forever today. I got a lot of stuff done but it felt like I was there for three days in one. Everyone was tired and a little cranky and we just didn't want to be there. I'm dreading going back tomorrow. I don't have anything on my schedule and I did all my busy work today so tomorrow will be just great I'm sure!

Mom was doing good this evening. She looked good and seemed to have a lot of energy today. I keep thinking that one day I will just go out there and it will all be normal again. That she will be healed and better and this cancer crap will be behind us. Maybe not but on her good days I think it might be a mistake and the doctor's might be wrong.....

Jessie

Monday

Well it's been a Monday. Just crazy busy and a little overwhelming. I'm not a big fan of Monday's. However, the new girl at work Leslie seems to be alright. She really jumps right in and does stuff. While I still have a lot of training to do with her she really doesn't hesitate to get things done. I'm impressed. I think she may hang in there.

Filled out the paperwork tonight to appeal the social security determination for mom. Kinda a hassle but well worth it if we can get it straightened out. What a mess! Who knew being sick would be such hard work for a person. Doesn't seem right that when you are feeling your worst you have to fight so hard for things. I don't get it.

tomorrow at the butt crack of dawn I'm going over to Darby's to watch Caden. Her and Chris both have early morning appointments so someone has to stay with him. For some reason they don't like to leave their toddler unsupervised.... I just don't get it. He got all those cool toys for his birthday, I bet he could stay occupied for awhile.

Better get to bed

Jessie

Go Fish

I think Bel and I have played about 800 games of go fish this weekend! She loves that game! I'm about sick of that game. I'm half tempted to drown myself in a fish pond!!!! We are breaking out the puzzles her in a minute for a change of pace. You can only play the same thing so many times. I guess a three year old doesn't get that.

Yesterday was Caden's birthday party. I thought it was pretty fun. He got some really neat toys! I'm sure Darby and Chris are gonna love finding a place for those to go. And Bel wore herself out playing there so she took a good nap. Gotta love that!

Went to mom's yesterday afternoon. She got her letter from disability and was denied. That pretty much set me off. I'm gonna appeal it but it's just incredibly frustrating to me. I don't get it!!!

Jessie

Good Day

Today has been a very good day. Work was crazy busy but that's okay. I got off right at five and went to pick up Bel. We went out to mom's house for the evening and then came home and played dinosaurs for a hour before she fell asleep on the floor.

Mom is doing great today! She called me this morning to tell me she made pancakes for breakfast. She hasn't had the energy to cook in forever so that is just amazing to me. I was so impressed and proud of her. And tonight she just seemed like herself again. It's so cool! I could really get used to that.

Jessie

Darbis Fix

Well I got my Darbis fix today! Darby and I went to Topeka this afternoon to do some much needed shopping. We got all Caden's stuff for his birthday party on Saturday. He is going to have the coolest 2nd birthday party ever! We also picked up a few little things for us....

It's been a long time since Darby and I have just gone and done something fun. We spend a lot of time together but it's at work or on the phone or about the drama in our lives. It's been a long time since we just had a fun day together! I just love her. We just click. She is the only person I know that I can spend so much time with and not get sick of her or annoyed. I swear I need to find the male version of Darby and marry him quick! I wonder what the male version of Darby would look like. Now that would be funny....

I think I am for sure going to hell. We were in toys r us and I actually said a bad word! Not the worst one out there but a mid range curse word. Not good. And then the checker lady was annoying the crap out of us. She was slower than a snail with a limp and she kept talking on this walkie talkie thing and had a weird eye. So when Darby went to get the "big ticket" item at customer service and the checker chick said she would help me load my sister's things in my cart I did something very naughty. I actually said, "Oh she's not my sister that's my girlfriend." So not only did I curse in toys r us but I also discussed lesbianism.... I'm so going to hell. But the look on her face was priceless! It was so worth it...

