Busy

I went from a very quiet lonely house to grand central station for the weekend. Heather arrived with two of her friends Saturday afternoon. Then today Charlie, Adair, and Betty came to visit and help with some paperwork stuff! It was nice to have a full house again. I missed everyone! Stinna and Bel stopped by after they all left and then Darby came to hang out for the evening. So I can't say I was lonely today.

tomorrow I'm planning on finishing up the painting. I'm gonna tackle the living room! It's the biggest room in the house but it is the easiest one to paint. So hopefully it won't take to long. :-) Then paint season will end again. After that if I never see a paint roller again it will be to soon!

I'm gonna go play with Miss Lena

Jess

Elephants

Well obviously yesterday was a very bad day. Well really last night was difficult not really the whole day. But I cried myself to sleep and prayed like crazy. I prayed that God would send my mom to me somehow. That he would let me dream of her. Something... Well I woke up this morning and my first thought was no dream and I instantly started crying again. Shitty way to start the day.

I didn't want to do it but I promised Darby I'd go shopping with her today. So even though I was pretty down I did it. We went to Target and it was swamped. Craziness everywhere! Kids screaming, carts colliding, just people everywhere. So I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed and told Darby I was going to a different section that wasn't so crowded. So I wandered down this aisle.

As soon as I turned down the aisle it was oddly silent. I felt cold suddenly and a complete sense of calm. It was the strangest most comforting feeling I've ever had. And it felt just like my mom was standing beside me. So I turned around in the aisle and felt pulled to this bedding. It was baby bedding and it was a beautiful green, white and brown. It had elephants on it. My mom collected elephants!!!

I never in a million years would have thought about decorating a nursery in elephants. Heck I'm not even pregnant or planning on a baby anytime soon. But I felt like she was telling me to buy it. It felt like we were having a conversation without words. I actually said out loud "I'm supposed to buy it huh?" The answer was for sure yes.

So I went and got Darby and told her about the feeling and the moment and showed her the bedding. She agreed that we couldn't leave without it. That it was the sign I had prayed for. My mom came in elephant baby bedding and I bought the whole set and brought her home! Bedding, curtains, blankets, and toys. The whole set!

Before my mom died I told her how sad I was that she wouldn't see my babies. That she wouldn't be here to help me plan and she wouldn't be here to guide me. She told me that she would see them first and send a pretty one my way! So I guess she decided today that I better have bedding for when she sends the pretty one.

I know it sounds crazy and if anyone else would have told me such a story I would have laughed at them. But I'm not crazy. My mom was with me and she came and helped me. I'm not alone. I have a feeling that anytime I'm really missing her the signs will come. I'll keep waiting. It's worth it!

Jessie

Here is a pic of the bedding

Missing Her

I'm really missing my mom tonight. I just really want to sit on the couch and visit with her or lay in her bed and hold her hands or hug her or just see her for a minute. Tomorrow will be two weeks and that is a really long time for me to go without seeing her. I have never gone more than seven days and now we are double that. I just really want her back....

I did the math earlier today and if I live 60 more years I will be 86. If I live 40 more years I would be 66. And that is overwhelming. I could possibly live 60-70 years without seeing my mom. I think about that and all the things that happen in that many years and I just want to scream. I don't see why God had to take her. Everyone says she is in a better place but why can't she be here. It was pretty good with Heather and I.

What will I remember about her in 60 years... Anything? I can't imagine forgetting things about her but I will. You can't remember every detail after 60 years... I tried my hardest to memorize her the last few months. The ways she moved, the way she smelled the way she felt... But I can't remember all that. What if even my memories disappear. Then where will I be?

There are so many things I want to tell her. I want to tell her about my job interview today and about the flowers I planted. I want to hear her say she loves me. I want to tell her the funny joke I heard yesterday and have her try the new cereal I got at the grocery store. I just want her.....

Jessie

Squirrel

Well this morning I went and met Steve. Steve is the mystery "S" man from a previous post. He is the one that had the infamous "Not at this time" quote! I still see him often and we still flirt like crazy but I guess it is still "Not the right time". But anyways....

I met him and he went with me to the cemetery to visit mom's grave. I didn't want to go by myself the first time because I wasn't sure how I would react. It ended up being fine. It's actually a very beautiful drive out there. It's way out in the country and the trees are changing and it was gorgeous. There are also a ton of sunflowers along the way which I love because my mom loves sunflowers! So it was a good drive with good company and ended up being a good visit. I cleaned the old flowers off and put out some new things. Gotta keep it looking cute and clean and hip! Mom would be so proud!!!

After that we went back to his place and hung out for several hours. I always enjoy time with him. It seems like I kinda lose track of time with him. We start talking and joking around and before I know it five hours have past. We just click well... But again I'm off track here.

Steve has a ton of cats! He lives in the country and his outside cats are rather promiscuous. In fact they need an intervention of some sort really. It's insane how many kittens they have and how often! But anyways there was a new litter of kittens and I was excited to see them. I love new kittens. More so than old kittens...

So we get there and I get out and he tells me where the new kittens are and I go over to see them. And I'm going on and on about how cute the kittens are and how the markings on one are really cool. And then I notice something rather odd. I see that one is a dark brown and just not moving and then I move and look from another angle and realize that it is a dead SQUIRREL!!! Steve was horrified. I think he wanted to crawl under a rock and just die. He kept apologizing like he has some control over his promiscuous and now violent wild cats! I was just thrilled that the squirrel was dead and not just injured and angry! I would have peed my pants if it was still alive and ticked and came at me...

So that is the story of the day.

