Back to Work

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I'm just really dreading it. It's such a hard thing for me to do. I tried to really enjoy today. Heather and I went to the pool all afternoon and I was able to relax and read. However, as soon as I got home I started getting worked up about going back. I just so don't want to do it.

I just have such a hard time at work anymore. All day that I'm there I just think why am I wasting my time here when I could be with my mom. I don't know how much time I have with her and I don't want to waste any of it. It's time that I will never get back.

And honestly I'm resentful of my clients now. I try hard not to be but I can't help it. My mom is a great mom and a good person and I don't know why she had to get pancreatic cancer. There are so many shitty mother's out there. In fact I have a whole case load of them at work. And all I can think is I'm spending time away from my good mom helping shitty mom's get their kids back. It's just not right. It just pisses me off. And I just hate it anymore.

But I'm going tomorrow. I don't know how it will go and I have a feeling it will involve crying but I'm doing it. It was hard to go back right after she was diagnosed and I did it so I'm hoping I can do it again. I just have to keep telling myself that it will be okay... Somehow I will start believing it.

Jessie

Well Rested

Mom's move is over. We got all the moving done on Saturday. All of the major things were unpacked and put away. In fact the Dining Room was almost completely decorated by the end of the day. And the kitchen was complete. Heather and I worked on the living room yesterday. The house looks very good. And mom loves it so that makes it all okay. It was so worth the hard work to have her be happy there!

Yesterday we hung out at mom's for a bit working on some things. Then Dad, Cricket and I all took a nap in the afternoon at my place. We were pretty sleepy and worn out. Heather came over in the evening and we watched the Miss Universe pageant and ate pizza. The girl we liked didn't win but it was okay. The winner was not a bad pick. What's funny is I just read a news story that she passed out about 40 minutes after the show ended. Guess the girl got to excited about having a crown...

I went to bed about midnight but now I'm wide awake. I think the nap threw me off. So Lena and I are chilling. I don't have to work tomorrow so I'm going to breakfast with Dad and Cricket before they head back to New Orleans. I'm going to mom's for a bit after that but I really want to hit the pool for awhile. I used all my vacation time up at work to paint and clean so I really want at least one relaxing day before I go back there. I was just going to take FMLA but hospice said to wait a bit so I have no choice but to go back. So the pool and a good book is the plan to try to make my return less traumatic.

Maybe I will try to go back to sleep.

Jess

Sick Puppy

Lena is one sick puppy. She has a fever and she is hacking and sneezing and wheezing. No fun. She also has the poopies. Hopefully she will feel better tomorrow. I really don't want to try to take her to the vet in the middle of the moving. That would be a bit chaotic. But then what's new. :-)

I'm heading to bed so I can get up at the butt crack of dawn to help move. Fun times.

Jessie

Time Flies

So it's been a long time. I know. I'm sorry bout ya! I've been a super busy crazy working girl.

My mom's house is done! Like carpet is in and paint is dry done!!! I just have to sweep and mop and it will be a home. I'm happy about that!

My mom is out of the hospital. She is hydrated and her pain is under control. We more under control than out of control. It is better. I'm happy about that too!

My dad and cricket are here. Heather and I were supposed to go to Texas this week but we canceled due to my mom being sicker and the house needing to be done. So they got on a plane and came to see us. I'm happy about that three.

I hung out with Stinna, Bel and Jorgen a bit today. Stinna and Bel helped clean at my mom's place. Jorgen slept and let me hold him and spit up on me. He is little and cute. Bel is big and cute. And Stinna looks like she has never had a baby before. How that happens for some people I will never know.

Lena is doing this weird snorting sneezing coughing thing. It sounds like she has allergies. It's very odd. I don't know about that dog.

I saw two guys walking down commercial street holding hands tonight.

I saw mom's new neighbor beating the hell out of her kid in her front yard and had to call the cops on her. Good times.

I have decided that I never want to build a home or extensively remodel one again in my lifetime. It's a pain in my kiester.

I've decided that people that hang wallpaper on sheetrock without sizing it should be stoned to death.

I have decided that moving when you have cancer makes moving way harder. I wouldn't recommend it.

I've decided that having your mom move while she has cancer about pushes a girl right over the edge. I wouldn't recommend it.

I'm sleeping in my spare bedroom tonight. It's the little bed that has the lump that makes you about fall out. I don't like it but I like having my Dad and Cricket here so I am sacrificing. I'm nice like that.

I don't like that it is super hot in Kansas right now. Like hotter than Africa kind of heat.

I think I waited to long to post.

I think I'm to tired to post tonight.

I think I'm going to bed in the lumpy little bed now with a sneezing, coughing, hacking puppy.

Night folks!

Jessie

Bad Day

Bad Day! Much Crying! Can't type!!!

Jess

Pain

Oh my God I hurt so bad. Pain like I can't describe! I think the last time I hurt this bad was about two years ago when I was remodeling my house before I moved in it! 13 hours today at mom's house!!! That's a long day. I spent 11 there yesterday. At least today I can see progress. We have every room primed. Tomorrow is the big color day! Hopefully we will be able to get color on most of the rooms. Heck I would be happy if we could get the dining room, kitchen, hallway, and spare bedroom done. That would be awesome!!! Don't know if that will happen but it would make me a very happy girl.

It may take a crane to get me out of bed in the morning.

Jessie

Ugh

Mom got closed on her house. So I took the day off to clean and try to get things done there. I've been striping wallpaper for the past 5 hours. Fun times. I swear people should not be allowed to use so much wallpaper. It's ridiculous! I came home to let Lena out and grab a snack. Then I'm back at it.

Jessie

What a Day

This has been such a crazy messy day. Took Lena to the vet this morning then went to work for a bit before my Dr appointment. My appointment ended up taking a hour and twenty minutes. My blood pressure was too high what a shocker. My blood sugar is too high again a shocker and my pulse was racing. My diagnosis is stress. I'm so glad I spent that much money to have them tell me something I already know. I about passed out when they took blood and thought I was gonna have a panic attack when they were talking to me about my mom. Someone said if it was their mom they wouldn't leave town. I'm supposed to go to Texas next week. So not a good morning. I ended up talking to the Hospice nurse later in the day and she said I'd probably be fine to go to Texas. That made me feel better but I keep thinking "probably" it just makes me nervous.

So I go back to the office and I'm not there very long and get word that my mom isn't doing good. So I talk my way out of the court hearings I'm supposed to go to and head to her house. Hospice was there and she was in a ton of pain. They finally got that somewhat under control so that is good but it just scared me. I hate seeing her in pain and I hate that feeling in my gut that says that something bad is just about to happen. It breaks my heart.

Once mom is okay I get a call from Darby that her mom Donna fell at our office and had to be taken to the ER. So since mom was okay I went there. Doesn't god know we can't take much more. Like Darby and I aren't on the edge. Both mom's can't be sick at the same time!!!! We just can't have that. So we finally get to see poor pretty Donna and her face is just crunched up. She broke her nose and put a tooth through her lip and has a knot on her head. She looked a lot better than what I was expecting but she looks so hurt. I just feel so bad for her. She has had so many back surgeries so I'm really worried that she screwed her back up again. I used to call her Donna Broken Back but now she is Donna Broken Nose. Poor girl!

I go pick up Lena and just about cried. I'd been crying off and on anyway. But she looks so ridiculous. Her hair was supposed to be short on top and a long beard and legs. But it's bald on top!!! She was freaking out. She keeps covering her head. I hate it. I keep praying it will grow fast. She is just a mess tonight.

Get home from that and Aunt Donna calls me. For some reason the money from Monte didn't show today so now the closing might not happen tomorrow. Seriously I walked in the bathroom and puked my guts up! I can't take ANYMORE!!! I'm so done today. One more bad news thing and I think I would just keel over. No more bad news!!! So now I'm sitting her typing and shaking because I'm so frustrated. I will never sleep tonight. Even with happy pills.

Over and Out

Jessie

Busy Day

I've got a busy day ahead of me. I'm glad I got up early so I had a little time this morning to post. Lena Lou gets her hair cut and the last of her shots today. I'm sure tonight she will be real pretty but pretty grumpy. She doesn't like all the other dogs at the vet so I'm thinking by the time I pick her up after work she will be very unhappy.

I have a doctors appointment this morning to see about my blood sugar. I don't know what they will want to do but I thought I should at least have it checked out. Then I have CRB hearings all afternoon. Fun times! Could I cram more crappy things into one day.

We all met with Hospice last night about my mom. She agreed to let them start working with her. I think it's a good thing. They can help her so much more with pain management. It was a hard decision for her but I think it was the best one.

Better get going

Jessie

Walking Wonders

Darby and I went walking tonight. We have decided we are doing it every night at 9:00. That way it's starting to cool off and it's starting to get dark. Hopefully it will help us sleep better. And hopefully it will help my blood sugar level out again a bit. I'm having a hard time keeping it okay. Some of it is stress, some of it is not enough exercise and some of it is eating crap to often! Basically I need to take better care of me. What a shocker!!!

I was surprised how quickly the time went. My calf hurt a little bit but my bad ankle didn't. I haven't really worked out since I jacked up my ankle so I thought it might hurt but it didn't... That is a good thing! It was nice to just walk and talk and chill out a bit. I'm so stressed lately that I need that time. I just love my Darbis! Who could ever ask for a better friend?