Goodnight

Jessie

Mah Jong Madness

I didn't get to post last night because Heather kept me up so late playing Mah Jong Tiles. It's a computer game and we have become addicted to it. We take turns and each play a round to see if we can beat my previous high score. What was going to be one or two games turned into a mah jong marathon and it was after midnight when we got done. Damn college girl. She can stay up way late like that. Anything after 10 is an all nighter for me. :-)

So now I'm off to the office and I'm feeling very sleepy today.

Jessie

Winter

Well it's cold. Very cold! We got snow last night. Not enough to really matter. But enough to be annoying. Poor Heather is on Spring Break and is freezing. Just seems very wrong to me.

Crystal didn't come to work this week. Since she doesn't work there anymore that is probably why. I kinda miss her though. I didn't realize how much I liked her until she was gone. Now I have Leslie as a case manager. She doesn't seem bad. She actually seems pretty sharp. And she is a little older which is nice. But she called me sugarplum this morning and that is weird. I don't like that. So we may have to talk about that!

I'm tired tonight. Didn't sleep so well last night. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight. That would make me very happy....

Jessie

Spring

Well it's the first day of spring and it doesn't feel that way here. It's been raining for two days. But boy is my grass getting green! It's a perfect nap day so I'm gonna head out to mom's in just a little bit and sleep there. I've figured out that when she naps it's the perfect time for me to nap too. We have a good little sleep system.

Karla my birthmom came to visit yesterday. She stayed the night and then just headed back a little bit ago. It was very nice to visit with her. I really enjoyed the time. She has never seen my house. When she came to my college graduation I was still in my old house so it was nice for her to be able to see where I'm at now. And she got to spend some time with my mom so that is good.

Well better head out to mom's before I fall asleep here!

Jessie

TGIF

Well it's Friday. That is a good thing. I overslept this morning so it made for a short day at the office. It was Crystal's last day today so we had her little going away party tonight. We all went to Natasha's for drinks. It was a good time. I'm actually gonna miss that girl. We started out rough but I feel like we just recently got bonded and used to each other and now she is gone. Now I have to start all over with a new case manager. One more to train. YUCK!!!!

Hung out with mom for a bit this evening. She was in a good mood. Heather and Shawn and Amanda were there too so that was cool. Now I'm waiting for my laundry to get done drying so I can put it away and go to bed. Morning comes early. Tumbling class for Miss Bel at 9:00. Why did I put her in the early class????

Karla, my birth mom comes for a visit tomorrow. That will be a good thing. I haven't seen her in awhile. She is gonna stay the night so I'll get a whole day with her. That really hasn't happened in a long time.

Roy got arrested today. That's random huh. He just called me up and started chatting about my plans for the night and then says "Oh did I tell you I got arrested?" Like it's no big deal. I thought he was joking but he wasn't. I guess they are saying his driver's license is suspended. I don't think it is. He had some fines but paid those so it is probably an error. I guess he won't know for sure until Monday when their office is open to check on it. So that sucks for him. Monte went and bailed him out. So he is a free bird that is unable to drive... That boy never stops shocking me. There is always something with him. At least he didn't whack me in the eye with a cell phone charger today. I should be thrilled!

Jessie

Deaf

Okay did you see the story about Miss Deaf Texas getting hit by a train and killed. Yes it's real. It was on CNN. I guess she was walking on the tracks text messaging friends and family and got hit. However, according to the news article the train continued to blow it's horn until impact but did not get a response.... Seriously for some sick reason I think that is just a tiny bit funny. I know I need some real help....

Okay I'm tired and don't wanna talk about my own issues. God knows I have plenty. I just can't even get started tonight.

Jessie

Black Eye

Okay things are a bit out of sorts at my house right now. Shawn and Amanda came to visit. That is good. But Jessie has a little house. So since they are a couple and I am a single I decided I'd take the little bed in the spare room and give them the big bed. So I'm in the twin bed which makes no sense because you couldn't fit me and a twin in that bed. But whatever. That's where I went night night last night. Well they were supposed to show up in the middle of the night. So Roy stopped by and wanted to wait and see them. So I put him on the couch. So this is what it was like.