Jessie

Pinecones

It was a good day today. Very busy but very good. I got Bel and Jorgen at 7:30 today and kept them till 5:30. They keep a girl on her toes! Two is way harder than one. Jorgen is little but he is hard to juggle when Miss Bel wants all your attention. I don't know how parent's do it all the time! I didn't even get my makeup on until 4:45... Crazy!

Bel kept asking me for a job. So I put her to work. She helped me unpack DVD's and put them away and helped fold towels. Then she said she wanted an outside job that paid money! Since she isn't big enough to mow... well at least not in the US... I had to get creative. So I told her that for each pinecone she picked up out of the yard I would pay her a penny. I thought it would keep her busy for quite awhile. Well about 8 minutes later that kid brought me 264 pinecones! And then she explained that she didn't want all pennies... So I forked over the money and she was quite a happy camper... That kid cracks me up!

Went to Heather's Volleyball game tonight. They charged me $6.00 to get in the door and then she didn't even get to play. Frustrating!!! I know she hates just standing there but she sure looked cute. We went to dinner afterwards and that was cool. I had started to really miss her and I don't think she is coming home this weekend so I'm glad I went tonight.

Lena is wanting some attention so I better get...

Jessie

Bad Day

Nothing has gone quite right today. I woke up this morning to fire in my throat! I seriously thought my tonsils may be cooking in there. So I called and got an appointment with the doctor. They couldn't see me till 2:15 so rather than rest like I should have I decided to paint the spare bedroom.

I had gotten this beautiful color of paint and got right to it. Even though my throat and ears were killing me I pushed through and painted like a crazy women. It looked all good and I went to shower. I came back to check it right before I left to go to the doctor and it had dried. IT WAS HORRIBLE!!! Seriously it dried almost black. It was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. It was totally not right! It made the room look like a little cave!

So I went to my doctor's appointment and then back to the paint store. Thank God paint is cheap! I have strep throat and tonsillitis! Don't ask me how that happens... I just know that it sucks! I have a wonderful Z-Pak and some pretty new paint. I came home from my appointment and fell asleep. I slept until 9 and then got up and painted... The room is now done and it is pretty. Not dark like before. So I'm happy now.

I still feel pretty yucky but not nearly as bad. Hopefully by this time tomorrow I'll be back to myself. I'm babysitting Bel and Jorgen tomorrow so I'm not gonna do much with the house. So at least I got the spare room done... Wouldn't want to waste any time... Now I'm going back to bed!

Jessie

Busy Girl

Wow today was a busy day! I got quite a bit done. What's scary is it doesn't look like it at all. I have so much stuff just all over.... I moved my entertainment center, TV, etc. over today. I brought all my DVD's some decorations. Now I have to find a place for it all. That's the hard part!

So hopefully I will get that done before I go to bed. In the morning I'm starting on the spare bedroom.... Fun times...

Jessie

Done

Well I got the master bedroom all done today. It is painted a pretty sage color. The new bedding is on and I'm liking it a lot! I have no doubt that I will sleep well tonight!!!

Last night wasn't bad really. I think I was so worn out from the relay that I just slept through any creepy noises or whatever. Lena must have been tired to because she didn't make a peep!

Since I painted most of the day I'm beat again. Nothing like just exhausting yourself to keep from dealing with your emotions!

Jessie

Alone

Well this is the first day that I have been alone in over 7 months. Not the best day to say the least. My Dad and Cricket headed out early this morning. My aunts headed out around noon, Shawn and Amanda about 1:30 and Heather around 4:30. So I've spent the evening getting settled into my new place... It's hard to think of it as my home since it is actually my mom's. But some paint, some moving in of my things, and some time will make it mine I'm sure.

I was pretty upset when Heather left but we had a rough afternoon so I think that is why. We went through my mom's clothes to make room for mine since I'm moving them over here tomorrow. That was really hard! We miss her so much. But we saved a ton of them and the rest we boxed up. We aren't getting rid of anything yet. Just boxing it so we can make room for my things...

While this afternoon was rough tonight has been okay. Lena and I are trying to get accustomed to everything. She doesn't know what to think of such a big house! She seems impressed with all the tile floors. More to slip and slide on which she loves.

The relay last night was a success. Again that was hard! Most things are hard right now but I think that is normal. I just had a hard time as I watched the survivors lap. My aunt Betty walked as a cancer survivor so that was cool! But it was hard to watch the others. I just wonder why my mom couldn't have survived. Why did she have to die??? But I made it through the night despite the conflicting emotions, rain, cold, and little sleep. So I guess that is success!!! The total raised was close to $72,000 which is so freaking cool! That's pretty impressive for a small town I think.

Okay I'm heading to bed...

Jess

Relay

Tonight is the Relay for Life for the American Cancer Society. I took a little nap this afternoon so hopefully I will be well rested as I'm sure I won't sleep much overnight. I'm hoping it will be a fun event.

Things are a bit foggy for me lately. I just kind of feel like I'm living in a haze. Nothing really gets me very excited or very upset. Im just pretty numb and feel like I'm about 15 seconds behind all the time. People keep telling me that is normal so I'm just going with it.

I'm simply embracing what comes at this point. If I'm hungry I eat, if I'm tired I sleep. When the tears come I just cry and then move on. I'm trying not to fight the various emotions that seem to be surrounding me.

Well I better go visit with my aunts before I head to the relay!

Happy Walking!
Jessie

Finished

Well my mom's funeral and burial was yesterday. So today was the first day in a long time that I haven't seen her or had the focus of the day be on her. It's been a little rough but not as bad as I thought. I'm just so worn out so it's hard to get to worked up about much of anything.

