Struggle

Well I've been struggling a little bit okay a whole lot with some things. I'm really missing my mom for one. It doesn't get easier as the days go by. In fact each day gets a little harder to move forward without her. I'm doing it but I'm not liking it and I'm just so lonely without her. So that's hard obviously. If it was easy it wouldn't be called loss and grief now would it.

One thing that I think is making it harder is something my pastor said. I had always believed prior to my mom getting sick that even when people died they stayed with us somehow. I believe in angels or spirits or ghosts or whatever you want to call it. I felt like heaven was a place but that they could still get to us spiritually or emotionally even if not physically.

Well when my mom started realizing she was dying she asked our pastor to tell her about heaven. He described it as a place filled with joy. He said that there is singing and light and beauty and that there is no time. He said that we would just spend eternity praising God. Well that sounds good to me. But then he said that there is no concern for earthly matters. Well in theory that sounds great. No bills, no pressure, no job, etc.

But in this moment that feels to me like I'm a wordly matter and my mom no longer is concerned about me. For someone that is already feeling alone that statement is haunting. I know I could just call him and talk to him and he would say that she is with me. But I can't help but think he would say that to appease me and that really she is praising God and has forgotten about me. Just typing that makes me bawl. How lame is that. But my entire day is fixated around her even now. She is my first thought and my last thought each day. And about a million thoughts in between. So the idea that she can't think of me is wrong.

But it makes sense at the same time. If she thought of us kids and realized she was away from us she would be sad. She loved us a lot and never liked to be away from us. So if we weren't with her she would be very sad and anxious. Not joyful . And if heaven is filled with joy how could she miss us. That wouldn't be joyful. So she must not notice we aren't with her. That breaks my heart.

So I'm struggling with all this and I've not really talked to anyone about it. I know people are sick of hearing about it. People think I should be "over it". So I don't say anything very often. So today I meet with someone. A person that doesn't know me real well. And they say they have something they need to talk to me about. They say that they can see my mom's presence around me. They say that she is saying things but I don't hear them. I about fall over. WHAT?

So basically they scribbled down what they said my mom was trying to tell me. I don't know if I believe it yet as I'm still kinda in shock. But this is my list.

No pain
I see more and know you will be okay you just don't see it yet
Love is large
Weather is the biggest support
Not alone
You have to be open and ask
The bedroom is better this way

Okay after going over and over the list I've kinda pieced a few things together. Some of the stuff there is no way this person would know! No pain is obvious to me meaning she isn't in pain. The second one I'm not to shocked by as I constantly doubt if I will be okay without her. The love is large has to be for real. My mom wrote me a note a couple days before she died and it said love is large. The person telling me this does not know that. Weather I believe was supposed to be Heather. I don't know about the not alone and being open and asking. Maybe that is just trusting that she is here with me and being open to that. And the bedroom thing has to be for real too. He didn't know about my bedroom dilemma. I have a hard time with the bedroom. My mom died in what is now my bedroom and my bed. I have moved the bedroom furniture around and I sleep better but wasn't sure about the arrangement. So I'm guessing she is good with it.

So that's my struggle. Now I just don't know what to think. I'm really floored and overwhelmed and weirded out by all this. Thoughts?

Jessie