Me in little baby bed crunched against the wall trying not to fall out. Royferd on the little couch trying not to fall off and then Shawn and Amanda didn't get here till 5:18 this morning. So then Roy and I were just awake. So we are sitting on my couch talking at about ohhhh 5:42 and Roy's cell phone beeps. He had been charging it and it was done charging. Dang I'm a nice ex girlfriend. I loan out my couch and my electricity.

So anyways we talk, phone beeps and Roy decides to unplug it. Smart move. NO!!! Instead of like reaching over and unplugging it he just tugs it and yanks the thing out of the wall. And at about 5:44 the cell phone charger slams into my eyeball!!!! And what do those three jerks do while I flop about on the floor in pain???? They laugh uncontrollably! Assholes!

So after like 10 minutes Roy says he is sorry for slamming it into my pretty little eyeball and Shawn suggests ice and I quit crying. It hurt dang it! It's a good thing I'm a fast blinker or those little plugs would have rammed right into my cornea and blinded me! I would have been real mad then!

So my eye hurts now. It's not black. It was puffy for a little bit and then went down. It stings a bit and I'm having flash backs but it's not gonna bruise. Next time my ex boyfriend wants to charge his phone though I'm saying NO!!!

Jessie

Weird

Things are so weird lately. I just struggle to find something normal in each day. I hate cancer. I hate chemo. I hate the powerlessness. I hate that this is our life. I broke down and cried today to my mom and well everyone at the breakfast table. I just want our life back. I want one single day of normal. Nothing fancy. I want to go to my mom's and eat a meal that we made and sit at her table and joke around. And then I wanna play Mexican Train Dominos and laugh and just be us. And I want to not think about time and blood counts and life. I just want an ordinary day. One ordinary day!!!!

That's not gonna happen again probably. And I hate that too!!!

Jessie

Weekend

Well the weekend has flown by! Saturday I took Bel to tumbling and she did a good job. She is getting better at listening and understanding the routine. They used the high balance beam and she looked like such a big kid. It is hard to believe that she is old enough to do those things. Her mom is pregnant again and she is struggling with the idea of a new little person coming to live at her house. I think once he is here she will be fine with it. Yes I said he. His name will be Jorgen which I think is kinda cool.

After tumbling I headed out to see Heather. We had a great day. We went to lunch, went to the mall and shopped and then got pedicures. I wasn't prepared for a pedicure so we had to stop at Old Navy and buy me a pair of flip and flops but now my toes are beautiful!!! I love pedicures. I hadn't been that relaxed in weeks. After I got home from seeing her I went out for drinks with a friend. Yes a boy. The one I talked to for so long the other night. We had a good time. I kinda like him!

Today Fly Lady actually kicked in again and I cleaned my house. I just kept setting the timer for 15 minutes at a time and I got it done pretty quick. It makes me feel a lot better to have a clutter free house. I don't like the dirt and piles and disorganization. Since I got that done I didn't feel one bit guilty about watching movies and doing nothing this afternoon.

I don't wanna go back to work tomorrow.

Jessie

To Cut or Not

Okay the debate of the week at work has been over circumcision. Should people circumcise their little boys or not.... I say NO! Pretty much everyone else says yes. I don't get this. Why in the heck would you cut something off of your baby. If little boys weren't supposed to wear hats why would God give them one to start out with???? Why would you inflict pain on your baby for no reason??? Won't the rest of the "weinis" as Darby called it today get cold???

There is just no way I could do this to my kid. Most of the ladies said it's for hygiene purposes and to reduce infections. However, I have been doing some research tonight and some studies say that circumcised men tend to have more urinary tract infections than those that are uncircumcised. So I say keep the skin!