I still have a lot of family here. Heather, my Dad and Cricket, Shawn and Amanda, and my aunts. I think people are going to start heading home Saturday. So I am guessing Sunday is when things will really get rough... Who knows though!

I have realtors coming to look at my house tomorrow so I can get it put on the market to sell. I'm moving to my mom's place. It seems like the best plan. So repainting, packing, unpacking, sorting, etc will keep me busy for awhile... I suppose that is a good thing.

Thanks so much for all the kind messages and thoughts. I appreciate that more than you will probably ever know. This whole thing is harder than I ever thought it would be. However, it's nice to know I'm not alone and that people care.

Thanks again!
Jessie

Hand in Hand

I know I said I wasn't going to post today but I just feel very moved to do so. First I wanted to show you all this beautiful picture that we had done just the other day. It's my sister and I holding my mom's hand. We have said all along that the only things that have stayed the same about our mom are her heart and her hands so this is very meaningful to us.



Also I must say thank you to Julie from Flip this Body and Bobby from The Bestest Blog. They have both posted beautiful sentiments about my mom and I on their blogs. So I encourage you to visit each of their blogs! They are two of the nicest bloggers I've ever met!!! Not only have they mentioned us but they have set up a way for other bloggers or anyone in general to make donations to the American Cancer Society in my mom's name, Dee Myers. This means so much to my sister and I!

This Friday I will be walking in the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life to raise money for a cure. I believe very deeply in ACS and the work they do! In fact the ACS provided my mom with a beautiful wig for free!! So please if you do feel moved to do something visit Bestest Blog to contribute! Again thank you Julie and Bobby!

I am hanging in there fairly well. This whole process has been very traumatic for me. So today is actually a bit of a celebration of some ways. When I woke up this morning I realized that today is my mom's first full day in heaven and that this is her first full day pain free, worry free, and medication free in a long time. That is a blessing to me. I will miss her each day for the rest of my life I have no doubt about that but she fought the hard fight and has found her way home.

Jessie

Home

My mom went home today. There is a new beautiful angel in heaven. I'm overwhelmed, exhausted, sad, mad, scared, and just plain tired. I'm not posting much more...

Thanks for all the kind thoughts!
Jessie

Worse

Mom is doing worse today. Doesn't look like she has much longer left. I'm just home to grab a quick shower and head back over to her place. My other blog Who Are We got bestest blog of the day today. So head over there and check it out!

Jessie

Downhill

My mom has really gone downhill. She wasn't able to get out of bed today and she couldn't really talk to us much. She just didn't seem to have the energy. She didn't eat or drink anything and hasn't taken hardly any medication. Hospice doesn't feel like she has very long left.

Heather came home today and Aunt Donna is still here. We have a ton of family coming in tommorow. It will be a packed house. My Dad and Cricket will be here in the morning. That will be nice. I'm ready to see them.

Gotta go to bed now!
Jess

Plumbing Gone Bad

At no point should I be a plumber! In fact when it comes to any type of bathroom repair work I just need to steer clear. I've known this for quite awhile. However, tonight I seem to have forgotten that.

Since my mom gets tired in the shower hospice brought this shower attachment and shower chair so she can sit in the shower. Great idea. Well we hooked it up in the hall bath as her bathroom wasn't done being remodeled yet. Well it is finished now. So tonight all I had to do was unscrew the shower attachment from one shower and move it to another. Simple right... Not for me....

The shower attachment had a plastic head that covered the metal piece that screwed onto the nozzle. Well as I was trying to unscrew the head the plastic broke off! So then the attachment just fell off. So then I had to unscrew the metal piece and reattach the old shower head. The whole time I'm doing this my Aunt Donna is on the phone with my Uncle Charlie trying to find out if I really screwed it up. I'm sure he is sick of us trying to fix things!

So once I get the old shower head attached I decide that I can somehow fix this shower attachment to work. So I head to the newly remodeled master bath and attach the metal piece. I then attach the broken plastic piece to the metal piece. Why I did this I do not know. I really thought I could make it work. My mom has cancer shouldn't I get a break on something... Well I attach it and then turn on the shower. It worked right for about 30 seconds. Long enough for me to feel really proud and then the water started shooting out from around the broken piece. My little project did not work. So now my mom can't use either shower. Isn't that just great! We are gonna call hospice in the morning and explain that I'm an idiot and destroyed the things that are supposed to help her and ask them to bring another one. I swear I won't attach it or unattach it or break it!!!

Jessie

Thanks

Okay you all need to visit this site! http://www.letssaythanks.com/Home.html

I think this is a really awesome idea! What you do is pick out a thank you card. Insert your name and hometown and pick a thank you message. Then the card is sent to a member of the military that is serving our country in Iraq! This is just a really great and simple way to say thank you!

My brother-in-law is in Iraq and he and his family give so much so he can serve our country. My niece Morghan and nephew Dalton have loaned their daddy to all of us. He misses their ball games, parties, bed time stories, and dinner every night so he can serve us. If they and so many other children can sacrifice time with their parents we can take two minutes to send a thank you note.

Go to the site and send a note! It will make you feel good about you!!!

Jessie

New Pics

During a break in the rain today I went out and took some pictures. All of these were taken in my mom's backyard. We transplanted the flowers from her old house to her new place so I was shocked they bloomed. But I think it's really pretty....

No Moving

Well the ticker isn't moving this week. I weighed this morning and I stayed exactly the same. I was really hoping it would have gone down a bit but staying the same is better than moving up! I should just be grateful.

