:-(

I'm still MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Home Sweet Home

My mom is coming to my house this evening! Her house is being cleaned and she can't be around the chemicals so she is coming here. That means I get to stay at home this evening. That is pretty cool by me. I haven't been home in the evening for awhile. Plus it will be nice to have her hang out here for a change of scenery. I'm sure she has to get sick of being stuck at her house...

Jessie

Down Day

Just feeling kinda down and sorry for myself today. Talked to Darby for quite awhile tonight and that helped. I do pretty good for a couple days and then I break down. Guess it will just be a fun crazy little crying game I play. I just wonder when things changed. When my old life disappeared and this is what I was left with. I wonder if there are enough prayers in the world to make my mom okay. I'm just tired.....

Jessie

Party

We had Heather's 19th Birthday Party this evening. Mom was feeling fairly good after a long nap this afternoon. So we had a wonderful time. As you can see we are all wearing our scarves. Heather decided that if Mom wears one so will we. We have always been a good team so why stop now... It was really a great day!!!!

Jessie

Routine

I'm really developing quite a little routine. I work out in the morning, go to work, call and check on mom at noon and run errands then. I finish out the afternoon at work. Run by my house to grab the mail and check email then hit mom's house by 5:45. I hang out there, eat dinner and stay till mom goes to bed. Then I come back here, do a load of laundry or some other household crap, post on both websites, work out again, make my lunch for the next day and go to bed.

It seems to be working so far. I'm missing the homework a little bit. I'm not used to not having it... But other than that it's all good. I like the evenings with mom. I feel like I can help out a little bit there. Betty and Shirley take care of her all day so it's nice to help. Even if she is sleeping there are always dishes and laundry and med figuring or something to do. And I get to see her when she is awake which makes EVERYTHING worth it. I just adore her.

She is thinking about selling her house in the country and getting a place in town. I said she could come live here but she wants to buy a place that is big enough for everyone that is staying with her. She has asked me if I want to sell my house and come live with her at the new place and then after she passes away it could be a home big enough for me and Heather. It's something to consider. It seems foolish to keep trying to take care of two households. I'm not at my place much... It will all just depend on how big of a place she can get. I don't want her to feel smothered. It's so hard to make decisions when her time is so uncertain. I just hate this!

I'm about to fall asleep typing so I better get to bed.

Jessie

Good Days

Oh my gosh it was a GOOD DAY!!!! First I actually got stuff done at work! I really worked at the office. Amazing I know. I've been so scatter brained lately that it's hard to focus on stuff. But today I wrote court reports and scheduled appointments and actually did my job. It really made me feel good to be productive again.

Also Darby started back at the office as a paid employee this week. She is working as an administrative assistant. It's only 20 hours a week but she is there! You have no idea how okay that makes me. When she is with me I feel like I can handle anything. It may not be pretty but I can do it with her. I guess that's when you know you have the best friend in the world. Crystal's last day as case manager is on March 17th. So I'm hoping that after she goes Darby can have her desk back in our office. Then it would be like old times. I might get so excited about that I would pee my pants but I'll try to hold off.

And then most importantly my evening was spent with my mom! She was cracking me up this evening. She still slept a lot but when she was awake she was funny. We laughed so much. She thinks that all of us taking care of her are crazy! In fact I'm kinda shocked that a doctor gave us responsibility for her care. I actually tried to put the crackers in the fridge tonight! Sometimes caretakers get tired. Mom thinks we do stupid things to make her laugh but really we are just stupid sometimes.

I'm just really going to appreciate each day with her. It easy to look at this like she is dying. However she really is living. Until the day she dies she is living. And I want it to be a life for her. Not a serious sick fest. I want us to laugh and try to have as good a time as possible. I just want her to be as happy as possible for as long as she can. And I'm gonna try to just enjoy each day and look at it as a blessing.