If some doctor wanted to cut off part of a little girls clitoris people would be in an uproar. In fact some famous celebrities are trying to stop such things in other countries. But we just line our little boys up for a snip snip here and a snip snip there. I just don't get how you take away a part of their little bodies for no reason. There has to be some happy little feelers in that skin. Little nerve endings that would make them very happy someday. My guess is that if all men were able to keep there foreskin there would be less fighting in the world. Just think in their first day of life they learn that lights are way to bright, it's pretty cold on the outside and that people will cut up your wiener if you give them the chance. No wonder men have issues!!!! Just say no to clipping!!!!

I told the gals at the office that I would put our little debate out there on the website and let you all decide.... I'm sure that my kind and sensitive readers are on my side here... :-)

Jessie

Best Day

This has just been the best day! First my mom got her PET scan results back. They had told her the last time in Chicago that she had some spots on her liver and one on her lung that they thought were cancer. So they did the PET scan to see where it had spread to. And the PET scan shows that it is still contained in the pancreas and blood vessels around it. So that is WONDERFUL!!! It hasn't spread which gives us more time. Very good news.

It sure is funny how my perception of good and bad news has changed in the last month. They gave us the same exact diagnosis on February 6th and it was just horrifying. Now it seems like we won the lottery. Not that she has it but that it hasn't spread. It's just amazing to me. We take any piece of good that we can get!

And then I got a call from my nurse with my blood test results from my A1c diabetes check. It was a 6.3 which is almost normal. It's gone down quite a bit in 3 months. Once you are at a 6.5 you are no longer at risk for the side effects of diabetes like kidney failure, blindness, and foot loss, so that is great. And then the normal range is 4.0-6.0 so I'm almost normal. My goal for the next three months is to get to a 5.7. That would make me a very happy girl!!!

More later!
Jessie

Wow

Okay it's 4:30 and I'm awake. But I feel amazing. I fell asleep at 10:05 and slept straight thru till now. So 6 1/2 hours is my new record. I'm so pleased. I could handle this. If I could get 6 hours of sleep each night I would be so dang happy!

Better

Feeling better tonight. The happy pills are actually working! The new doctor who is amazing gave me Klonopin to help me sleep and relax. And I took it about ten minutes ago and I'm feeling very sleepy! It could be a good night. I LOVE her!!!

I bought the James Blount CD today. It is very good. I've been listening to it most of the night while I cleaned. He has an odd voice for a man but I like it.

Gonna have a busy day at work tomorrow... Kinda dreading that but at least I get to wear jeans since it's Friday.

Later

Jessie

Fiber

The lovely nutritionist lady from my diabetes ed class looked at my meal plan and gave me some new goals. Now I'm supposed to increase the amount of fiber I eat. I was already getting 20 grams but she wants me between 25-30 grams. So she suggested that if I would just eat 1/2 cup of Fiber One for breakfast it would meet my goal. So I said sure. What the hell was I thinking.

This crap tastes and feels like I'm eating sticks and twigs. It's horrible. I even mixed it in with my yougert thinking that would make it better. I was so so wrong. It's still nasty in my mouth. I don't want it. I'm thinking I'm just gonna have to eat a couple more apples a day or something else. YUCK!

Jessie

Funny

Okay I'm watching Jay Leno and Tim Allen is on there. Seriously he is the funniest guy to me. I would marry him right now! He is the kinda guy I need. Him or Denzel Washington. I'll wait for both of them.

Alone

Well mom and Donna headed for Chicago today. She will be gone till Monday so I'm alone again. I hate it when she leaves. This morning I went and ate breakfast with her and then cried for a good while after I left there. But I kinda got it back together for a decent rest of the day.

Now I'm home and lonely. I hate the night. We were talking about it at work today and the night is always the worst! It's long and dark. But it will be okay. I worked out again and I've painted my toenails. I'm gonna be okay. It's just 8 1/2 hours till morning...

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm switching doctors. My old doctor who I loved was mom's doctor. And now he won't look me in the eye. I think he feels like he let me down. And when I tried to talk to him about putting me on different meds for depression or anxiety and he couldn't handle my crying. I don't blame him for mom being sick and I'm not angry with him at all. In fact he is my favorite doctor. But I need different meds. What I'm on isn't working and he doesn't seem willing to work with me on it... So new doctor. But I get to keep my super nurse Angela.