It's a good thing I weigh on Sunday's and not Monday's because I ate a ridiculous amount of food today! We had the best meals at my mom's house today. Egg Casserole for breakfast, chili corn dogs at lunch, and chicken and noodles for dinner! I ate so much I hurt. I don't know why I do that! I seriously feel like I could just roll around the house.

Mom fell today. That was pretty dang scary! She got up by herself from her nap and fell in the bathroom. We always help her get around but didn't know she was up. Luckily she only has some bumps and bruises. It could have been so much worse. We have been so worried about her falling and then having it happen just really freaked us all out. What a mess!

Me

Rain

It's raining here which means Lena gets to wear her raincoat! She is not nearly as excited about it as I am. But here she is in all her rainy day glory!

What I do

Well Julie asked what I do for a living. I'm a social worker. I work in the foster care area. I actually work with families whose children are in foster care. My goal is to reintegrate children with their bio families when possible. If it isn't safe or not possible for some other reason we work towards adoption or another permanency option.

I get to do all kinds of crazy stuff! UA people, testify at hearings, write court reports, explore incredibly dirty home, I've battled roaches and rats and I'm quite good at detecting the smell of drugs or roaches from several feet away! I get to deal with some of the craziest people and some of the coolest people in the world in my opinion.

My job is crazy stressful which is why I'm grateful to be off work for awhile. FMLA is my friend. But it's pretty rewarding too. Today I testified at a hearing to terminate a parents rights to their children. Sad in some ways, really awesome in others. I know now that the kids involved have a shot at a real family now. People that will be invested in their lives. And that is pretty freaking amazing in my book. So sometimes the stress of it is worth it... The payoff doesn't come often but just enough to keep me going back for more.

Jess

Hard Working

Well went to work today! Been awhile since I had to do that. It was actually a little bit okay. I liked doing my hair and wearing my cute clothes. That part was fun. The testifying part was fun. The dealing with clients part was not fun. But it's done with and I don't have to go back anytime soon. So that is awesome.

Mom had a weird day today. She slept a lot. Like most of the day. That's not so good. But she was in a good mood when she was awake this evening and was pretty dang funny! She was cracking us up. It may be little bits of time that we get now but they are worth the wait. I just love her

Me

New Blog

Okay this blog used to be fun. It used to be funny! Then my mom got sick and I turned into a depressed freak. So I'm tired of that. But I still need a place to vent. So I'm keeping this blog. But I'm starting a new blog too. A fun blog. A place to find me again. So check it out. It's called Who Are We and the link is on the side.

Jessie

Hotter than Africa

It's so hot today! I had gotten spoiled with the couple cooler days we had. I'm so tired of the heat. I keep praying for fall!!! I really want to wear a jacket and be comfortable. I want my cute hair and makeup back. I have just given up on doing the hair at this point. There is no reason to waste the time when it gets yanked into a ponytail 20 minutes after I leave the house anyway.

Mom was pretty much the same today. Not any improvement or decline. She has a hard time staying focused but was able to talk with us today. She just seems very tired.

I actually have to work tomorrow. Even though I'm off work on FMLA I still have to go to court hearings. We have a termination of parental rights hearing tomorrow so I have to be there for that at 9:00 so I can testify. Yippee. I'm dreading having to wear real clothes! I've been living in my old navy clothes ever since leave started. I can't believe I'll have to wear something other than a tee. Yuck! I'm sure I'll make it through though.

Jessie

Good Things

Okay I'm only posting good things today...

1. Today was the official end of paint season! Everything that needed to be painted at my mom's is painted!!!! I'm done smelling paint fumes for awhile!

2. The master bathroom is finished. Completely finished! Toilet is set, vanity is in place, shower installed, painting done. FINISHED!!!

3. I was able to do all the sit-ups on my workout DVD tonight. Usually I have to skip a few but today I was able to do them all! I'm getting stronger!!!!

4. MY HOUSE IS CLEAN!!!!

5. Darbis sent me a cool card in the mail. I love happy mail!

6. I feel calmer today!

7. I was able to fill up my car today and gas was only $2.87! What a steal!!!

8. I found 74 cents in the washing machine today.

9. My cousins Brent and Sara came to visit today and they were very funny!

10. Since the house is picked up and laundry is done I'm gonna actually have time to sit and read tonight instead of trying to do not fun things!

That's it

Jessie

That Roy

Well when crisis hits Roy shows up. For you new readers Roy is my ex. We were together along time and have been apart along time. But he always seems to show up when I'm losing it. And somehow he makes it okay.

Right now he is cleaning my house like a mad man. I have been helping but I stop to take breaks and cry. But he is a cleaning fool. He came over to my mom's tonight when things weren't going so great there. I guess he is trying to fix it the only way he knows how.

My mom was really disoriented tonight. She kept saying things like ghostbusters and pointing at things that we couldn't see. I think maybe she sees angels or something. She also said that a man brought her 9 plates of flowers and that they were beautiful. Her breathing has slowed down and her hands are cold. I don't think she has much longer left.

I kept holding her hand tonight and for some reason I really thought that I could will life back into her. I can't. A part of me so wants her to stay alive forever and ever. And then that other part of me hates to watch her suffer like this and I want her to have peace. It is such a difficult situation.

Well the vacuum is attacking my feet now so I'm signing off!

Jessie

Tired

Well as you can see my ticker changed! I lost three pounds this week. That is pretty cool. I'm very pleased with that. Maybe all those workouts and all the painting is paying off.

