Wednesday, March 01, 2006

The Place

I was talking with Darby's mom today about my feelings. I was trying to describe it... Give it a word, a look, a feel, something. And I just couldn't. But tonight it's starting to come together for me.

I was running. Yes the fat girl went running. I thought if I ran and ran I would run away from it all. I didn't get away but I'm worn out so I guess that is success. I actually ran for 30 minutes. I don't know how exactly. I've done more things in the past 30 days that I never thought I could do so I guess this is just one more to add to the list.

But I realized that I've gone to a place. It's a place far away from anywhere I've ever been. It's a deep place that I don't understand. Everything is sharper and harsher and just incredibly real. The pain is more intense than I ever thought I could know. The anger is hot and cruel and uncontrollable. The fear engulfs me in a way I can't describe. The desperation is like hunger of the worst kind. But oddly enough there is also this strange feeling of simpleness. It's like all the bullshit has gone away....

What used to matter doesn't matter anymore. The simple little things bring me more joy than I ever knew could exist. I never knew that a little laugh, a hug, a quiet dinner, or just a certain ringtone on my cell phone could bring me so much happiness. There is no time left to waste on crap... I just wake up grateful everyone I love is still breathing and I get another chance at another day.

I don't really like the place... It's to real and raw and cruel and overwhelming. I don't like it but I'm there. And I don't have a choice in being there. But I have a choice in dealing with it. Regardless of how far I want to run away or how deep of a hole I want to dig to hide in I'm in the place. And I guess I might as well get comfy...



Heather said...

Its interesting that you describe it like that. I never thought someone else could feel exactly the same way I do...imagine that. I am a new person because of this, and sometimes I'm afraid that I don't know who I am, or that no one else knows who I am either. When I'm here at school, my life is so weird, I'm like two people living one world...I get a release from the darkness, a breath of fresh air, and for a moment I have light, an escape...then I come home and I feel like I am suffocating. I am definitely not comfortable in this new world of are way more accepting than me I guess.

I love you
See you this weekend

Darbis said...

jess---i'm pretty sure you could write a book. your words are amazing. and heather---i'm very proud of you and inspired by the strength you both are demonstrating. i love you both.