Miss Lena needs some lovin so I better get off of here and pay attention to her before she chews my foot off.

Jessie

Random Thoughts

Okay just some random thoughts...

1. The whole space shuttle thing. They sent another one off to space. Yes I'm annoyed by this. Why do they keep shipping people off to space? The shuttles blow up and catch fire and get hit by birds and have cracks in the wings and foam falling off. Doesn't seem like such a good plan to me... And it costs a whole lotta money. Money that could be spent on much better things. Things on earth, like people, and cures for cancer, and food for the hungry. What an idea take care of things on earth before you go to space... I could be a rocket scientist I'm so smart!!!

2. Brittney Spears... I know I swore I wouldn't talk about her. I didn't type a thing when she drove around with her kid on her lap or when she about dropped him. And I didn't say a thing when she did the dateline special and looked like crap. But I have to say something about the naked pregnant magazine layout. IT IS HOT! Seriously I love naked pregnant lady pictures. In fact as most of you know I do black and white pics for my pregnant naked friends. It's just a little gift that I give. I've got some good pics but Brittney's were way HOT. Like she should only be allowed to be pregnant, naked and silent for the rest of her life. No talking, no bad parenting, no gum chewing, no air quotes, just pregnant naked and still. I was impressed!

3. XM Radio... It's the bomb. I have it now. I'm cool like that. I just sit in my car all day listening to it. I only get out of the car to pee and sometimes I don't even do that... :-) I love it! You should get it!!! Everyone should have XM. Where else can you listen to a rap song, two country songs, hear a snippet of Jerry Sienfield and get the news all in a 10 minute period! NO COMMERCIALS! Just FUN! Go buy it!!!!

4. Wal-Mart.... It's still the devil but worse. They are remodeling our Wal-Mart now. I HATE it. I went there to get dog food. It's always in the aisle after cosmetics. It wasn't there. I asked the little people with the blue vests. You know the ones that say "Can I help you?" on the back. They work there, they should help me. They didn't. They sent me all over the place. I never found the dog food. I abandoned my cart and left. A friend told me later they they found it in the lawn and garden section. That makes sense. So often when I'm planting flowers and mowing my yard I need dog food! Wal-Mart SUCKS!!!

Just a few things I know...

Over and Out

Jessie

Cute Pics

Jorgen and Stinna have been released from the hospital. So Bel is back home too and I headed back to work today after a whole week off! YUCK!!! I'm really wishing that I would have just taken today off too. Below are some pictures of Bel and Jorgen. Two of the cutest kids in the world....

Jessie

Jorgen Arrives

Mr. Jorgen Andrew Karch arrived at 7:37 this morning. He weighed 6 pounds and 4 ounces and is 19 inches long. He is pretty cute! Bel officially "loves him"!!! We went to the hospital shortly after we got the call and spent about an hour. Bel was able to hold him and love on him. She was very gentle and sweet.

After that we headed to the pool! We had a fabulous afternoon swimming and chilling. She is such a fun girl. I took lots of pictures at the hospital and at the pool so I will post more later. I need to get in the shower while she is still asleep. The pool wore her out and she fell asleep in the car on the way home!

Jessie

Baby Day

Stinna is really in labor this time around! The fireworks show really got her going. They have admitted her to the hospital and she is not leaving until she delivers!!! Bel and I are having a slumber party and trying to guess what time the baby will make his arrival.

We hung out at the hospital for awhile but after Bel put her feet in the stirrups and pretended to be pushing we decided maybe we should head on home. Though she is quite entertaining the labor and delivery floor isn't really the best place for the Bel Show. She is quite a gal. She informed me on the way home that babies come out of vaginas. That just cracked me up. She is too smart for her own good.

I'm off to try to sleep. Hopefully Adam will call soon and let me know that a baby has arrived.

Jessie

Fourth of July

Well it's the fourth of July. Just kinda another day around here. We did all of our celebrating over the weekend so now I'm just being a bum. Went out to mom's during the day and hung out. She slept a long time so Betty and I did a puzzle. Now I'm home and I'm gonna do some laundry and think about all the reasons that I don't want to go back to work tomorrow morning....

My weird neighbor guy that lives two houses down. Have I told you all about him. He is the one that yells at his kid at all the time and beats his dog. He also yells constantly. He must be hard of hearing because he doesn't talk in a normal tone. VERY LOUD ALL THE TIME.

Well he has a new friend. This single mom with three out of control kids and a nasty looking little dog moved in beside him. They are for sure my future clients! She seems to be missing all the fries from her happy meal. Dumber than a box of rocks. Well they have been talking or well yelling at one another for a couple days now. Last night Lena started going crazy at about midnight. So I got up to check things out. And loud man was yelling at dumb girl and they were making plans for a bar-be-que today. Why they were doing that in the middle of the night I do not know.

But today when I left to go to mom's they were hanging out in his yard together. Keep in mind it hasn't been mowed in 3 weeks and is about up to his waist. But they were hanging out. I think they forgot to cook the hotdogs because some of her dirty little kids were wandering around eating raw ones and throwing things at their dog. What a great family picture!!! I swear I have to move.

Jessie

Busy

It's been a busy busy weekend. I'm worn out! So not to long of a post. Went to Topeka to Charlie and Adair's house both Saturday and Sunday. Got a late start Saturday because someone busted a window out in my car on Friday Night/Saturday Morning. No good. Don't even what to think about paying that. Insurance will cover some but I'll have to come up with the deductible. Nice!

The weekend was good though. Very fun. Most of our relatives were there and it was just a good time. I'm tired so I'm signing off for tonight.

Jessie

Birthday

Today rocks! I got up and went and got my hair done this morning. The lady that did it was hilarious! I really had a lot of fun. I don't think I've ever had that much fun getting a hair cut. Went to the library after I left there. Now I'm eating a little lunch before I go get my massage. I'm so psyched. Birthdays should happen more than once a year!!!

Jessie

Birthday Party Day

Today was my birthday party day. Tomorrow is my actual birthday but all my parties were today. At work we all went to lunch at Wings and then we had a cupcake cake that looked like flowers in a pot. It was so cute. I work with the coolest people ever!

Tonight we had my birthday party at my mom's house. It was awesome. Aunt Donna cooked my favorite meal Hawaiian Chicken and we had ice cream cake. I got some cool gifts. Heather got me these cute black cube shelves for my computer room. My mom rocks! I got some candles, a fan that is way cute and retro looking, a couple of neat books, an awesome Americana basket, cookie sheets, funky bright pot holders, and XM satellite Radio for my car!!! How awesome is that! I so wanted XM. That way I can get NPR and that will make me a very happy girl.

I love my mom!!! She was really feeling good tonight and we just had a good time. I'm gonna post some pictures. Fun times!!!







Jessie

No Baby

No baby yet... That kid is stubborn. Bel and I are very ready for him to get here!!! I was really hoping to get a day off work but no. Maybe tommorow he will show up and I'll get to stay home to visit him and take care of Bel.

Baby Soon

Bel is here at my place because her mom is in labor. We are hoping that Mr. Jorgen will arrive soon. Bel is very ready for a brother and I'm anxious to hold a little baby! Maybe when we wake up in the morning we will be able to go see him...

Jessie

Pictures

I found this cool site that lets you do awesome things with your pictures. Since I didn't have any new ones to play around with I used some old ones. So you may have seen these already but I don't care. I just wanted to see what all I could do... So here are some pics from February, right before my mom started chemo, and also from Mother's Day in May... Good Times...

Hot Pager Hell

I'm on call this week and the hot pager sucks tonight! It started going off at 6:30 and I'm still working on the SAME thing 5 hours later!!!! I'm started to get tired and cranky about the whole deal. But I'm on the clock! If I'm up much later though I'm not going into the office until late. I didn't sleep very well last night because there was a storm and between the thunder and Lena freaking out there was little sleep. So two nights in a row of little sleep is not good.

Crap the thing is beeping again. I better go....

Jessie

New Office Blues

Well our new office is way different. It is really nice. It's clean and pretty. So that should make me happy. But there are no smiles there. There isn't as much joking around as before. There are more people so it's not like the close family type atmosphere. And it's just kinda weird. I can't see Donna and Darby from my office anymore. They are way far away from me and I don't like that. I can't even hear them most of the time. Just really odd!

My mom decided not to go back for chemo. She is going to a natureopathic doctor now. I'm excited for her since she is so excited. She is ready for an easier softer way. Hopefully this will provide her with that.

I'm tired! I kept waking up last night. I just couldn't sleep. That sucks. Watch though as soon as I go lay down I'll be awake again. No fun!!!

Jessie

Father's Day

Well it's Father's Day. My Dad is in New Orleans so I didn't get to see him. But I talked to him on the phone. He doesn't read my website but Cricket does so hopefully she will make him read this post... These are the Top Ten Reasons I think my Dad is pretty cool...

1. He loves me.

2. He doesn't judge me even though I make choices that are so different from what he would choose.

3. He is a "crafty bastard". Yes he will know what that means and I don't care if anyone else does.

4. He sends money when I need it and he doesn't even give me the be responsible lecture anymore.

5. He would drop everything and come home if I asked at anytime! He has done it before and I know he will do it again.

6. He treats my mom nice even though they aren't together. That means the world to me!!! When I was a kid he had this plaque that said the best thing a dad can do for his children is love their mother. That is very true. Just being kind and respectful is worth so very much!!!