So tomorrow hopefully this new doctor will change my meds. She is also gonna run my A1c test for my diabetes. Meds that work would be a good thing. I don't worry so much about the depression. I think it's pretty natural to be depressed right now. But there are times when I get so upset I can't get calmed down and then I throw up and that doesn't work for me. I mainly need something that would help take the edge off of the really bad moments. So she needs to hook me up with the good stuff!

Me

Early

Well I woke up at 5:00 and couldn't go back to sleep... So I've worked out, done a load of laundry, gotten ready for work, read my people magazine, and now I'm just waiting. I would go to the office but today my mom leaves for Chicago so I am going out to her place to have breakfast with her. I wanna see her before she leaves today. But I don't want to get out there before she wakes up. That would be bad!

Have my diabetes class again tonight. Last night wasn't bad. It was the nutritionist and I like that. Tonight is the pharmacist and I'm kinda dreading that.

It rained more last night. So my tulips look fabulous this morning! I love the rain. It feels like we haven't had any in forever. Watch now that it has started it won't stop and I'll be complaining about my flowers being flooded in a couple weeks. There is just no in between in good old Kansas.

Jessie

Boys

Okay I just got off the phone with a boy. I was on the phone with him for 56 minutes! How crazy is that. And yes I know I use to many cell phone minutes but since it's after 9 it was my free nights minutes so I won't go over this month. But seriously this boy is different. Like nice and caring and not the usual boy that talks to me. It scares me a little. I wasn't even able to be rude to him like I'm usually rude to boys. Usually I try to scare them off before they turn into real jerks but he doesn't seem jerk like. I was nice and witty and non ball breaking throughout the conversation... I even flirted a bit. I agreed to going out for a drink this weekend. What am I doing!!!! I let my guard down slightly. ODD!

Good Night

Jessie

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRICKET!!!!

Diabetes Education

Well started the first night of diabetes education. I HATE IT!!! It was a nightmare. It was so so so boring. I can't even describe it. First I was the youngest person there by at least 30 years. Second, I was the only person there without a support person. I was supposed to take mom but well she has pancreatic cancer and that beats out diabetes every time! So I was alone in my boredom. And most importantly there were no cookies. They had broccoli and carrots for snacks. YUCK! I don't understand why they didn't give us any cookies. :-)

I am hoping that tomorrow night will be better. The nutritionist will be there and I like her. Hopefully she will give me some good ideas of things to try to change my diet. I'm always open to that. If it will make my fat come off faster I'm a big fan of it... So I'm gonna cross my fingers.

I am going out to mom's early tomorrow for her disability interview. Since I filled out all the paperwork I thought I should probably be there for it. I am hoping I did the paperwork right and it won't take them too long to get the needed info figured out so she can start getting some help. That would be a very good thing. We will just have to wait and see I suppose.

Over and Out

Jessie

Tumbling in Review

Darby asked if Bel actually "did" tumbling this week. And the answer is kinda! The first time we went involved much crying and arguing and lack of participation in anything other than somersaults or frog jumps. But she did better this time. There was no crying so that is big success!

She did all of the things the other kids did. Just in her own unique Bel type way. She for sure dances to her own tune. They were doing the balance beam and she was very excited about it. So excited she wouldn't wait in line and about knocked another little kid off to go again. And she informed the teacher that her big finish involves a somersault rather than the hands in the air... And at one point she did kicks clear across the gym while the other kids stayed in the designated area.... But there was NO CRYING!!!

As we were leaving she said, "I didn't cry like a baby this time, but I know I'm not a good listener..." I didn't really know what to say to that so I just replied that maybe she "could work on that." God I love that kid. A part of me thinks that the lack of attention and focus is a bad thing. But then I love it that she does her own thing and doesn't get caught up in other people's ideas of how things "should be". Seriously why do kids have to walk in straight lines? At least my girl isn't afraid to zig zag... I think I'll keep her. She may never be the best tumbler but dang she is funny and she is unique and that is better than any frog jumper I've ever seen!!!