So good day and good night folks

Jessie

Home at last

My mom is finally home! Thank God! I was really really missing her. I just needed to see her. And I did and she looks tired and she looks like she doesn't feel good but she still looks like my mom. I love her so much. It's amazing how just seeing her calms me. She makes it all okay.

Today is Heather's birthday. So Happy Birthday Heather. She is 19 which amazes me! It doesn't seem possible. She received flowers from my mom's best friend Doreen which was very nice! From the way she described them it sounds like a beautiful arrangement. She also got quite a few cards. So it wasn't to crappy of a day for her. I was worried about that. But it was "okay".

I'm gonna go to bed soon. I want to get up early in the morning to work out so I don't have to do it after work. So that's my plan.

Night all

Jessie

No Show

Mom couldn't come home today. She was too sick. Hopefully tomorrow. I miss her and need her home....

Post It

Things have been serious in our world lately. Which makes us really enjoy the funny little things! We got such a good laugh out of the above post-it note. This note was placed on a casserole that the church ladies so kindly brought us. Church lady food is the best. And they must have known that we have become complete idiots due to the stress. Seriously it is a good thing they instructed us to REMOVE THE COVER prior to baking. We have done stranger things in the past couple weeks. Cooking a plastic cover would not be out of our range of weird possibilites....

Cake and Crazy

Heather and I had her birthday cake! Not all of it. Just a piece. It was pretty dang yummy. Strawberry with Cream Cheese Frosting. She really likes that kind. We also had lunch with Shirley and Adair and Heather's best friend Jenna. It was a good time.

Roy came by and brought her a birthday card, flowers, and took her truck to wash it for her. It was very nice of him. He is being very good to us. And not good in the creepy pity us type way. Just good and nice and with no expectations.

I'm gonna read tonight. I got this cool new book called Honeymoon with my Brother. It's supposed to be very funny and good. So I'll keep ya posted on that...

Me

Difficult

I haven't posted here in awhile... It's just very difficult to find words and focus right now. Sitting down and thinking for more than 5 minutes at a time is quite an accomplishment for me. My mind races constantly but I can't seem to lock myself into even a brief moment where something makes sense. I guess this is called grief. I don't want it....

My mom has started chemo. She is still in Chicago. I wish I could say I've talked to her more but I haven't. She has been sick and resting and that means she is hard to reach. I miss her. I'm not used to being away from her for very long. And that scares me. I already miss her and it hasn't been a week. How will I ever live without her?

I've made the decision to take a leave of absence from school. Seems like the most appropriate decision. If I miss one more class they drop me and that would be bad. At least this way I can go back later and I will go back. It's just to much now. Being at the hospital for my internship was harder than I thought it would be. Sick and dying in mass quantities is just to disturbing. So by withdrawing I won't have to go there either. Just 40 hours a week at my regular job and then time with my mom. That's my plan.

Heather is here this weekend. We had some good moments yesterday. Being with her makes this easier to bear. She is the only person that really understands. She and I have the same disturbing thoughts and the same fears. She also can make me laugh when I don't want to. And we laugh a lot together. I need her like I need air anymore.

Grandma and Grandpa and my Aunt Phyllis came and took us to dinner last night. It was good they did that. Heather and I have a hard time going out. You see so many people and they ask questions and we get upset so we just stay home. When people come get us and take us it's not so hard. And we always end up having a good time.

Today Aunt Adair and Aunt Shirley are coming to take us to lunch for Heather's birthday. It isn't until Tuesday but we are celebrating early. I'm making her a cake now. We can have some of it and then she can take the rest back to share with her roomates. We are gonna have another b-day party for her next weekend when mom is home.

Better go the cake is almost done...

Jessie

Urgh

What a day at work. Had a crazy crazy court hearing with my crazy psycho family. I've never been so incredibly hated by a client before in my life. Like they seriously hate me, wish I was dead, would probably kill me themselves if they had the chance kind of hate. The kind of hate that scares me a little bit and makes me wish I had a huge husband and a lot of guns! Well maybe even one really efficient gun would work. So that just made for a lovely afternoon in my world.