7. He can fix EVERYTHING!!! He can be in my house like 20 minutes and fix 10 things. That is so cool.

8. He has made sure that I have seen the Monets twice in my life! Who can say their dad has done that. He made sure he raised us kids in a way that we could be comfortable and acceptable in a museum or a McDonald's and that is something not enough parents pull off.

9. He is pretty damn funny!

10. He always takes us kids cool places. He has made sure we have traveled and I love that. Whether it is Vegas, Texas or a ghetto in Boston we have been there and had a great time!

That's what I know. I love you Dad and I hope that today was great for you!!!!

Jessie

Good Day

It's been a good day. Slept in a bit this morning. That was nice! Went to Bel's b-day party for a little bit this afternoon. She is going to be 4 on Thursday. That seems so very wrong to me! She looked adorable today. I forgot my camera!!! How in the world did I do such a thing??? She is turning into a little girl instead of a toddler. It's pretty amazing to watch.

Hung out with Mom, Betty, Donna and Heather for awhile this afternoon. Mom looked good today. Last night was pretty tough for her I guess but today she was doing good. I'm always amazed by her!

Tonight Heather and I went to Topeka for dinner with my G-pa and G-ma Wagoner, Tom & Phyllis, Steve & Jane, Bryan & Meg, Rob & Angela and baby Alex. It was a good time. My grandparents anniversary and my Grandpa's b-day are next week and with Father's day tomorrow we decided to have a little celebration. Very good to see everyone. Alex is getting big. He is pretty fun to be around. A happy guy. And he is chubby which I just love! Babies are just pretty cute.

Heather and I of course drove home in a storm. I don't know what it is about us driving in the rain. Everywhere we go! It's crazy. But Heather is a brave driver and once again she pulled through. Hydroplaning and Hail can't stop Heather! She can drive through anything. We had a good time together. We needed a little girl time to just hang out and talk. She is pretty fun.

Lena is a big girl now. Heather and I were watching a movie after we got home and Lena jumped up on my lap while I was in a chair. She can't usually jump on the couch or chair! She has grown. I just love that! I won't love it next week I'm sure but I was so proud of her. It was like taking her first step or something. Very cool!

Jessie

Moving

Moving sucks! Our bosses made it sound like all we had to do was pack stuff and the movers would move it all and then we would unpack. That was a lie. It was pretty much a mess! Poor Darby and Donna ended up doing all kinds of crazy stuff they shouldn't have had to do. My guess is Donna won't be able to walk all weekend. Ridiculous. And we couldn't really do much work today. I wasn't even able to get on a computer to check my email until 4:45 today which pretty much sucks. But other than that it was a great day. I think it's pretty funny that today they sent us employee satisfaction surveys. Not the best day to do that!!!

We made bracelets tonight after I got off work. We got quite a few done. I guess we are going to have a booth at Olpe Down Home Days to sell them. So our goal now is to have 100 for there. Good times.

A storm is building outside so I probably ought to get off of here and take Lena out before it starts raining. She won't pee once it starts in. She is weird like that. But I can't really blame her. I wouldn't be to excited about going out and peeing in the rain either. In fact it would really make me uncomfortable. But dogs don't really have much shame. The fact that she can crap with cars driving by is so weird to me. You would think having a crowd would make her nervous but nope...

Over and Out!

Jessie

Bye Bye Christmas

Well today I had everyone from work over for lunch and staffing. Since we were without an office we made my house our makeshift location for the day. It was kinda cool. I got caught up on my logs and made enough calls on my work cell that I ran the battery out. I could handle the working from home thing. I really dig making calls while I'm laying on my bed. I'm so much more relaxed and comfortable and not angry. I think we should get one day a week like that! I might not hate my job then.

Since I had all these people coming over I decided I better take my Christmas cards down. When I got my Christmas cards in the mail from people I put them around the big door way that goes from my living room to my dining room. That way I could see them all. Well I never took them down. When anyone asked me I just said that I liked them.

The truth is that the Christmas cards were the last thing I associated with my old life. I got all those cards from people that I love before the "cancer" showed up and before Monte asked for a divorce. It's like it was the last sign of what used to be. I didn't want to let them go. Everytime I looked at them it reminded me of a happy time. So I didn't want to let them go....

But I decided it was time. So I took each of them down and looked them over and put them away. I cried a little bit even. I know it is silly but they really meant something so much more to me than the senders would have ever realized. Who would think cards could represent so much... Oh how things have changed since December...

Jessie

New Office

Well we went and took a tour of our new office today. They are moving us on Thursday. The building is much nicer than the one we are in now. Cleaner, better condition, better location. The building has two floors. The whole thing is ours but right now people are still in the upstairs. They won't be out till the end of August I guess. So they are putting us all in the basement. Not just the people in my office but also our business office people too. We have three offices in town now and they are combining us in the basement. Which means it is way small.

They have one room for like 8 of us. I don't know how it will ever work. They don't even have dividers in the room so when we are on the phones or even just talking it is gonna be crazy loud not to mention we are gonna be like sardines. I think eventually when we get upstairs it will be nice but right now it's gonna SUCK! I'm really not looking forward to it.

Well I better get off of here and finish some things up. Have a great night!

Jessie

Puppy Love

Miss Lena is just cracking me up tonight. She is so funny sometimes! What great entertainment. I got home from mom's and was trying to work out and I guess she didn't like it too much. She kept barking and howling at me and the TV screen. I'm thinking she doesn't like my workout video...

After I got done with that I took her outside to play in the backyard. I can't leave her alone out back because even though it is fenced there are some gaps in the fence she can fit through. So I have to watch her and she was ready to play tonight. We played fetch for quite awhile and then chased one another and then practiced sitting. But she was too excited for sitting so we just played some more. Before I knew it 40 minutes had passed and she was another workout in a cute little package. I just love that.

But she really killed me when I took her out front a minute ago. I was talking to the neighbor and heard a rustling sound and turned and looked. There was little bitty Lena dragging a huge tree branch through the yard. She loves sticks but this was no stick! It was HUGE and had leaves on it and it was so much bigger than her. She was a girl on a mission and didn't want to give it up. She wasn't happy when I made her leave it outside.

She is such a joy. Who knew what a wonderful little buddy she would be. Well I guess Darby did. I'm so glad she made me get her! I just love her so much!!!

Jessie

Ignoring Monday

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I'm kinda ignoring that. I don't wanna go. This has been the best weekend I have had in awhile and I just don't want to go back to the yuck of the work week. It's so bad when you start dreading work on Sunday afternoon! I wish I could take tomorrow off.

Today was great. Two great days in a row is so awesome. That hasn't happened in a really long time! In fact I can't remember the last time. A lot of our family came to visit today. We had a great lunch together and then everyone went to look at mom's new house. She is so excited and that is thrilling to me.

I got some work done around my house this afternoon and then had some time to chill with the girls and just relax and make some bracelets tonight. I'm addicted to the bracelet making I believe. Our new goal is to get a bracelet in each of the 50 states. We have hit 10 already! So if you know anyone outside of Kansas you just have to get them a bracelet! Leave me a message and I can send them out!

Jessie

Good Times

What a great day! I actually slept in a bit this morning. That was nice. I really needed some sleep. Mom called and woke me up and told me there was a house we needed to go see. So we went. It's great! Just what she needed. So she bought it. Yep, she made the offer, they accepted. It's gonna be hers. I'm so happy for her! I really think it will be great for her.

After the house buying Heather and I went to Olpe and got boxes. Then Betty and I worked on the puzzle and for some reason Heather decided to pack pretty much everything downstairs at my mom's! Seriously she isn't moving for a month and a half and that girl just packed it up. Betty and I got up from the puzzle and it looked like we had been robbed. I think Heather is really excited.

It was such a relaxing, stress free day today. Mom was in such a good mood. Really happy! I haven't seen her happy like that in months. Very cool! For the first time in weeks I wasn't tired. That was sooooo nice. Lena was super good today. She didn't bite Heather's toes once! I'm so proud of her. Just a good relaxing day! The only thing that would make it better would be a fantastic drink and time to read a good book. Maybe I could cram that in before bedtime...

Jessie

Almost Friday

Thank God tomorrow will be Friday. I need a weekend. I need a break... I really need to take a trip far far away!!! Someday I will do that. Not this day but someday.

Today was better than yesterday. Hopefully tomorrow will be better than today. Still not good but not so bad...

I'm tired and so is Lena. Off to bed for us!

Jessie

I'm hanging on the edge. I don't know if I can take much more. The past two weeks have been so horrible for me. Watching my mom hurt is just too hard. It's unreal. It would be one thing if it was just the cancer. Cancer is a thing. It can't be blamed really. It can't be controlled.

But when other people hurt her it makes me insane. Watching her cry because her feelings are hurt and she is scared and angry and tired is too much. Knowing that someone is just trying to inflict pain on her and make this all more difficult is to much. It makes me crazy inside.

