I spend a great deal of time praying for a baby. In fact it's what I pray for the most. I probably say that prayer about 20 times a day. God please bring me a baby. God please let me have a baby. God please please please. I don't even know if it's a prayer anymore as much as it is pleading, begging, desperation. But something happened today and my perspective changed a bit.
Today I was supposed to meet Miss S for lunch and to visit. But even though I was doing that the plan was to stay unattached, uninvolved. I wasn't going to sonograms or the birth or any other stuff this time. I was going to protect my heart. In fact as I was driving to meet her I was praying. I prayed that God would help me to express myself, that he would help me show her I would be a good mother, that he would bless me with her baby, my baby, our baby. But most of all I prayed that he would protect my heart. That he wouldn't let me get attached.
But something went wrong. Maybe I didn't pray hard enough or loud enough or fold my hands tight enough because the next thing I knew I was arriving at a hospital with a very pregnant, very sick Miss S. Her blood pressure was really high, 170/120 and she was feeling miserable and scared. And she didn't want to be alone of course so I stayed because it was the right thing to do. And I prayed that God would keep her safe and would protect my heart.
And before I knew it there was a baby girl on a tv monitor and she was kicking and her heart beat was racing and she looked small yet perfect. All 4 1/2 pounds of perfect beautiful baby and my heart was unprotected and I prayed again that God would make sure she was okay and that Miss S was okay.
The doctor admitted Miss S. I stayed till her family could come. I hung out with her all afternoon and we laughed and talked. We had a good time, minus the beeping blood pressure machine, blood draws, and me tripping over a chair. We talked about what adoption meant to us and what we wanted the future to be like. And before I knew it I felt like she was my friend and I didn't care about my heart. I cared about her and her being safe and it hit me.... This isn't just about me. This adoption and these prayers aren't about me...
It's really about a complete coming together. It's about complete trust and faith in one another and in God. She has to trust me to care for her and for this baby girl. She has to know I won't jump ship when it gets hard and she has to know that I will be true to my word. And it's about me trusting her enough to let her in. It's about trusting God to not lead me into something I can't handle. While the other failed adoptions have been horrible, I've gotten through them. While my heart hurt he protected just enough to help me push forward and not give up. He did it before and he will do it again. I have to have that faith.
So my prayer is changing. Instead of praying for just a baby I'm going to pray that God leads me to the baby that he has planned for me. And instead of praying that he protects my heart I'm going to pray that he lets my heart open to this whole process. I'm going to pray that he lets me come together with the right expectant mom and that he guides me in that relationship of trust and faith.