My mom was doing okay tonight. Very tired so she didn't talk long. I don't like not being there with her. I so want to quit work, quit school and go to her. The fact that I'm working with some of the worst parents in the world and that is interfering with my time with my mom ticks me off! Why couldn't the world's worst mom get pancreatic cancer? Why did it have to be my mom who is really good.... The world is kind of mean sometimes.

I so wanted to watch ER tonight. It was going to be my award for working out. That was my plan. Do homework, eat dinner, do dishes, take a shower and reward me with ER. But no those stupid Olympics were on instead! No they aren't stupid. In fact I watched some bobsledding the other night and it was kinda cool. Pretty dang impressive actually that someone will get in that little sled and throw themselves down a slope of ice! What has to be wrong with a person to make them think that is a good idea?

Okay going to water my thirsty plants now...

Jessie

Look Both Ways

Today I went to work and checked my email. Usually I have emails about clients, trainings, some weird forwards, and maybe some email from my admirer. Yes lots of emails from my admirer. :-) Well today I got the funniest email I have ever received in my life! I received an email from one of the top guys at our agency. And it was a very serious email about how to appropriately cross the street! Yes that's what I said!!!

I guess some woman in our Topeka office got hit by a truck crossing the street to her office. She is fine but "shaken". No crap she is "shaken" the dummy walked in front of a TRUCK! I'd be shaken too. I'd be shaking my head at the stupidity of such a thing. But seriously his email talked about blind spots and looking both ways and which direction to cross from. Oh my lord I laughed so loud! The fact that he actually sent an email to a bunch of professionals about killed me. If I was the one that got hit by a truck I would just quit! I would quit out of sheer embarrassment. I'm not playing!

Jessie

So Lonely

Where did all the people go? I just realized this is the first night I'm really alone in a very long time. Heather is back at school. Mom is in Chicago and all the rest of the family returned to their homes. I'm a little bit lonely. Didn't know that would be possible but I am.

Mom handled the flying situation well. No major problems and no puking in the little bag. But the neatest thing is that they picked her up in a LIMO! How cool is that. Who would think that her first Limo ride would be to the cancer hospital. That part sucks but hey a limo ride is a limo ride. Country girls don't have that happen to often!

I watched American Idol tonight and that cowboy group was killing me. They were to odd for me. And the brothers on there both need to go. It's annoying me. I do like that little gal Paris. Her voice is very different. I'm not sure if I'm gonna like this season to much. I haven't really gotten to excited about any of the contestants yet. We will just have to wait and see I suppose.

Homework Calling
Jessie

Routine

Well I attempted to return to my regular routine today. I went into the office and actually worked. I only cried once when explaining things to everyone and other than that I held it together. I actually got work done! Amazing I know. My Dad came by to check on me at about 11:30. I think he was shocked I was still there and doing okay. Everyone at the office was wonderful so he shouldn't have been to shocked. Crystal got me a card that was just perfect. I wanted to whack her in the head because it was a little to thoughtful and kind and made me about cry after I had calmed down... Damn those nice people!

I did leave around 2:30 so I could come and tell Dad and Cricket good-bye. They are heading back to Baton Rouge now. I'm gonna miss them. I'm so very grateful they came here. They were so helpful and supportive and it was nice just to have people around that love us and have no expectations. If I was okay fine and if I was a mess fine. Cricket even did all my laundry before she left! And Dad fixed my doors so they would latch right and fixed an electrical problem in my bathroom. I'm a horrible hostess making them work like that but I sure loved having them here... Kinda spoiled me a bit.

I even went to class tonight and it sucked! I had a hard time staying focused and I didn't want to be there but it was research so that isn't hard to believe.