Cancer is enough but this whole separation thing and division of property crap is unreal. Why Monte won't let it go is beyond me. Why can't he just let her have some peace. He didn't want us. He sat there in the living room in December and said HE wanted a divorce. He made the decision that he didn't want us. Didn't want to be a part of OUR family. So why does he act like he is trying to be this great person when in reality he is only hurting us all more???

Why if he doesn't want to be with us does he call and stop by and talk about the stupidest crap in the world... Who cares about his friends, his kittens, the weather. We are dealing with real life and real issues and we don't give a damn. Don't rub it in our faces that you have moved on to some lovely little stress free life while we try to muddle through the shit he causes... How can he say he ever loved us and gave a damn about us when he can do the crap he is doing???

I've become this bitter nasty person when it comes to the idea of marriage now. Why would I ever allow myself to get in a situation where someone could turn on me at my worst moment and attack me? Screw that. That's what sperm donors and adoption are there for. So I can still have kids and not put up with that risk. There is no way I will ever allow myself to be dependent on a man for ANYTHING!!! I may marry someone someday but I'm certain that I'm working the whole time and I'm not letting him touch my money. I will never depend on someone else for insurance or support of any kind. The moment you trust someone enough and allow them to take care of you for even a moment then they have the power to ruin you. No one is going to do that to me. My mom trusted him and he has turned that trust around and attacked her. It will not happen to me.

Well I'm obviously in a very pretty little place. I'm just all cotton candy and pretty flowers tonight huh... What a downer. I shouldn't have written all that and I shouldn't post it but I'm going too. I'm tired of trying to sugar coat it and be nice. I'm tired of being politically correct and trying to be tough. My whole world is crumbling around me and no one can do a thing to help me. I might as well just call it as it is. CRAP!!!

Jessie

Crazy Day

Well bad things happened today. It included my mom sobbing, me being tough and then hysterical later, and much drama in between. I'm fed up with the crap we have to deal with. I just want our normal happy life back. It isn't gonna happen so I should just shut up about it!

Anyways after all that Leslie and I had to go to Ottawa and Garnett for work. I was still crying when we got in the car but through my tears I vowed we would make it a fun trip. If you have to work till 9:00 at night you at least have to make it fun. So we decided to find the humor in things. Here is what we found!

1. Big fat Mexican men should not ride motorcycles without helmets on days when the temperature is 103. This guy seriously had fat rolls also known as hotdogs on the back of his head. It looked like sweaty hotdogs in the lane beside us. All bad!!!

2. Our work car (Ford Focus) has this feature where as you speed up and slow down the radio volume increases or decreases. This is so screwed up for a couple reasons.

2a) A Ford Focus is a piece of crap car. The thing makes a horrible groan if you go over 55, it shakes at 65, and smells bad all the time. Crappy cars shouldn't have those kind of features. Whatever happened to cruise control.... That's a feature the Focus can pull off. Not the radio thing.

2b) Leslie is a horrible driver. She speeds up and slows down often and quickly. Therefore this feature is incredibly stressful. When I begin to scream as she drives 90 cutting off semi's no one can hear me over the radio to send help. Then other times when is crawling along at 20 on the shoulder after the cops stop us I can't hear my favorite song anymore. Overall the feature just sucks!

There were a couple other funny things I was gonna tell you but Lena was in the kennel way to long today and is eating my toes of for attention. So I'm done for the night.

Jessie

Good Day

Today was actually a good day. It's about time for one! Work was busy but not nearly as horrible as last week. No drama. So that is always good. In fact we had Staci's baby shower today. I am beginning to wonder if she is ever having that baby! It seems like she has been pregnant forever. I asked her the other day if it was a baby elephant but she didn't think that was too funny.

Lena was wound up tonight. I took her out to mom's and she wouldn't chill out so we went on a walk. The walk to the mailbox and back usually wears her out but not tonight. So we watered the flowers in the back and she was still wound up so we watered in the front yard and still she was crazy. You would think all that running around would chill her out but no!

I usually leave her on the back porch at mom's. She can be in my house but I don't take her in mom's. She has never really tried to get in the house. But tonight she snuck past us and got in about five times. So then we had to chase her around and catch her and put her back outside. I don't know what the deal was. She isn't usually like that. I think she has figured out that the fun is inside... At least mom likes her and doesn't get upset about it.

For some reason mom calls her Muffin. It think that is so pathetic. It makes her sound like a little sissy. Heather thinks it's all kinds of cute. Since it's mom I let her get away with it but anyone else and we would have to have a little discussion about that. Muffin my butt. It makes it sound like she is edible. And eating puppies is all kids of wrong in my opinion.

Jessie

Weekend Over

I'm so disappointed that the weekend is over. I don't want to go back to work... I pretty much hate it anymore. I just have a hard time with it. I would really love to just walk away. But then I paid bills today and there is no way I could quit. Heck I couldn't miss a day right now. I need a money tree. I wish I could grow those.

Spent the afternoon at mom's house. That was nice. She seemed to be feeling a little better.

Did laundry and paid bills and cleaned house tonight. All the things I hate! Oh what fun...

Jessie

Pictures

Here are some pictures...




Miss Lena eating a treat



Mother's Day 2006



Ghost Hunting! Don't know for sure what it is but I think we got something...



Another creepy ghost hunting picture



The crazy big puzzle we did out at my mom's...

Jessie

Weekend

Thank God the weekend is here. This has just been the worst week! Work was horrible, the worst I've ever had at this job. My mom had a rough week which means I had a rough week. Yes I know that is called being enmeshed and I don't care. That's what we are. And we do just fine that way.

But the week is over and the weekend is going so much better!!! I tried to sleep in this morning but some nameless people (Darby and Cricket) think they need to call me at the butt crack of dawn. Lena was even letting me sleep but those two kept calling! So I finally answered the phone so they wouldn't send a search party or something.

Went house hunting with my mom. We found two great houses. One for her and one for me... I wish I could afford to move right now. The house for me was just adorable. I so loved it!!! Someday someday... If only I could sell a few more shakes! I'm hoping my mom's separation stuff with Monte will be resolved next week so she can make a bid on a house and we can get her moved. I think that would help her feel a little more in control.

This afternoon my grandparents and my aunt and uncle Tom and Phyllis showed up at my house. They cut down my drooping tree limbs, fixed my dishwasher, trimmed my yard, weeded my flowers beds and brought me a different mower to use while they work on fixing mine! How awesome is that!!! It was so nice of them. I was standing on my front steps tonight and I could see clearly with no limbs hanging down and I loved it! I'm so glad they came and helped me.

Went to mom's this evening and it was a good time. Charlie, Adair, and Sara came by to visit which was great. They are always great to see. Betty is still here though she thinks she is leaving tomorrow. What she doesn't know is that mom slipped me a $20 to let the air out of her tires so she can't leave us.

Now I'm chilling with Miss Lena. I got her a treat ball thing that you put the snacks in and then she has to push around to get one out. She loves it! It's been keeping her busy for awhile now.

I'm hoping to download some pictures and get them on the site tonight. The batteries in my camera just died so I will have to check and see if I have more. If so I will get some on in a bit.

Jessie

Hanging in

I'm still alive. I've just been really busy. It's crazy at work and then I've been busy after work and before I know it days have passed before I've posted. Sorry about that.

We made more bracelets last night. Doreen got pictures of the bracelets scanned and is going to email them to me so I will post them on here when she does. That way you can kinda see what they look like. They all look different but at least you can see the charms, etc.

Well better get back to work.

Jessie

Broken

I am living in the house of broken things! I'm not sure what in the heck is going on with all my stuff but it's just not right...

My lawn mower is broken. I don't think the thing every worked right anyways. You actually had to push the piece of crap. It should just go and cut on it's own if you ask me... But now it only goes about three steps and then dies. That is if the back wheel hasn't fallen off before it dies. And I won't even tell you about the crappy handle that comes off sometimes. That is the worst.

My DVD player is broken. It does this lovely thing where it skips and bounces and makes everyone sound like they have a speech impediment. That is nice. But then it gets real pretty when it just quits running and says disc error and then spits out the DVD. Crap! I can't even watch a movie after the mower pisses me off.

My dishwasher is broken. It has this part that falls off. It is the spinning part that shoots the water. So the dishwasher will run it just doesn't shoot the water out effectively. This is the part that breaks all the time. It falls off and the only person in the world that knows how to fix it is my dad. It's like a mysterious broken part that calls my dad home. It's time for him to come visit so it will work right again...

So there is only one way to solve all of these problems at one time. I need to marry an incredibly funny actor. He can entertain me so I won't need the DVD player. He would also be so rich that someone else would mow our yard and do our dishes so all my problems would be solved.... I better get to work on that!

Jessie

Ghost Hunt

Well Darby, Leslie, and her friend Jessica and I all went ghost hunting tonight. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. We got one picture with an orb in it and we got some strange tape recordings so that was cool. But we didn't get anything real great. But at least we had fun.

My mom comes home tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that. I've missed her this week. But that also means that Heather will be going home so it will be quiet at my house. It's been so nice having her around. She is a good roommate.

Better go to bed. I'm worn out.

Jessie

Snow Cone

97 degrees. That is really freaking HOT! That's how hot it was today. The clock sign said so. That's to hot for a fat kid. That hot makes me cranky, really really cranky. I turn into a mean mean fat kid that has bad hair and no make up because the heat wore it off. Not a happy thing.