It's been a long couple of days. I'm just so tired. My mom is doing worse today. She was really confused and just seems a bit withdrawn. Hospice seems to think if she keeps on this path she only has about a month left. Each day I think it can't get worse and then it does. What is scary is that the worst is ahead of us. I think today is bad and then in two weeks it will be even worse and I don't know how much more I can take.

I don't know how to explain how tired I am. It's not just like being sleepy. It's not like my muscles are worn out. It's like my heart is tired. It's like every day it gets pushed to the breaking point and shatters more each day and then I spend the whole day trying to wish and pray and think hard enough to rebuild so it can break again the next day. And it's exhausting. It's like someone is sucking all the love and life and laughter out of my very core. Like who I am is disappearing and I don't know if I will find her again. I liked me before and I'm scared I won't ever be me again.

I can't seem to get it together enough to clean my house. And I know to some people a clean house isn't a big deal but to me it is HUGE! If my house is out of order it is a clear indicator that I am out of order. And I sit here and look around and I know how to fix it and pick it up and I just can't do it. It's the one thing I really need to do and I just can't seem to do it. And I don't know why. I start and then stop. I think of something and then forget. I just want to clean my house and I can't even seem to do that...

And I'm covered in paint. I need to go shower and clean up so I can go back to my mom's. I ought to take a nap first but I probably won't. Sleeping doesn't seem to make me untired anymore.

Jess

Much Better

Oh today was a much better day! I had breakfast with my mom and she was feeling much better today. Having the pain under control makes a big difference. After some time with her this morning I headed out for a day for me!

I got my hair done. My red is back!!! I love it. It's just beautiful and perfect and just the way I like it. My girl had been on maternity leave for what felt like 2 years so it has been a way long time since I've had my highlights done. I'm digging it.

Then I had a dentist appointment. Boo on that. I hate the dentist. But ya gotta go or your teeth rot out so I went and no cavities.

Then I went and got a hot stone massage. That is a little bit of heaven right there! I feel like I really got relaxed there for a bit. Like I didn't think about anything! Just pure nothingness. I like that. I should get that done once a week. When I when the lottery I will do that!

I want to thank Rob and Justin for the nice comments. I appreciate your prayers!

Jessie

Rough One

It has been on heck of a day. Very emotional today! My mom and I had a long talk this morning about the possibility that she won't beat this cancer. We talked about heaven and how much we love one another and how much I still need her. It was emotional and hard but I guess it's time we face this.

Then this afternoon she had a lot of pain and got upset. I hate seeing her cry so I was pretty much a mess too. I just wish I could help her somehow. I feel like she is being tortured. How horrible it must be to have your mind and heart so want to be alive and have your body turning against ya. I just want to dig up a magic wand somewhere and make it okay for her.

This whole thing just sucks!

Jess

Urgh

I'm so overwhelmed today. It's just been one of those days. Lots of people have called and visited today and I've spent a lot of time talking about my mom. I love my mom and I love talking about her but repeating all the same news over and over is exhausting. I don't know how to answer people now when they ask how she is.

If I say not good I sound pessimistic. If I say it was a good day it sounds too optimistic. If I say she is hanging in there it's like she is hovering close to heaven. What in the heck do I say????? She has pancreatic cancer, how good do you think she is?

This whole thing is just so odd. Today she got a wheelchair. To many places don't have them and we just needed one for her so she can actually go out when she wants. So hospice brings the wheelchair and they show us how to use it. The Donna and I try to get the thing in the car. What an ordeal! That wheelchair has more levers and knobs and we didn't know what we were doing. So much for the lesson. When the hospice lady did it it looked way easy! We finally got it figured out and loaded and it worked today so mom could go to the mall. But it made me think of all the things we have learned in the past 6 months. Who would have ever thought a year ago we would be doing the things we are doing. I've learned more in 6 months about medical things, financial things, remodeling, and life in general than I feel like I have my whole life prior. CRAZY! No wonder my head hurts so much!!!

Me

Coat

Oh my goodness it was so cool today! It was just beautiful out. I mowed mom's yard today and it wasn't miserable. It was such a change I almost put my coat on! I am so used to the heat I just didn't know what to do!!!

I found this cool site that I think folks need to check out. It is www.realage.com Really a neat site. You fill out this survey thing and it tells you what your real age is versus what your calendar age is. Like my calendar age is 26.1 and my real age is 26.9. Then it gives you a list of things you can do to reduce your real age. It is really awesome!

On a side note my new bra is AMAZING!!! I feel like a new woman today. I look slimmer, my clothes fit better, my back doesn't hurt and I have perkier boobs! What a great thing!!!!

Jessie

So Strange

Darby and I went to Topeka today to shop. So many strange things happened. It really was a weird day!!!

Strange Incident #1

We go to Dillard's to get bras. There is this little sign that says that 85% of women wear the wrong size bra. So to prove I'm not in the majority I get sized. I have forever worn a 40DD. Well the little bra sizing chic tells me oh no I'm supposed to wear a 44G!!!! What in the world. I didn't even know they made bras that big! You could carry a small child around in a bra that big. It is just all wrong. But I bought one and it's comfy and my boobs actually look smaller in it. AMAZING!!!!

Strange Incident #2

Darby needs a cartridge for her printer. We look at best buy and they don't have it. But they tell us about this discount ink place that has them. We go there. It was way weird. The guy was really creepy and said some odd things. And it just felt all wrong. We are thinking that the cartridge sales are a cover for some shady dealings there. Seriously I'm thinking they are running prostitutes or shooting pornos in that place. I'm never going there!!!!

