Saturday, November 18, 2006

Empty Soul

I miss my mom tonight. I miss my mom every day but tonight I really miss my mom. There is no particular reason, no special occasion or event. Just a typical normal day of wanting my mom. I miss the feeling I had when she was here. Not just having her but how I was when she was in the world... Like I had meaning and reason and purpose.

I always knew that I was meant to be hers. God picked her for me and me for her and planned for us to be together. I could have had another mom. I was born to a different person. But God meant for me to be hers. So I came to her and became hers and it was right. It was the only thing that was right.

I grew up knowing that if I was never meant to do anything else it was to be her daughter. I could fail at anything but that would be my one success. I would be hers. Just my being was enough for her. I didn't have to do anything particularly great or bold. I didn't have to be the prettiest, the smartest, the most creative. I didn't even have to be funny. I just had to get up each day and find her and it was enough.

She would be mine. It could have been someone else but it wasn't. She was the one the only... mine. Purely and simply my beautiful mom. She would know me like no one else. She knew my soul and my being. I know she memorized me. She knew my sound and smell and secrets. I know when I was a baby she memorized me like I memorized her as she was dying. When you love someone that much they become you, you just etch every part of them into your core and you don't let it go... a forever memory.

And now without her I don't know who I am. When your anchor disappears the sea gets rough. I push forward because I should; I breathe because I must. But my heart aches and my soul cries. I try to find another meaning. There isn't one really. I was meant to be hers.

Now instead of tending her garden I tend her memory. I promise her each day when I wake that she will not be forgotten. I talk about her every chance I get. I don't want anyone to forget her. I go to the cemetery and check the grave. I know she is not there but that is one way she is remembered. When people go there I don't want them to see an unkempt grave. I want to care for her still.

She was my very best friend. It has been 76 days since I've talked to her now. 76 days since I saw her. Before now I'd never gone more than 7 days without seeing her or 2 days without talking to her. This is torture, pure and simple. She got heaven... I'm stuck in hell. I would sell what is left of my empty soul for a moment in time with her. One brief moment to hear her laugh...

76 days, 1824 hours, 109,440 minutes, 1 broken heart....

5 comments:

Chelle & Chel said...

Sorry about your mom. That is really rough. I don't look forward in the least to the day I realize my mom will no longer be with me. I know I need to enjoy her more while she's here.

-Chel

jcritorto said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jcritorto said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jcritorto said...

Hello my name is Joseph C Ritorto, I just wanted to take the time to thank you for the compliment on the photo you liked. This really is secondary ( The Photo ) after reading of your mother, just wanted to say the people, I have lost from this physical world has left me with an unbelievable heavy feeling , not a day goes by with out the thought of them although I don’t feel as heavy as time passes. I think of them and the things they taught me. We all affect one another as a whole.
Ciao, jcritorto III live love and love what you do

jcritorto said...

Hello my name is Joseph C Ritorto, I just wanted to take the time to thank you for the compliment on the photo you liked. This really is secondary ( The Photo ) after reading of your mother, just wanted to say the people, I have lost from this physical world has left me with an unbelievable heavy feeling , not a day goes by with out the thought of them although I don’t feel as heavy I think of them and the things they taught me. We all affect one another as a whole.
Ciao, jcritorto III live love and love what you do