Monday, February 12, 2007

Not My Day

Things aren't going quite right today. I woke up this morning on time and okay. But in the shower I just started getting upset. I couldn't get myself to stop crying. I really miss my mom. I just have so many things to tell her. I headed to class but now I'm sitting in the computer lab. I had to leave class because I was crying to much to focus. I'm debating if I'm going home for the day or if I'm gonna try to stick it out and hope I'm doing better by my next class period.

I just don't understand this. I know grief is crazy but I've been doing better. Then it just hits me like a ton of bricks. There is no rhyme or reason to it! While the breakdowns are getting further apart the intensity seems to be increasing when they do hit. It makes no sense to me. I called Heather and she said she got upset last night and that she feels the same way about the time between and the intensity. So at least I'm not crazy crazy since she is having the same problem. But dang it's hard to comprehend. No day is really WONDERFUl but they have for the most part been manageable lately and then WHAM now I'm crying in the computer lab and can't calm myself down.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is how it will just be for the rest of my life. Will I forever have days like this on occassion where I just can't believe she is gone. Will I ever quit missing her so desperately? I would give anything for a ten minute conversation with her. I would just talk fast and try to cram as much in as I could. I think part of this is just accepting that even though I really like to be in control of my emotions I can't be all the time. I really have no pride left anymore. It doesn't bother me to cry in class or to have random strangers see me a mess. What bothers me is that I don't know when it is coming. I can't prepare for it at all. I just wander through life and it suprises me. A sneak attack of grief and chaos and crying fits.

That's nice...


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