Jessie

Whirlwind

Okay the wind is the devil! My hair was all cute today and the wind was crazy crazy bad out at my mom's today and ruined it. It was so windy you could hear it howl INSIDE her house. And she doesn't live in a little hut, it's a big house! It was crazy. On her back porch there was a little tornado of leaves because the wind kinda caught there. We all just marveled all day about how pretty it looked outside but it was all a mean trick. It looked beautiful and then you walked out there and it was so freaking cold and windy. It's just not right. You'd think it was winter or something.... We have been so spoiled with nice weather that we haven't adjusted I guess.

Mom was hurting pretty bad this morning so once her pain subsided she was beat and slept until three. We all got a good laugh because about 2:00 after she had been sleeping a couple hours I went and peeked in the door to make sure she was breathing. And she was and we all laughed at me. I know now why mom's check their babies when they sleep to long. It makes ya a little nervous or something.

Once she woke up she was great. No pain in the afternoon and she seemed so much more with it. I think the rest did her a lot of good. She cracks me up. Sometimes she says the funniest things! She was sewing a pair of pants and dropped the needle on the floor. So she starts looking for it and says "There's nothing worse than looking for a needle." Then she kinda chuckles and says "Well I guess there is." I thought Heather and I were gonna pee our pants laughing so hard. It was just DAMN FUNNY!!!! We are realizing that you just have to laugh as much as possible when the opportunity presents itself.

Heather was gonna go back to school today and just couldn't do it. So she is gonna stay home until mom goes to Chicago on Tuesday. It's just to hard to leave. I think she made a good decision to just wait. Her instructors are being amazing! I should be going to her school!!!!

Heather and I started a website for mom, just for updates about her health status. So if ya wanna get to it go to www.caringbridge.org click on visit, enter her name and the password is Miracles.

That's what I know!
Jessie

Us Today

This is Heather, Mom and I today. We took a bunch of pictures so we can make her a photo album to take with her to Chicago. If we can't be with her the whole time she is getting her treatments at least she can have pictures of us....

Today

It's been an odd day. It started out good. I went to water aerobics this morning and then stayed for lap swim after that. I think the swimming is a good plan for me to keep doing. You can cry in the pool and no one notices. That's a good thing lately.

This afternoon Heather and I had a long talk. Not an easy discussion but one we needed to have. We feel like we are betraying mom to talk about the what-if's because she is so optimistic. But I think we also need to be realistic and Heather and I needed to discuss what we were thinking and feeling. At least we were able to get it out there on the table. We aren't stupid. We have read every single bit of information we can find about pancreatic cancer and it's not good. We have to be prepared. You can still be optimistic and be informed. However, it's a hard dance we do.

Tonight we all went to church together. Shawn and Amanda even went. It was nice to all sit in a pew together and no one got in trouble. :-) Tommorow I'm of course hanging with my mom. I'm hoping we can snag a little alone time together. It's hard with so many people around but yesterday I went with her when she went to lay down and we just laid on her bed and talked. Not really about anything in particular just had some time together. That's become important to me. Those nap times.

I don't know why God has given this to us. But I know there is a reason. I keep thinking I'm so grateful it's us and not some of my other family members. My cousins Sara and Todd are only children and I can't imagine what that would be like. At least Heather and I have one another to lean on and that makes it easier. Someone told me today that they are praying for a miracle and I just want to scream at them that this may already be the miracle. It's miraculous that we have TIME! Time is a luxury that many people do not have. My mom could have died in a car wreck and been gone instantly. But we still have time. We are already blessed.

Over and Out
Jessie

Taxes

How in the world did I forget this! I got my taxes done today and I'm actually getting 1900 bucks back!!! Yippeeeee There was no crying at H&R Block this year like there was last year. That's so awesome!

Good Things

Well I'm only posting good things today.... So here they are...

1. My Dad and Cricket are here! It's been good to have them around.

2. I actually completed two online quizzes for my Research class. I didn't think I'd ever be able to focus again and I could for a whole 40 minute period.