Strange Incident #3

Driving home from Topeka the Jeep starts making this weird noise. It's a squealing obnoxious sound. Darby says that it's the back hatch but it was all kinds of loud. It was annoying the heck out of me so she turned the radio up all loud like. But the noise got louder too. It was like it was in competition with the radio. I think her jeep is alive and upset about something.

Strange Incident #4

I got Lena a raincoat at Old Navy. Yes I know dressing dogs is weird. I always swore I wouldn't do it but she hates to get wet. So I got her the coat. I put it on her tonight and she HATED it. I guess she doesn't understand that it will keep her from getting wet. She just really hated it. But it looked way cute on...

Strange Incident #5

Darby and I got a new dance workout DVD today. We thought it looked really cool. We tried it tonight. It is anything but cool! It was way fast and hard to follow and I finally gave up and just did the two dances I know. The Sprinkler and the Robot. Darby started laughing so hard at me that I thought she was gonna pee on my floor! So we gave up on the video and just laughed the pounds off tonight. I think it was a good workout.

Over and Out

Jessie

Kid Pics

I've taken some cute kid pictures lately. Jorgen, Bel, and Caden are easy to get pictures of. Photogenic children!!! Aren't they adorable....I just love them!

Forces of Nature

I'm really beginning to believe that there is some force working against me. Why is it that nothing ever ever ever goes according to plan. The simplest thing turns into an event!!!

This morning I just wanted to get up and mow my yard. That of course turned into a whole saga that is to lame to post. However, I will tell you that the thing that shoots the grass out fell off the mower. I didn't think this was too big of a deal. I thought I would finish the yard and then reattach it. Well it's a big deal. When that isn't on there the grass shoots right back at ya. And with it comes acorns! An acorn flew out of the mower at about 850 miles per hour and slammed into my head! I really thought blood was going to be involved. So of course I stopped and reattached the thing immediately. Aunt Donna seems to think I should wear a helmet to mow! Now that would be cute. It's already a scary enough site when I mow but a helmet would make it all the better....

Went to Sutherlands, the hardware store tonight. Went with Mom, Donna, and Betty. They were having a big 20% off thing tonight so we were armed with a list of stuff for the house. It was gonna be an in and out quick like trip. Well no! Everyone in town must have been there! And could we find anything????????? Mom seems to believe that anyone wearing a blue shirt works at Sutherlands so she kept asking random people where things were. Then Tom, our bank president, stopped to talk to mom. He just asked if she was finding everything she was looking for. Making small talk. Well Donna took that and ran with it. She asked him about a million questions and finally we had to yell that he doesn't work there! We can't go anywhere. I swear every place in town must see us and cringe. What an ordeal. And why in the hell does that place not have air conditioning? It had to be 110 in there. So not only was it crowded but it was hotter than Africa. By the time we left there everyone was in a grumpy mood!

It's just been a wonderful day! I can't wait to get up tomorrow and see what crap is gonna come my way.

Jessie

Update

Well it's been a week on the workout plan! I have worked out twice a day all week and I've been doing manual labor at my mom's house all day everyday this week so I was just sure that it would be a BIG loss this week. I was wrong! When I weighed two days ago to get a feel of where I was at it said I gained two pounds. I was pretty disappointed. But when I got on the scale for weigh in today, my official day it was one pound down. Not what I was hoping for but I'm moving in the right direction. Yippee!

I've also added a few more sites in the sidebar. Gardening 1 on 1 is a great site. You all know how much I love to work in my flower beds, etc. This site gives great tips! Check it out!!!

I've added Chaos Index. This is a great blog with AMAZING pictures!!! This guy is good! I really enjoy it.

And Aspiring Comedian is all sorts of funny. If you need a laugh that is the blog to hit!

This week off work hasn't felt like down time. My mom's bathroom is for the most part done. Done as far as what I can do. The wall paper is striped the paint is on. Now the closet has to be built, the toilet set and the vanity set. After that I'll do some touch up but no big deal for me.

I'm hoping next week will be more relaxing. I don't know if that is going to happen though. This is all just really stressful! Heather did come home to visit with mom this weekend. That is nice. Even though she comes home and all my aunts are there I still feel very alone. I have a hard time processing all that is happening to my mom and how it is going to change everything. Some days I seem okay and get through the day. Other days it all feels new again and I'm a mess. I don't know that I will ever adjust to this!

I still pray every day for a miracle. I beg God to make her better. Let me wake up and go to her house and have her be 40 pounds heavier, working in her yard and not taking medicine! But I don't think God is going to do that for us. Sometimes we don't get what we pray for. I suppose we get what we need though and that will have to be good enough...

So that's my week. Kinda crappy folks.. I'm not in too great of a place. Wish I could make it all pretty and funny but I don't have the energy today.

Jessie

Ringing

Well yesterday I admitted defeat with MCI. I spent another 45 minutes trying to get things straightened out with them and they were again no help. So I gave up and called AT&T. Amazingly I didn't have any hold time and immediately my call was answered by a nice English speaking man. He wasn't able to help me but he connected me with a person that could. Only had to wait about 30 seconds to get connected with the most helpful girl in the world Natalie.

Miss Natalie was shocked at my horror story and said she would be more than happy to help me! In less than 15 minutes she set me up with a new phone account, was able to reinstate the old number and told me to have a good day! I did because of her!!! She told me it would take 3-5 days for the phone to get working which I was fine with. MCI had told me 10-15. So I was thrilled at the idea of 3 days!