So as a reward for the ridiculous heat and the crap going on at work Darby and I went to get a snow cone. A snow cone has super powers! It is cold which is good. It tastes good which is great. And it doesn't have many calories which is super good great. Which means a whole lotta good. The snow cone place should only make you happy...

But something went wrong today. We got there and there were lots of other people. So we had to wait in line. In the sun and the heat and the crankiness set it. So I went and stood in the shade for a little bit. Then another car pulled into the parking lot. So I moved back to the sun so they wouldn't cut. Darby said they wouldn't cut and I told her I just wanted to make sure. So I sacrificed the shady comfort for the sun. Knowing the snow cone was coming soon to make it okay.

It was getting closer... 9 minutes passed, 10 minutes passed, 12 minutes passed. Finally only one guy in front of me. He ordered his cone. Then his phone rang and he talked. She handed him his cone and he ordered another one. He said the person on the phone wanted one. Well I say the phone person goes to the back of the line. That is almost cutting. But I let it slide because I was next and I was trying to be nice even though sweat was running down my boobs and my toes were getting sunburned!

So he is done and it is MY TURN!!! But no! Some freaky little kid, some little ugly girl with the worst hair I've ever seen and bad flip flops cutted. She was in the car that forced me out of the shade in the first place. I was gonna say something, I was gonna knock her down. What a crappy thing to do. Why do parents not teach their kids MANNERS!!! I swear I wanted to take her flip flop off and whip her butt with it. CUTTING IS SOOOOO WRONG!!!!

But Darby gave me the look. The one that said chill out and don't beat up some random child. The one that said she is little and you are big and you should be nice. The one that said when no one is looking we will knock her down and spill her snow cone and that will be better than calling her on the cutting. So I didn't say anything. And after she got her ugly mug outta the way I got my snow cone. And it was delicious and it made things better. So it worked out.

Jessie

P.S. I sure hope that kid has quit crying by now. Darby shoved her real hard and took some of her snow cone. Bad times for her.

Slave Drivers

Long day.....

Work was busy....

Bracelet making was fun...

Lena made the pee pee on my floor after she attacked the neighbors boxer...

My mom is having a good day...

I saw a really fat lady on a scooter today...

Heather is still here...

Her friend Chelsi is staying the night too...

I'm tired...

Goodnight...

Jessie

Sit

Well Lena is about to kill Heather. For some reason she gets all excited when she sees Heather and just attacks her. It's like she turns into a different puppy. I don't get it. She bites and nips at her. Jumps all over her. Eats her hair, bites her ears. It's weird. So that's not so good.

But while Heather has been gone this evening Lena and I have practiced sitting. Well I know how to do it. She has been practicing. Not me. But she is getting the hang of it. We tried about 20 times and now she is taking a nap. That seems to be the routine. Play then sleep.

Have to go to El Dorado tomorrow for a training thing. I'm not looking forward to that. I hate training stuff. They are always so so so boring! YUCK!!! But after work it is another bracelet making night. I'm excited about that. It should be fun.

Jessie

10.5

Heather and I just got done watching that 10.5 movie on NBC. We are such dorks. We are so into that movie! And it's a two part thing. So now we are gonna have to watch it again on Tuesday to find out if the world ends or not! Seriously thought it's some good stuff. It's not every day you see the Hoover Dam get destroyed.

Mom has headed to Chicago. So it's girl's week here at my house. It will be nice to have Heather here. But she eats A LOT!!! I made the mistake of taking her to the grocery store with me! Yikes! But we have a crap load of food now. At least she won't starve. Mom would be glad to know that.

Jessie

Sites

Okay I haven't done a favorite things list in awhile. And I don't really have a lot of favorite things right now. But I do have a couple favorite sites...

www.oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com
This site is pretty awesome. Very creative idea and fun to watch and see how it unfolds...

www.tourettesguy.com
This site is too dang funny! It is so sick and wrong but the videos are hilarious!!!! When I'm upset this can make me laugh every time!

www.backtothebible.org
I like this site because it gives you a guide so you can read the bible in a year. It tells you what versus to read each day so you get through the whole thing. Pretty cool

www.luckyyoupsc.com
My lovely friend Sharon whose husband Jeremy has cancer runs this site. She has created an awesome spa collection of amazing soaps, lotions, bath salts, etc. Please read the About Us section. She shares their story and it's pretty awesome.

That's what I know

Jessie

Pretty Yard

Mowed my yard this morning. It looks much better now. I had to borrow my mom's mower to do it. Mine is broken. Not sure exactly how that is gonna work out. Having someone haul the mower in here for me and then back to mom's is a pain in the butt. But it doesn't matter till next week. The yard is mowed and pretty now and that is the most important thing.

I'm going to Erika's graduation party this afternoon. I think my mom is even gonna go for a little bit. She has been feeling pretty good the past couple days. That would be nice if we could all go together. Heather is for sure going so at least I don't have to show up alone.

Better get cleaned up and get going.

Jessie

My Bad

I screwed up a little bit today. Okay so I screwed up a whole lot today. I've been trying to call my brother Shawn and his wife Amanda for days now. I've left a bunch of messages on their home phone and cell phones and no calls back. I was pretty annoyed about it today.

So when I called today I left Amanda a really funny completely inappropriate voicemail. It was long and funny and so so so inappropriate. Well Amanda called me back. But she called on the home phone. I asked if she got my voicemail. She said no. I thought her phone was jacked up.

Well nope... I go to a visit and come out and I have a voicemail. It says it's from Amanda's cell. Well I play the message and it is this girl that sounds really young saying that I keep calling her phone and she isn't Amanda and no she isn't "humping my brother" so to please not call anymore. She was laughing but damn I wanted to just die!!! I can't believe I left some random girl such an inappropriate message! Very funny but oh so wrong. I'm for sure going to hell now!!!!

Jessie

What a day...

It was so slow at work today. This week is going to be very long... I'm sure next week will be super crazy to make up for it.

Lena got a bath tonight. She doesn't smell like potting soil now. That is a good thing!

I went on a date. That was fun. His name is Nathan and he seems like an alright guy. No serious sparks but nice and polite and that's good with me.

Tired and still have laundry to put away.

Jessie

Flowers

Went out to mom's tonight. I took Lena with me. She does really well staying on the back porch and entertaining herself. I take her toys and things and she plays and we go on walks every once in awhile. So it has been working fine. Well tonigt Mom, Donna and I are working on the never ending puzzle and I hear her barking. She doesn't usually bark unless there is a person or another animal around. So I go to check on her.

I peer out the window and there is little Miss Lena with a petunia on her head rolling around in potting soil. I didn't realize that mom had a bag of flowers on the porch! Lena was having a dang good time tearing the crap out of those suckers! Mom didn't get upset at all which surprised me. I was more upset that she was naughty at someone else's house. But she was so stinking cute I couldn't stay mad for too long. Mom and Donna checked the flowers over and we were able to salvage them. She didn't do much to the root just mainly the flowers and leaves... Crazy puppies!

Mom was having a pretty good night tonight. I was impressed. She has been pretty tired lately. She just seemed to have more energy today than yesterday. That's a good thing.

Jessie

Review

Well it was an interesting weekend. It went by to quickly. Mother's Day was wonderful! It was so nice to be with my mom. Granted I see her about every day but it's still cool to celebrate Mother's Day. I cooked lunch for the mom's and Heather and her friends. So we all just ate and hung out. Nothing extravagant. Just good old fun. It was nice!

There was too much drama when I got home last night. Sometimes things are just all crazy. I'm not even getting into that but it was just plain DRAMA!!! YUCK!

Work was long today. Felt like the day just drug on forever. I did get a lot of things done though so that is good.

Lena is doing great. She is just such a good little buddy. How I ever lived without her I don't know! She just makes my heart happy. She is a little bed hog. How something as tiny as her can steal the blankets and hog the bed I will never understand. But she does. She pulls the sheets with her teeth and takes them from me. She is something else.

Jessie

Goddess

You Are Psyche!

Eternally in search of purpose and insight. You're curious and creative with a total sense of wonder. Totally empathetic, you pick up on other's moods easily. Just be sure to pamper yourself as well!

What Goddess Are You?

Ice Cream

You Are Chocolate Ice Cream

Dramatic. Powerful. Flirty.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Saturday

Well I totally slept in this morning. I actually slept till 9:30! I'm so psyched about that. I was exhausted. I really needed the sleep. I got up and let Lena out at 7:00 and then I just let her play while I went back to bed. She did just fine playing on her own. She didn't get into anything that she shouldn't have.

Last night while I mowed the yard I let her free in the house unsupervised for the first time. I was a little worried but she did great. She just played with her toys and ate and was sleeping when I came in. She really is a pretty well behaved puppy. Today I had to get on her once because she was chewing on my cell phone but after I gave her a toy of her own she was fine.

I just got done cleaning the house so I'm gonna shower and head out to mom's for the rest of the day. I'm gonna leave Lena here today. I have been taking her but she has been out all day today and playing so it won't hurt her to be in her crate for awhile. I may even put the baby gate up and just leave her in the kitchen. She would probably be fine. I'll have to try it eventually so I might as well get to it...

