Thursday, December 14, 2006


I've never felt quite so alone in my entire life. There are a lot of people I could call. In fact I just got off the phone with Heather. But I want my mom. And I don't want to talk to anyone about wanting my mom. Writing it is different than saying it. If feels so lame to say I want my mom. But it is a want like no other. I would sell my soul this very moment to touch her and hear her.

When I laid down tonight to go to bed I started to say my prayers. I always pray that God will tell my mom hi and that I love her and miss her. I've prayed that since the day she died. Well tonight without thinking I prayed that she would come home soon. And then I started bawling. She will never come home again. No matter how much I try to convince myself that she is just on a trip she isn't. She is not coming home. I can't seem to wrap my mind around that. Every time I realize it it is worse. This isn't getting easier to deal with like everyone said it would. Each day gets harder.

So now that I've quit crying and I've taken my happy pills I'm gonna try to go back to bed. We will see if it works....



Carolyn said...

Oh wow, Jessie, I don't know you, but I just want to hug you (please don't delete just on:) ... I followed a link -- the PPP forum ---> ---> to you. His link to you caught my interest because he said you were from Kansas. Me too. And then I read this entry "Alone". It hit home for me because I am struggling today of all days for you to write this. Today of all days for me to read it. 3 years ago -- TODAY -- my mom passed away. We were 2 peas in a pod. Very Very close. Her death was total unexpected, and it devasted me. So, I know how you feel today.

Thank you for sharing.

Carolyn said...

I looked for an email address, and tried to leave a comment at your weight loss blog, but Blogger wouldn't let me do it, plus, you don't have the options to chose "other" with identities there. So:) I'll just comment here again. (My comment there was that I was reading, and I would do whatever you wanted me to do to help you along your WL journey).

To answer YOUR question at my blog:) -- I've lost 57 lbs since September, through Dr. Tague. Several years ago, I went through him and lost 75 lbs from April to August. BUT -- the biggest difference is the first time, I was on the most extreme plan, and did nothing but their supplements. Now I am dealing with health issues (my heart is out of rhythm), and he woudlnt' put me on the most extreme plan. That turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I do their supplements, but I also have to do "real" food with it -- 2 fruits, 2 cups of vegetables, and 8 oz of a protein source). I have no doubt that I will go all the way this time, because the major pitfall last time was, when my mom had her first heart attack, I didn't grab my supplements in the rush to get to the hospital, so ended up eating real food for the first time in 4 months. And that was pretty much the beginning of the end. This time, I get to eat right along with everyone else, just smaller portions, and wiser choices, and its working!

Do you live close enough to Topeka to see him? Its expensive, but sooo worth it. You did an entry at another blog of yours about the Biggest Loser finale. THAT is the category I am in. Its still going to take me awhile, but I'm going all. the. way!!! Look in my sidebar, I have a WL blog called "on my weigh" -- and I give a summary of what his plan is, if you are interested.

LaDonna said...

As a fellow PPPer, I would love to come read your blog, but I refuse to come to sites that autoplay music. I know I'm not the only that find that a real turn-off. It is your site and you can do whatever you wish, but I thought you'd like to know.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jessie,
I am so sorry that you had a bad day! Your heartfelt words always make me cry, but that's ok. There is no doubt in my mind that you are helping so many people who may be suffering through their own grief right now.
Be good to yourself and rest as much as you can. It takes a lot of energy to get through what you're dealing with. You are doing a tremendous job!
Hugs to you!
Holley in San Antonio