Well today at 2:15 the phone rang. In 24 hours AT&T did what MCI couldn't do in 20 days! How amazing is that. The phone rang and I excitedly answered. I couldn't wait to see who the first call would be from. And to my amazement it was account services at MCI!!!!! I about fell over. The gal did speak English and she told me that it had come to her attention that I had switched my service to another provider and she wanted to know what they could do to get me back as a customer!!!!

Oh Lordy! She had no idea who she had called! I explained that I tried for 20 days to keep my phone service with MCI. I explained that I had talked with 5 different supervisors, 7 different regular employees and wasted 500 cell phone minutes BEGGING MCI to connect my service. I advised in a not to nice way that I had gone out of my way to stay a customer of MCI and they didn't want a thing to do with me. So I was pretty surprised that she wanted to help me now...

She of course apologized and said she would do whatever it took to get me back as a customer. Regretfully I declined her offer. Never again will I do business with MCI! What idiots!!!! AT&T RULES!!!

Jessie

Exhausted

I'm so worn out tonight. I worked out two times today which is plenty. But I also spent the day stripping wallpaper at my mom's house. This is the last room! But it's a mess. People really should not be allowed to wallpaper. It's so hard to get it off. I'm guessing I burnt a ton of calories today so I should be thrilled. But I'm to tired to get excited at this point...

I'm gonna limp to bed

Jessie

MCI

MCI is the devil. They must be the worst phone company in the world. I'm so frustrated with them!!! I called two weeks ago to have mom's phone transferred to her new house. I had to wait 1 hour and 18 minutes to get a person that day to spend 5 minutes on the phone with me to arrange the transfer. The fool I talked to then said that it would take 10-15 days to complete the transfer. I explained that was ridiculous so he said that he would expedite it. However, the 15 days was today and still no phone!!!!

So I call today. I wait 31 minutes and get a person. I explain why I am calling and they inform me that the CANCELED her service instead of transferring it. I explain that they need to turn it back on and transfer the number. I won't even go into all the bullshit they told me on that first 1 hour call but it was a lot. It ended with them saying they would put the work orders in and call me back.

At 8:15 they called me back. They told me that since I was establishing new service they had to run a credit check and it would be three days!!!! WHAT? I again explained that they made a mistake and canceled my service that I didn't. For some reason even if they screw up they make your wait. Then as if my blood pressure wasn't high enough this fool tells me that after three days IF I'm approved then they will put in the move order and it will be working 10-15 days from then. I thought my head was going to blow off at this point!!!

So because the people are so super smart that work at MCI I talked very loudly and very slowly to try and explain to them once again. If they accidentally shut off the phone then why would they need to transfer the line. If the number is shut off then they just need to reassign the number to me and the new address. If the phone is disconnected the number does not need to be transferred. She thanked me for my loyal business with MCI and tried to hang up!!! Then I lost it. Since I'm pretending to be my mom to do all this I started yelling. I yelled that I have cancer and have to have a phone and that they are basically idiots that screwed this up and I want to know what needs to happen so I can have a phone in the next 48 hours. She told me to call back tomorrow.... We went around and around about another 10 minutes until I knew I just had to stop or really my head was gonna just come right off.

I'm not calling them again. What I'm doing is calling another phone company and they can make it right. I'm never doing business with MCI again and neither is my mom! And my recommendation to all of you out there is to never do business with them either. I think they must all be dumber than a box of rocks! And what is with no one speaking english. I swear I talked to 4 different supervisors with MCI today and not a one of them spoke English clearly. This isn't usually an issue for me but if you are gonna try to screw me over at least do it clearly! I don't want to have to decipher your broken up lying words while I try to figure out how to fix my own problem that you seem unable to fix even though you work in "customer service".

I'm taking some extra happy pills tonight....

Jessie

Bum

Today is my first day not working! I thought I'd be an unemployed bum but that didn't happen. I got up and worked out! See I'm sticking with it!!! Then I had a flat tire so I dealt with that. Then I went to mom's and painted her laundry room. I came home and played with the dogs then went to a meeting about Relay for Life and then went back to mom's to water her plants and hang out for awhile. So I think I'm gonna be okay in the busy department even though I'm not working....

The Relay For Life meeting was awesome! I'm the team captain and our team name is Dee's Diva's. We of course are walking in honor of my mom! I'm really excited about this. Not only is it a great way to honor her it's a great way to raise money for American Cancer Society. And we all know that money means research and research means a cure! We need a cure!!!! So if I can do anything to help get it there I will do it. I figure if my mom can fight like she is then I can walk and raise some money. I really think it will be a lot of fun.

Over and Out
Jessie

What a Day

Today has been quite a day. I got a lot done around my house! But then I didn't really have an option. When I woke up this morning Lena had shredded a bunch of Kleenex. Like an entire box. She also drug all the shoes out of my closet. I even took pictures...
That was a nice way to wake up. So I had to clean up that mess and if I was doing that I might as well keep going. So my house looks halfway decent already. That's a good thing.

Spent the late afternoon and early evening at my mom's house. We had a good talk today. It has been awhile since we have been able to really talk. Sometimes she is too tired, or her meds are screwed up or it just doesn't happen. But tonight we got like a straight 10 minute period to just talk. It made me feel a little better about some things.

I'm going to mediate for the dogs. Here are the two of them actually attempting to play nice....



Me

Girl Fight

There's gonna be a girl fight... That song is the soundtrack of my week with the dogs. Lena and Izzie so do not get along. Izzie is such a good dog and Lena is so very BAD!!! Lena just pushes and pushes and Izzie gets ticked. At 5:00 this morning Lena woke me up freaking out. She wanted to go outside..... well she pretended she did. Actually she just wanted to get up and bug Izzie.