Jessie

Puppy Power

Miss Lena is so wonderful. She just cracks me up. She is quite the little attack dog. She goes after feet like a cop on a crack head. She also can pull my kitchen rugs into the living room and pile them up for me. While I don't need that done at least she has skills. She hasn't had any accidents on the floor yet but she won't eat out of her food bowl. She takes the food out and then eats it. I don't know what that is about. But she is funny and cuddly and I like her. I will keep her.

Work sucks but that is typical. I'm really done with my job. I did get word that I got my 3% raise so I should be happy. But I hate it. I hate going there. And it used to be that if I got there I was okay but now I'm not. The whole day I look at the clock and wonder how I can go home early. Something is gonna have to give. Maybe God will answer my prayer and I'll win the lottery... :-)

Jessie

Lena

Miss Lena has arrived! This is my new puppy! Isn't she beautiful!!! I just love her to pieces!!! She is a miniature schnauzer and I just think she is a wonderful addition to my life. I'm so grateful to have her here!

Jessie

Overwhelmed

I haven't posted in awhile... Sorry about that. I just don't have much time or energy lately. I'm busy but I don't feel like I really get anything done. I feel more like a zombie. I just move through the motions of the day. Go to work, do the laundry, visit mom, workout but don't remember much or focus on much. I think my mind is overloaded.

I would think I was depressed but I have my happy pills to help with that. I think I'm just going through this all and feeling a bit sorry for myself. It will get better though. It always does. I do pretty well for a couple weeks then have a bit of a breakdown. I really think it is probably normal.

I'm thinking about getting a dog. Like I need one more thing to take care of I know! But I think I need something alive that forces me to function even when I don't want to. Something that makes me get off the couch instead of laying there watching movies for 4 hours like I did today. I had a million things to do around my house and I laid on my couch like an idiot. Now it's just more to do tomorrow.

Jessie

Thursday

Well it's almost Friday! Thank God!!! This has been such a very long slow week. Work is just dragging. I'm having a bunch of files audited so all I've done this week is basically go through and check and recheck my files. If I get a perfect audit I get a paid day off work. So I'm working on it really hard. I don't have any vacation days left so I could use some free days!

Mom was doing better tonight. She was cracking me up actually. She can be so funny. Aunt Shirley was being way funny too. If you knew Aunt Shirley you would understand why that is a bit shocking. She has really changed through this whole thing. I think being around us is rubbing off on her. She is calmer and funnier and she is a much better hugger! I'm so pleased with that. I also think that the Reliv shakes are helping her feel better too. She has some health problems and I think it's helping her with that as well as her mood. It's amazing really! I told her tonight I'm not sure if it's the cancer or the shakes that's changing her but that I really think she is pretty damn fun to be around.

tomorrow I'm not going out to mom's. We are having a making bracelets at my house. The healing bracelets in mom's honor are selling like crazy. Darby pushes those better than a drug dealer pushes crack. It's amazing! So because Darby is such a bracelet sales lady we have to make a ton more. Which is good. They are fun to make and the money really helps mom. I'd make a thousand of them if it would help her!

Better jet

Jessie

Good Times

Today was pretty busy at work. Very odd day really. Court was strange today and things really shocked me! You just never know what will happen depending on how the judge feels. Sometimes I walk out of the court room baffled. Today was one of those days!!!

Went to a Reliv meeting in Topeka tonight. It was good. I really feel like I made the right decision signing on with Reliv. Hopefully I can make some good things happen soon....

Still haven't ate dinner so I need to do that and get to bed. More tomorrow.

Jessie

Big Post

Okay once again I waited to long to post and now I have a lot to put in one really long post... YUCK!!!!

Friday was a weird day. Leslie and I had court in Chase County so we went early to eat at Grand Central. The service sucked so I went to get our drinks myself and this very handsome cowboy stopped me and said he would get them. So he went in back and got our drinks and brought them to us. Then he stood around and chatted with us. We found out he owns a bar there and he asked us to come to the male strippers show they were having that night. We kindly declined since we had to work the benefit thing for my mom. So he went back to his seat with his friends.

Then their food came and we started chatting with them again. He ended up giving us an onion ring as an appetizer and he flirted with me and his buddy flirted with Leslie and it was fun. Then when they were leaving we gave them our numbers. Just cute harmless flirting. Something fun to do....

My dad came to town Friday evening. It was awesome to see him. He helped Heather and I and a bunch of other people set up for the garage sale. My mom also got home on Friday. Very good to see her too. She looked pretty good, just very tired!

Saturday we had the sale and it was HUGE! It was a very long day but a whole lot of fun. So many people came to help and shop and hang out. It was just really neat. We ended up making 5650.07 which is just amazing to me!!! I never thought we would make anywhere close to that amount. Unbelievable.

Saturday night Dad and Heather and I went out to eat and then we hung out at my place in the evening. We were all worn out but it was nice to have some time with dad. Sunday we cleaned out my gutters which was so gross then went to see my mom for a bit. She was doing a little better but still really tired and not able to eat due to the chemo.

Sunday night Dad and I barbecued with my nice new neighbors next door, Nathan and Pam. They are super nice and it was fun! I really like them. Then we watched some cheesy movie with Tom Selleck in it Sunday night. We are hard up for entertainment I guess.

Today I worked and it sucked. I didn't want to go! Dad headed back to New Orleans which also sucked. I didn't want him to go. But he is safe and sound. Went and saw mom tonight and she was doing better. She was able to eat and take her shakes today which is very good. She needs that!

However, I also found out today that the nice guys that were hitting on Leslie and I on Friday are actually gay! I was so disappointed!!! I was really digging the one that gave us our drinks. And Leslie really liked the other one. Usually I can pick up on that but they totally had us sold that they thought we were cute.... They are like their own brokeback mountain... To bad so sad!

Now I'm worn out. I just hate Mondays! I never feel like I get a weekend and then going back to work sucks. Someday I'm gonna win the big bucks and quit this whole working thing....

Jessie

Communication Problems

Well had some phone issues today.... For some reason my phone decided to die. So of course I go to Alltel to get it fixed. They can't fix it but they can get me a new phone for a fee of course. So I ask them to transfer my numbers from my old phone to my new phone. They tell me it's a $10 fee for that. You have to be kidding me. I asked if they had a little midget in the back room that entered them all in by hand... I thought they just did it on the computer. They said it is on the computer but it's their "policy" to charge the fee. Whatever....

So I agree to pay the ridiculous fee. I just want my dang numbers. So she plugs it in and nothing... NOT A THING! 321 numbers in the memory and they can't get them out!!! I just melted down. For some reason I told her my mom had cancer. Her reply was, "Nice try, both my mom and dad have cancer." So I ask what kind. She says prostrate and breast cancer. So for some strange reason I say, "Ha, pancreatic cancer that has matastisized, beat that!" Who does that. What has overcome me??????? Who tries to beat someone in the cancer game???

Then it gets even worse. I ask if she has heard of Reliv. Because in the middle of a melt down I'm sure she is gonna wanna buy something from me. She says no. I explain what it is. She gives me her number and says to call her tonight to tell her more. I kindly explain that I'll be calling her all night because I have no other numbers to call and I will need someone to cry to about my mom. She explains she understands.

She gives me my new phone after she takes my check. I again explain that it is crap they can't get my numbers. She says I can keep my old phone. WHY??? For a paperweight. Why do I want a broken phone I ask... But I take it. I'm gonna smash the thing with a hammer later. Then I ask her if she really can't get my numbers or if she is just saying that because I'm a bitch. She starts laughing at me. She tells me I am funny. I say no I'm not I'm pissed at you. She says I'm the funniest pissed off person she has ever met. I explain it will be really funny when I put my broken up foot up her butt... She laughs more. I don't think this is funny. I take my new phone and my crap phone and limp towards the door. I can't even walk in a pissed off determined way because my leg is messed up. As I get to the door she says, "You do win." I forget and ask her what. She agrees that pancreatic cancer is worse so I win. I ask if I win my numbers back. She says no. I leave and vomit in the parking lot!

So I've called her six times tonight. I don't have anyone else to call. I'm gonna stalk her. I swear it! I'll end up in jail and then it won't matter that I don't have any phone numbers. You only get one call anyways....

So if I haven't called you it's because Alltel sucks! So call me and give me your number.

Jessie

Hard Day

I'm just struggling through the day today. It's been a rough one. I keep telling myself that it's normal to have a rough day yet I fight it so much. I just want it to all be okay.... It's not going to be okay for a long time. I know that in my head... I just want it all to be different, better, calmer...

I always have a rough time when my mom goes for chemo but this time is harder. They found cancer on her liver which means it's spread. And they changed her chemo to something more aggressive. Which is good because it may help but bad because more aggressive means she will be sicker. I don't want that.

I just want her to come home. It's so selfish really. I just want her with me, in her house, safe. I don't want doctor's to touch her anymore. They don't know really what they are doing. They just guess and practice on her and she is to little and real to be practiced on. I just want to love her well. I want her to come home and I want us to just love her. She is ours not theirs. And I know doctor's are good people but they hurt her. The poking and drugs and tests and sickness isn't fair to her. She is to good for that. And she deserves more, she deserves her life back.

