Monday, August 21, 2006


Well as you can see my ticker changed! I lost three pounds this week. That is pretty cool. I'm very pleased with that. Maybe all those workouts and all the painting is paying off.

It's been a long couple of days. I'm just so tired. My mom is doing worse today. She was really confused and just seems a bit withdrawn. Hospice seems to think if she keeps on this path she only has about a month left. Each day I think it can't get worse and then it does. What is scary is that the worst is ahead of us. I think today is bad and then in two weeks it will be even worse and I don't know how much more I can take.

I don't know how to explain how tired I am. It's not just like being sleepy. It's not like my muscles are worn out. It's like my heart is tired. It's like every day it gets pushed to the breaking point and shatters more each day and then I spend the whole day trying to wish and pray and think hard enough to rebuild so it can break again the next day. And it's exhausting. It's like someone is sucking all the love and life and laughter out of my very core. Like who I am is disappearing and I don't know if I will find her again. I liked me before and I'm scared I won't ever be me again.

I can't seem to get it together enough to clean my house. And I know to some people a clean house isn't a big deal but to me it is HUGE! If my house is out of order it is a clear indicator that I am out of order. And I sit here and look around and I know how to fix it and pick it up and I just can't do it. It's the one thing I really need to do and I just can't seem to do it. And I don't know why. I start and then stop. I think of something and then forget. I just want to clean my house and I can't even seem to do that...

And I'm covered in paint. I need to go shower and clean up so I can go back to my mom's. I ought to take a nap first but I probably won't. Sleeping doesn't seem to make me untired anymore.


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