3. The church ladies brought a TON of food to my mom's house today.

4. I only cried two times today! Big improvement.

5. We laughed some today.

6. It's almost bedtime

7. My mom got confirmation on her appointment. She leaves Tuesday for Chicago and has her first appointment on Wednesday.

8. My cell phone did not have to be charged in the middle of the day today.

So that's what I know. Signing off to go to bed early tonight!

Jessie

Let's Ride

Well the roller coaster ride has begun. Today we found out that our insurance company doesn't cover the Cancer Center of America Tulsa location. However, they will pay for Chicago. It's further away but we still have family there so Chicago it is! Crazy crazy!

It seems like every small hurdle is a mountain lately. I think being so tired and worked up just fuels it. The highs and lows are common I guess but I don't like it...

My Dad and Cricket should be here in a couple hours. I'm ready to see them. Tommorow I'm just gonna hang at mom's house. Doing nothing in particular. Just being there makes me feel better. I don't like being away from her too long. It makes me anxious. The week she is in Chicago will seem very long I'm sure.

My mom has always been terrified of flying. Always insisted she would never ever do it. However, to go to Chicago she has to fly each time. We told her that today and she just said okay. I about died laughing. It's amazing how pancreatic cancer helps you get over your fears... :-) We have to laugh, I think it is all that keeps us going!

Better get for now.
Jessie

Light

This evening was WONDERFUL! My mom is home from the hospital and we had a good time. She was tired and had to rest some but we spent a lot of time talking and laughing and just trying to enjoy a feeling of normalacy. Shawn and Amanda are here and Steve came over too. My aunt Shirley was there and of course Heather. We just felt almost normal tonight. A "new normal" as Oprah and Darby say.

One thing that I'm starting to realize is that we are really blessed. We just have such a huge circle of support. Friends, family, church, and neighbors are just coming out of the woodwork. People have offered financial help, transportation, food and most of all prayers and an ear to listen to us. We are going to be okay!

My mom has made the decision to go to Tulsa to the Cancer Center of America. They are supposed to call back tommorow before noon to let her know for sure if her insurance will cover it. Which if that's where she is supposed to be God will make sure that isn't a problem. Talking to them and reading over the information has given us hope. And that is what we need. I think she has made a good decision for herself. She will be going there at the earliest Monday and the latest on Thursday.

We have lots of family and friends coming in this weekend to spend time with us before we start our new journey. I'm sure it will be a busy overwhelming weekend but we need to see everyone and people need to see mom. I think it's easy to imagine the worst but when you see her she just looks like she did before.

Enough rambling! To bed I go and I'm sleeping tonight I swear!!!

Jessie

Stronger

I'm stronger today. I was a mess this morning but each hour that passes brings more peace. My mom is on her way home! Praise God. I'm looking forward to the afternoon and evening at her house with all of us there. We just need some time to be normal and relax together before the decision making begins.

I worked some this morning but came home after lunch to do a few things before I go to mom's shortly. My Dad is coming tommorow. That is a very good thing!!!

Jessie

Thousands of Tears

I feel like I've cried thousands of tears today. How I can continue to produce them I will never know. It's like I've gone into a depth of pain I could never imagine before. A horrible horrible nightmare that seems never ending...

This morning when I woke up I kept willing myself back to sleep. I just had a feeling that today would be bad. That it would be the day things changed. The drive to the hospital this morning was long. I kept thinking cancer, cancer, cancer. Though everyone else was optimistic. I should have stayed in bed. Maybe then it wouldn't be real.

My mom is so positive right now. She has a grace and a calm that is inspiring. I need to be strong for her. I need to accept this and fight with her. Tommorow I will be stronger I promise!

I think I may take that Family Medical Leave from work. You can take three months in a year. I'm gonna talk to them about that this week sometime. I wouldn't get paid during that but I'm sure my Dad and Cricket would help me. God will provide. I won't go homeless. I just think that may be what I need to do. My Dad is coming here so he can help me decide.