I miss her when she is gone. And every time she goes I feel like it is a test. Can I make it without her physically with me. And each time I feel sick. Like it's some cruel mean game that God is playing with me. Take her away and give her back and see how close to crazy I get without her. I don't want to be without her, not now not ever! I need her like I need air... She's my very best friend and I can't be without her.

The benefit garage sale is for her this weekend. It's at the church and it's so nice of them to do it for us. People have been so kind to us. But I don't want it. I don't want to need help. I don't want people to bring us anymore food or anymore money or anymore help. They do that because she is sick and every time it's a reminder that things aren't right. And as grateful as I am I would give it all back and then some if she could just be okay. I don't want us to be the family people help because it's tragic. I don't like how people whisper pancreatic cancer and look at us and pity us... I just want to be us again with no explanation or needs.

I want our lives back.... I pray like crazy that God will give us a miracle. I pray that God will give us strength. I pray that God will not let me hate him for this. And that is hard. It's hard to believe that a God that is kind would let this happen to her. Would actually let people go through things like this. I know God doesn't cause cancer but God has the power to cure it. So why wouldn't he. Why would he let someone that believes in him so much suffer. Why when there are so many rotten people in the world would he let my mom who loves us so much hurt like this! Damn that pisses me off!!!

See I told ya it was a crappy day.....

Me

Limping

Well I'm just limping through the day. My ankle still sucks. Had an x-ray today and it's not broken but the doc thinks I may have torn my ligaments so I had an MRI on that. The results should be in in the morning. Hopefully that isn't the case. That would really suck!

Been working Reliv today since I was home from my real job. I'm hoping that I can get this off the ground and get to making some more money soon. I keep praying I could turn this into my only job. It would be a miracle for me to be working from home so I could be available to mom when she needed me. Somehow if that is God's plan it will happen! I just know it!!!

So I'm gonna limp back on to the living room so I can get on my training call. Hope everyone is having a good Monday!

Jessie

Hell of a Day

Woke up this morning feeling not so great. Thought I had a urinary tract infection so I made a doctor's appointment. Since it's Saturday I had to go do the lab work at the hospital and that took forever. Then of course I was right so I got my lovely prescriptions. Was supposed to be out at mom's and was already running way late. But I had a package of shake stuff to mail to Shawn and Amanda so I stopped off at the post office.

I was just meandering up to the post office and for no good reason decided to trip on my feet and wipe out! Thank God shake aren't breakable. So even though my ankle hurt like hell I jumped right up and pretended I was fine. I was so flipping embarrassed!

Since I'm such a dedicated Reliv distributor I limped my crippled butt into the post office and stood in line FOREVER to mail my package. I finally get to the counter and all I remember is the guy asking me if I want priority mail and my response was "I don't care I'm gonna pass out." Then I wake up on the floor of the post office with one guy saying he will get me water and another guy saying that he didn't think I hit my head when I fell outside! For the LOVE OF GOD!!! Why does this crap happen to me!!!

I don't know why I passed out. The doctor this it may have been a combination of the pain, the heat, the infection, everything. My blood sugar was fine and I felt fine before that other than the shooting pain in my leg! So now I have a swollen foot, it burns when I pee and my pride is badly damaged. I'm just having a great freaking weekend!

By the time I got to mom's house I just laid in the recliner and cried for a little bit. It's pretty bad when the person with PANCREATIC CANCER is getting around better than you. She actually got me an icepack for my ankle! Mom's are great!

So now I'm hoping the swelling will go down soon and the pain will go away. If it's still hurting a lot on Monday I'm supposed to have it x-rayed to make sure it's not broken. Yippee!

Jessie

Movies

Well I actually watched a movie tonight. I watched In Her Shoes. It was pretty good. Jumped around a lot but other than that it was alright. I'd give it like 3 1/2 stars....

Went out to mom's tonight and ate dinner and hung out for a bit. We have been working on a puzzle out there for what feels like an eternity. It's actually only been a couple weeks but it is huge and doesn't feel like we are making much progress. I'm ready for it to be done. I'm thinking we are about halfway now... Someday soon it will be done!

All my shipment of Reliv stuff arrived. My house is little. I've got boxes stacked in the living room. My goal for the weekend is to find a home for all of it. We will see how that goes....

Jessie

Evaluation

Today is my two year anniversary at my job. Feels like about 10 though. So I got my lovely evaluation today. Actually it was really good. I've met all my goals for the year. In fact I supposed to have 50% relative placements and I'm above that which is good because everyone else at work is below that so I'm carrying the weight. I'm also the only person at my office that has genograms done for every client. That's not a big shocker considering that I love to do genograms. It's fun for me. But anyways the eval is good so hopefully I will get my 3% raise. It's not much but I want it.

This year we aren't guaranteed the 3% raise like before. Now we get a $100 bonus for each year of work and then a possibility for a raise. I would be pretty upset if I didn't get the whole 3% though. I've had to train two case managers now this year not to mention the amount of time I carried the caseloads on my own. And meeting my goals should get it anyways. So hopefully they will give it to me! I could use the money...

Don't know much else.

Jessie

Good Times

My mom had a great day today! After I got off work we went and drove around town and looked at houses. The court stuff with her and Monte is moving ahead and hopefully she will be able to move soon. Now it's just a matter of finding a house that meets her needs and is in her price range! But God will provide. I'm sure of that.

I've been telling Darby for months that I was going to post about her Jeep and haven't done it. Today I rode in it and it was fairly cleaned out. Usually it is crazy!!! Today the only odd things I found was a tiger thing and an inflatable guitar. Usually there are all kinds of toys, food, bags, books, etc. One time there was even an oven mit in that thing! She said that she used the oven mit to keep Caden's bottle warm... Silly girl! One time there was even this toy rabbit thing of Caden's. It made sounds and moved a little but I swear it looked like a dead animal! It scared the crap out of me!!!

What's bad is that when I got in my car to leave work I realized that her weird car collection is contagious. I'm hauling around all kinds of stuff that people have donated for my mom's garage sale and my car now looks like Darby's jeep. I have mismatched coffee cups, an odd pillow thing, some wall decorations, two boxes of Kleenex, some books, a yoga mat, and about 800 drinking straw wrappers. So since my car is dirty I'm sure it is somehow Darby's fault. She has passed it on to me!!!

Jessie

Reliv

Well I'm officially a distributor for Reliv now. That's the shakes that my mom is taking. Well I'm taking them too and so is half my family. And they are working. Mom's cancer markers are down, I'm feeling good and my blood sugar is good. I've never been a person to sell things but I believe in this product. It's just good nutrition and that can't hurt anything. I figure none of us get the good stuff we need in our daily diet. So if we add it in with the shakes and give our body the food it needs to fight disease we will all be better off. And if I'm gonna tell people about it I might as well be able to provide them with it. Had a training thing all night tonight and I'm worn out but excited. I think this could be a very good opportunity for me. It may give me the chance to make some extra money and still have time with mom. That would be a miracle!

Jessie

New Neighbors

Well my new neighbors have moved in. They seem really nice. I'm kinda digging having neighbors again. It's been a long time since I've had some really nice neighbors. They are young and recently married. Pam and Nathan. I may end up really liking them. You can tell they are first time home buyers though. Everytime they see me they say "hello neighbor". It just cracks me up. They have a cool Harley and a couple dogs. They are repainting the house and mowed the lawn. So I'm digging that. Anything that makes their property look better makes mine look better. So I'm a happy girl.

Jessie

Easter

It was a great Easter at our house! Mom was actually able to go to church!!! That is huge for her. However, it was so dang hot in the church I thought I was gonna get sick so I had to leave after the sermon. But mom who is always cold was fine and made it through the whole service. She even was wearing one of the new tops that Heather and I got her for Easter. She looked nice in something that fits and a pretty scarf. How she can have cancer and still look so pretty I will never know.

Mom got me cool stuff in my Easter basket. I got some flowers that I planted this evening. Pencils which I needed but was a little bit of a joke, money, just a little candy, some teddy grahams, some crackers I like, and a cool rabbit rock for my flowers beds. Heather however got two thongs. And not the kind you wear on your feet. I swear she has to be the only person in the world that gets thongs in their Easter basket. But it's what she wanted so it's what she got. She is a funny girl!

Mowed all day yesterday at mom's house. I was so dirty and gross. I don't know how there is any dirt left in her yard! I had to wash my hair three times to get it all out. YUCK! But the yard looks nice so that is good. We also got some flowers planted for her and they look pretty. She's happy with it and that is the most important thing. I sure wouldn't mind if her yard would shrink overnight sometime though. It's HUGE.

Today after I left mom's house I came home and cleaned house and planted flowers. I got all my bulbs planted and the plants she gave me. I'm holding out a couple more weeks on my hanging baskets and pots. I like to put vinca's in my hanging baskets and they don't start selling them till the very end of April or early May. So I'm gonna be patient and wait them out. It was nice to be out and get some of that done. I'm getting one heck of a tan already. Granted it's only on my arms and face but they sure do look good. I'm digging the tan. That is the only pay off for mowing!

Jessie

Good Friday

Well it's Good Friday and it was a good Friday. Work was well CRAZY. I swear the weirdest things happen at my job. I supervised this visit today with Leslie the new case manager and it has to rank in my top 5 list of the weirdest visits I've ever supervised. Leslie was laughing so hard she was crying and I was just praying for the time to move faster. So freaking weird!