Jessie

Good Morning

Wow I actually slept through the night! I woke up at 7:45 this morning and that was it. I've been getting up for a couple hours in the middle of the night each night. So the whole night sleeping deal is pretty dang exciting to me. I feel like a big kid now!

I watched that new show Conviction last night. VERY GOOD. I'm impressed. It has some of the people from Law and Order but not too many. And it's just about the lawyer piece, no cops. So I think I am gonna like it. I'm addicted to Law and Order so this new one will just slide right in with no problem... I'm a freak about legal shows. Don't know why exactly... But I am.

Jess

Weirdo

Took Bel to tumbling today. On the ride there she wasn't as talkative as usual. So I figured she was playing with her stuff in the back seat. Well I pull in the parking lot, shut off the car, and turn around.... And this is what I see!!!




She just cracks me up! I didn't even know that mask was back there!!! How I ever survived in the world before she was born I will never know. She is so incredibly funny and sweet and just a huge breath of fresh air. Not only does she do physical humor but she also had a new joke today....

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino......

Jessie

Friday

TGIF!!! I'm so ready for the weekend. This has just felt like the longest week ever. Work sucked today. I got a lot of stuff done but not a single thing that was on my to do list. Kinda frustrating.

Went to mom's after work and she was doing okay. My aunt Betty is back so that is nice. My Aunt Donna is coming tomorrow also so all of my mom's sisters will be there at one time. That should be fun.

tomorrow is also tumbling for Miss Bel. Hopefully she will like it more this time around. Last time she wasn't too thrilled about it. So we will try again....

Going to bed soon

Jessie

So Proud!!!

I'm soooo proud of my Dad. He quit smoking. I guess he hasn't smoked since the day he went back to Baton Rouge. I think that is very cool. I'm really impressed and a bit inspired. If it was up to me he would live in a safe little bubble but quitting smoking is enough of a safety precaution for me right now! That is very cool. So Dad if you are reading this YOU ROCK!!!!

Love ya!
Jessie

The Place

I was talking with Darby's mom today about my feelings. I was trying to describe it... Give it a word, a look, a feel, something. And I just couldn't. But tonight it's starting to come together for me.

I was running. Yes the fat girl went running. I thought if I ran and ran I would run away from it all. I didn't get away but I'm worn out so I guess that is success. I actually ran for 30 minutes. I don't know how exactly. I've done more things in the past 30 days that I never thought I could do so I guess this is just one more to add to the list.

But I realized that I've gone to a place. It's a place far away from anywhere I've ever been. It's a deep place that I don't understand. Everything is sharper and harsher and just incredibly real. The pain is more intense than I ever thought I could know. The anger is hot and cruel and uncontrollable. The fear engulfs me in a way I can't describe. The desperation is like hunger of the worst kind. But oddly enough there is also this strange feeling of simpleness. It's like all the bullshit has gone away....

What used to matter doesn't matter anymore. The simple little things bring me more joy than I ever knew could exist. I never knew that a little laugh, a hug, a quiet dinner, or just a certain ringtone on my cell phone could bring me so much happiness. There is no time left to waste on crap... I just wake up grateful everyone I love is still breathing and I get another chance at another day.

I don't really like the place... It's to real and raw and cruel and overwhelming. I don't like it but I'm there. And I don't have a choice in being there. But I have a choice in dealing with it. Regardless of how far I want to run away or how deep of a hole I want to dig to hide in I'm in the place. And I guess I might as well get comfy...

Jessie

Heart Attack

Okay seriously I opened my phone bill and about crapped my pants! It's $335.91!!! And that is after the $225 bill last month that a very nice anonymous person paid for me. I knew this month would be high but I wasn't counting on that! I had to email Dad and Cricket and ask them to help me this month. I was going to call them but I'm scared to use my freaking phone. I have to go to Alltel tomorrow and see if I can up the minutes on my phone! This is ridiculous!