I should try to go to sleep again.

Jessie

Cancer

Oh God I don't want to post this. Writing it makes it too real. My mom has pancreatic cancer. I don't even know how to explain what this is like. I feel like somehow the world has enclosed on us and we just can't get air. I don't think it is real yet and I don't think I can really grasp it all yet...

My mom has always been the funniest toughest lady I know. And to know there is something like this inside her is unreal to me. My mom can fix everything! She is like magic all the time. And this is something she can't fix and that's not okay with us.

We are looking at MD Anderson in Houston and The Cancer Center of America in Tulsa for some more information and help. I swear I would backpack around the world until I found someone that can help her. I've just got to believe that God will guide us to someone that can give us some hope...

I can't write anymore

Jessie

Three of Us

That's my mom and my sister and me at Thanksgiving... I'm hoping she gets better and looks like that again soon! We are starting to miss her being her old self.... The biopsy is today and then results tommorow possibly. I'm taking most of the week off work. Work is the least of my concerns...

Off to the hospital.

Jessie

Mass

Heather and I are home from the hospital for the evening. The doctors have located a mass around my mom's pancreas. I guess it is pressing on her spine and stomach and that it where the pain is coming from. They will attempt to do a needle biopsy tommorow morning. And then I'm sure we will wait for results for several days. Nothing like having time to worry. :-)

We are emotionally exhausted and that is all I know!

Jessie

It's a Miracle

I just got home from work and Heather has completely cleaned my house! She rearranged the kitchen, made some cool artwork and got it in the kitchen, did all my laundry and dusted! I'm keeping her here forever. She is the best little roomate helper a girl could want. I'm just shocked. Now I don't feel so overwhelmed. That kid is amazing!!!

We are going to Topeka to see mom tonight. We are gonna stay overnight and come back tommorow so I'll post then.

Have a good one
Jessie

Hospital Tours

Well I've been in more hospitals in the past week than I ever want to be in. Heather and I just got home from visiting my mom. She is doing soooo much better! Her pain is easing up enough that she has slept and that has made a huge difference. They still haven't determined anything for sure but have made some medication adjustments and will run more tests over the weekend.

Her room is awesome and man was her nurse HOT! His name is Brian and he had a great sense of humor which is good since she likes to joke around. Poor guy got embarassed though because my aunt Adair grabbed his butt. She does that to everyone. I swear she is so inappropriate but can pull it off without getting her ass kicked. She just has this way about her.

The hospital room was packed tonight even though it's a big room. Heather and I were there and then my Aunt Betty showed up, my Uncle Lee and Adair and Uncle Charlie. Not to be confused with the IV stand Charlie. We spent a lot of time laughing and visiting and mom was pretty entertaining. She is funny anyways but put her on pain meds and she turns into a one woman show!

I'm gonna work tommorow and then we will go back up tommorow evening.

Jessie

Top Ten

Okay this is too funny! I just checked my old site at www.hunna.deardiary.net and I'm on the top ten list of most popular sites. How in the hell does that happen! I quit posting there and now it's popular. It's just so funny to me.

Still Waiting

Still waiting on all the test results for my mom so really I don't know much. I didn't sleep well at all last night. Tossed and turned. I think I may have gotten about 2 1/2 hours total. I'm wearing down.

I've got work I have to get done today even though I would rather take a nap. Heather is coming to town and then we are going to Topeka to see mom when I get off work. So that's a good thing.

Better get my stuff done!

Jessie

"If you have much, give of your wealth; if you have little, give of your heart."

--Arabian proverb--

CT Scan

I love this flower pic... It makes me all calm on the inside..

My mom is having a CT Scan done now. That is amazing to me. If she was in our local hospital they would never do a test in the middle of the night. I'm feeling more optimistic already! Hopefully they can find the answer and make it all better. I'm just praying that when they scan her cat they don't find kittens!!! That would cause a whole mess of problems.