Everyone pretty much left early from work so then just Darby and I were left. That was kind of nice. We got time to visit. We have determined that we have completely crazy stressful lives. I don't understand why being a grown up has to be so hard sometimes. Her mom is also having some health problems and it is just so very stressful. Once those roles change and your parents get sick it is just a whole new world. It sucks that we are going through it all but I'm so grateful that I have a best friend that understands my craziness! God puts people in our lives for a reason!

Heather came home this afternoon which is good. I just love seeing that girl. She has such a fun little life for herself at school and I love hearing her stories. She sometimes makes me wish I would have gone away for college when I was her age. I said sometimes though. There is a lot of it that I wouldn't like. How she lives with 7 other girls I will never know. But she loves it. So that is all that matters.

Mom was doing better tonight. Still not feeling to great. But better than yesterday. Tomorrow we are having a big work day at her house. My uncles are coming to help and Roy is going to help so we should get a lot done. The guys are gonna work on putting a new fence up around her lagoon and Heather and I are going to mow and plant flowers so it should be productive.

I went to buy flowers tonight. I got the one's for mom's house and they are pretty. Just petunia's and geraniums right now. But they will be nice. I also got some lilly bulbs and elephant ear bulbs for my house. I'm hoping we can get all mom's flowers planted tomorrow so then I can plant my bulbs on Sunday.

I wasn't excited about the flower planting this year at all. I think with everything else going on I just couldn't go there yet. But I started walking through the greenhouse today and just got excited. So I'm ready now. All those beautiful blooms made me feel like life just goes on. No matter how much your heart hurts things just continue... So I might as well plant some flowers and make my yard pretty while I'm struggling...

Over and Out!

Jessie

Flowers

Well it's been a busy couple days. I'm oncall for work this week and had to work late last night and then it was busy at work today. So I'm worn out. I took a little nap when I got off work today for just an hour to get me through the evening.

Mom is doing really well. She actually worked in her flower bed today. When she told me that I started crying. I was afraid she wouldn't be able to do that again and I know how much she loves it. It just made my day! I am so glad she has been able to do some things she enjoys.

I'm heading to bed. Hope you all have a great day tomorrow!

Jessie

Long Post

Okay this is gonna be a long post. I haven't posted in days and I'm getting emails from people. So now I have a lot to fit in one veryyyyy long post. So go to the bathroom, get a snack and hold on tight...

Saturday

Felt sicker than a dog in the morning. My stomach hurt so bad all night and most of the early part of the day. I just couldn't get it to stop hurting. I still haven't figured out what was wrong with me. But it sucked.

Darby's sister Courtney is pregnant and her baby shower was Saturday afternoon so I went to that. It was pretty fun for a baby shower. Usually they are lame but it was a good time. And there was free soda. I like free soda! And nuts and cake. But I didn't like the cake so much. So I had soda and nuts. Yummy! If my stomach didn't hurt before that it sure would have afterwards huh....

After the shower I took black and white pictures of a very pregnant Courtney. They turned out pretty cool if I do say so myself. I will post one of my favorite ones now....



See isn't that a cool picture! I really like it. There were a lot of them that I liked but that has to be one of my favorites. I really should quit the whole social work thing and just take pictures. I would like that more!

Okay after the pictures got done I wanted to leave. I needed to go see my mom. Well you have to have keys to go somewhere! And my keys were no where to be found. We searched all over and couldn't find the damn things. So after an hour I called a friend to bring me some spares. What a pain in the butt!

So I take my spare keys and take myself to my moms. We hang out and that is fun. She is still kinda sickly on Saturday so not to great. But better than Friday. So after I've been their several hours Darby's dad calls me. They found my keys. IN THEIR BED!!! How weird is that. I swear I was not in their bed. I don't know how my keys got there. Very weird!!!

Sunday-

All I did was mow mom's yard. That is a day job. It's freaking huge. But Guillermo came out and helped me for a little bit so that was nice. I got a sun burn on my arms. Yes I used sunscreen but I still got burned. I how it doesn't peel. I hope it turns into a tan. The only payoff for all the mowing is a nice tan. That would be good.

Monday-

WORK! Actually it was a good day. One of the kids that has been on my caseload forever got an APA signed today. That is an adoption placement agreement. That is almost being adopted. We just have to finish up some paperwork and get the court to finalize the adoption and she will be done and off to a new little life. I was pretty pleased we got that done today. Made me happy on the inside.

Hung out this evening with mom. She is doing much better today. That is very good. She scared the crap out of me on Friday so she needed to get better. She can only scare me like that once a month. That is my limit. She has been advised that she can't do anything scary for another 27 days. She better keep her end of the deal.

Peace out!
Jessie

Rough Day

Mom isn't doing to well today. Had to go to the ER as soon as she got back to town. She is home now but I'm worried about her. I will post more about it tomorrow but I'm to tired tonight. Emotionally and Physically exhausted!

Jessie

Bored

I'm so freaking bored. I actually alphabetized my cook books tonight. I hate it when my mom is in Chicago. I have nothing to do! Without homework or her I'm going crazy. Thank God she comes home tomorrow. I'm going to have to go back to school soon. I can't stand not having something to do all the time. I'm used to crazy busy. Now it's just crazy. No busy.

Work has actually been slow. I can't believe I'm typing that. I'm just asking for a ton of new kids by typing that. But it has been. It's very freaky. I just know something will happen and all my cases will go crazy soon because when my job is even boring that's just not right. I missed two days of work this week for the funeral and I wasn't even behind. It only took me about 30 minutes to get caught up. That's just not the way my job is!!! EVER!!!

Better go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be more exciting.

Jessie

Home Now

Heather and I went to Rockville Indiana to be with Venus for her dad's funeral. Rockville is in Parke County Indiana. We didn't know it until we got there but Parke County is the covered bridge capital of the world. There are bunch of covered bridges. So while yes we were there for a sad occasion we did make time to take a little tour of the covered bridges. It's our dad's fault. He always made us do educational things everywhere we went. One of our favorite quotes from him is, "How many people in the world have the opportunity to see the Monet's?" We had already seen them once in Boston but he made us go again in Vegas. So we figured if he was there he would make us go see the covered bridges. We could just hear him say, "How many people in the world have the chance to visit the covered bridge capital." So we went and it was cool and we have pictures to show for it. He would be oh so proud!

The funeral was very sad. I felt so bad for Venus. She is just devastated. But she will be okay. That's the odd thing about life. Even when your heart is broken it still beats. Human beings are absolutely amazing! No matter what we just keep pushing through. I have no doubt that she will end up coming through this okay. It will be tough but she will be okay.

The trip to Indiana was a bit of a nightmare. The weather was horrible. There were tornados all around us. They kept coming on the radio and saying all these counties were in tornando warnings. But since we didn't know what county we were in it didn't help us much. We passed a silo that was laying right along the side of the road and their were billboards down all over. There were four semi's laid down in the west bound lane. It was pretty much a mess! Ignorance is bliss. It finally got dark and we decided that if a tornado came at us at least we wouldn't be able to see it before it killed us so at least we wouldn't be scared. Monday morning we watched the news and I guess there were like 60 tornados spotted all along the route we took and 25 people were killed. We were dang lucky!!! God sure takes care of us.

Mapquest gave us some really jacked up directions so we ended up going 1 1/2 hours out of the way. We were out in the middle of nowhere. And in all honesty we were scared to stop. I was afraid we might get raped and pillaged by farmers with pitchforks! So luckily half of Rockville communicated with us by cell phone and got us to the hotel in a very screwed up but successful way. What did people do before cell phones????

Rockville was an interesting little place. Heather and I ate dinner at a little cafe that had FABULOUS onion rings. We also got dinner and a show there since they had kareoke! Crazy I know. Only the two of us. I swear no one but Heather and I were under the age of 65 and they were all singing old country songs about sex. We were cracking up. Very odd.

The trip home today was a piece of cake compared to the trip there. The weather was great. Traffic was not to bad and the only problem was that the sun was burning into my eyeballs as I was driving through KC. Yippeeee nothing like driving when you can't see.

Glad we are home safe and sound. I'm hoping Venus will be able to get some rest tonight. I know she isn't feeling to great. She has got to be just emotionally exhausted. Cricket goes back to New Orleans tomorrow so hopefully she will be able to get back to her routine. Heather is back to school. I go back to work tomorrow.

Jess

Packing

Heather and I head for Indiana tomorrow for the funeral. Mom and Betty head to Chicago tomorrow for more chemo. Boy we are fun travelers. We used to go places for vacation. Now we just travel for bad news stuff. Oh how our lives have changed...

It was a beautiful day today. Windy but very nice. It actually got up to 75. I was digging that! Tomorrow I'm wearing my capri's and flip and flops. I figure if I'm riding in a car all day I'm gonna be comfy!

I really don't want mom to go to Chicago this time. For some reason I'm just really not wanting her to go. I think it's because she has been doing so good the past couple of days and I just don't want her to get sick again. It's very selfish really. But it's just the way it is.

I won't post while we are gone. So if you don't see a post till Wed. that is why. So don't start emailing all worried.... I'm just away from the computer!

Jessie