Heather and I have talked a record number of times tonight. I think we are at 854 calls now! It's amazing how many times you can talk to the same person and have something new to say. I'm gonna have to change her ring tone now though. It's set to that Reba song Hey Sister but now the words are so stuck in my head it's driving me crazy. I've never heard it so many times in a row.

I'm eating my dinner as I type. Peanuts and an apple. Yes I know it's 10:26 and I'm diabetic and I waited to long to eat and it's not the most healthy. I don't want a lecture. I'm taking care of myself. At least I remembered to feed me and it's protein and some carbs so it's all in balance. Yummy peanuts are my friend!

I got some homework done between calls but still have some to do. Just needed a break. I'm working on my learning contract for my internship and it's driving me nuts. Like big peanuts! Just seems like stupid busy work but ya gotta do it to get a master's degree. So I play the game. I can jump through hoops...

Dinner is gone so I'll sign off now. Back to work I go!!!

Jessie

One Sick Mom

My mom went to the doctor today and he sent her to a hospital in Topeka. She was admitted this evening. I'm glad he referred her on to somewhere bigger and hopefully better. But I'm still a little nervous about her being an hour away. I can't get there quick.

She insisted I not go tonight to see her. Her sister is with her. So Heather and I will go tommorow evening to be with her. I keep telling myself that this means she will get good care and it will make it better. But I'm still struggling. I'm just overwhelmed with so many emotions... God has a plan though. I just have to believe that.

Lots of homework to do and calls to make.

Jessie

New Day Dawns

Morning came way to early this morning... I'm just not feeling it. If I didn't have so much to do I'd stay home sick. But I'm gonna have to do it.

It's groundhog day. That's just fabulous. I've never understood the whole groundhog thing. If weather men can't get it right why would we trust a rodant? Food for thought huh...

Over and Out
Jessie

Mom

Just got home from my mom's house. I went out there about 10. I just had a horrible feeling that she wasn't okay. And I was right. She wasn't. Her pain was out of control. I called the doctor at home and he upped the amount of pain meds she could have. She has another appointment tommorow. He is going to refer her to a specialist. So that is good.

But I'm pretty dang worried. I have been concerned through this whole thing but tonight is the first night that I felt really overwhelmed by it. I just felt a sense of panic driving out there. I trust my gut with things. I figure it's God talking to me and I pay attention. And my gut is saying it's not okay. I don't know how to help her and it scares me!!!

She was doing a little better when I came home. And her sister Shirley is staying the night so she isn't alone. I made her promise to be honest about the pain and if it gets worse we will head back to the hospital. I'm just hoping and praying she can get into the specialist soon...

Jessie

Halfway There

When I'm driving home from class this barn marks the halfway point. I see it and know I'll make it home. It's just my little reminder of being almost there.....

More Drama

Well Monte called me back and left me a not so nice voicemail. Guess he didn't like the fact that I called him on his shit. Be nice to my mom and I'll be nice to you. Cross the line and the gloves come off. I get fierce when it comes to my mama!!! Psycho fierce if necessary!!!

I'm on break between classes so I probably ought to leave my bitching for the time being and focus on something productive.

Peace Out!
Jessie

Drama

My aunt Donna called me last night at 10:15 and told me that my mom was crying and in pain really bad. So I headed out to her place. I just stayed the night there and came back to my place this morning to get ready for work. I think she slept some and she wasn't in pain when I left so that is good.

But I couldn't stop myself. I called Monte and let him know what I think. He got her all worked up yesterday because he got on her about not having the tax paperwork done. She hasn't been out of the hospital that long and doesn't feel good. Leave her alone. So I called him last night and told him that from now on he either need to talk to her lawyer or me but to leave her the hell alone. I used other words I won't type here but it wasn't nice and I shouldn't have done it but I'm sick of the crap...

Gotta go to work

Jessie