Izzie has a long tail. Like lots of hair on her tail. It looks like a ponytail. Lena LOVES hair. She thinks it is her job to yank it and eat it and take ponytails out. She is constantly pulling mine and it hurts. Well she went after Izzie's hair. But Izzie's ponytail doesn't come out. It's attached to her butt. So there was quite an ordeal over that. I try to tell Lena it's not nice to pull people's butt hair but she doesn't listen to me. Naughty dog...

So now it's been almost an hour I've been up. I ought to just stay up at this point but I'm not really wanting too. I'm pretty tired. I think the lung pain situation still has me a bit wiped out. But I don't know if either of them are going to quit barking long enough for me to go to sleep. Good times around here!

Me

Order

Well my life has been completely out of order since February when we found out my mom had cancer. My house is chaos, my schedule is chaos, my job is chaos, my heart is chaos and my health is chaos. I'm tired of it. So this morning when I woke up I decided I'm reclaiming a little bit of my life.

So this is the plan. FlyLady is back on duty. When I do flylady the house always looks so much better, I spend less money, and feel more in control. So that is a must! Starting today I'm doing it and doing it right.

My schedule will probably still be hectic but I don't have to go to work anymore. My last day was Friday and I'm on leave now so that is it. That means the work chaos is out the window and I should have much more time to focus on my mom and stuff around my house and my life. Amazing!

My heart being so screwed up may not change for a long time. It's pretty broken right now. Going through all this is pretty heartbreaking and overwhelming. But I'm hoping that the time I have to spend with my mom will help that some.

My health is the big thing. I have to get my blood sugar and blood pressure under control. The only way I can do that is diet and exercise. Darby and I have been walking but I'm stepping it up. There is no reason that I can't work out in the mornings now since I don't have to work. I can work out in the morning on my own and then walk with Darby in the evening. And I got out all my diabetes diet books and I'm going to start following it again. For breakfast and lunch at least. Dinner is always at my mom's house and is usually pretty healthy anyways.

So with the changes I'm making around the house I've decided I ought to change up my site a bit. I've added some great blogs that I'm reading in the sidebar. You can click them and check them out. Flip this Body is a great site. Julie is blogging her weightloss journey and is quite the inspiration. I like that she is so accountable. I'm motivated now. I even added a weightloss ticker at the bottom of my site. That way I know that you all know if I'm losing or not. I'll update it every week with my progress. Maybe the accountablity will keep me focused.

23 and Counting is a very fun site. She always has cool topics and is pretty fun. Life According to Me is my friend Laci's site. She doesn't update very often but I keep checking in hoping she will get on the blogging bandwagon fulltime. :-) Hint Hint Girl!!! I've also added a link to the FlyLady site so you can check it out and get motivated too!

That's what I know...

Jessie

Lung Pain

I've got a pain in my lung. Actually it's pretty much my whole chest and goes down one arm. When it started I thought it was a heart attack. It's not. The doctor says my heart is fine. I do however have pleurisy. Now that is a fun thing to have. So now I have a pain in my lung, steroids to take, an antibiotic to take and pain killers that don't work. So that is thrilling.

Who would know that pleurisy could hurt so bad. Who knew that people actually get such a thing. I'd never heard of it before. I wish I still hadn't heard of it. It's no fun. When I take deep breaths it hurts more so every once in awhile I take a breath and then have to grab my chest. It freaks people out. That is kinda funny. I did it twice at Wal-mart while I was waiting on my scripts to get done. Nothing like scaring people at the Wal-mart. Good times.

I'm gonna try to sleep. But the steroids make me all kinds of wired. In fact I may just repaint my house. I feel like I could get it all done in one night other than the sharp pain when moving or breathing. That's what is really cruel. The steroids make you all wired and the pain is debilitating. So it is much like going 100 miles and hour in one spot. In kinda riding a stationary bike like I'm Lance Armstrong. Lotta power not a lotta movement.

Night all

Jessie

Adoption Day

Today was the coolest day I have ever had at my job! A little girl that has been on my caseload since she was just a little thing was adopted today. She is 3 now and adorable! It was the most amazing thing I've had the opportunity to be a part of. She is the whole reason I've hung in there and waited to take FMLA. I really wanted to be there to see her get a permanent family.

I got her a gift and a gift for her parents. They are amazing people. I'm really going to miss seeing them. We were all saying our goodbyes and exchanging contact info for the future and her mom and I were both crying some. She kept saying "no crying, it's my day." Her entire extended family was there. It was like 30 people and just really awesome to me. I'm adopted and it's the coolest thing in the world. I think it's pretty neat that I had the opportunity to help her get that in her life. So worth the crap I put up with every day at that job. It may take 2 1/2 years to get the pay off but I got it today. I'm a happy girl.

Jessie

Dog Days

What a day! Darby, Chris and Caden left for their first family vacation today. So their adorable dog Izzie came to stay with me. Lena doesn't quite know what to think of this.... So far we have learned a few things...

1. Lena has no boundaries.

2. Izzie has boundaries and gets real pissy when Lena doesn't respect them.

3. Izzie's food gives Lena the poopies...

4. Lena's food gives Izzie the poopies...

5. My lap cannot hold two dogs at the same time.

6. When dogs fight on my lap I get lots of scratches

7. Izzie can kick Lena's butt

8. Lena really likes me

9. Lena doesn't like it that Izzie likes me

10. Izzie knows more tricks than Lena does

Good times around here!!!

Jessie

No Fix

I really thought "S" would call today or do something today to fix it. I thought he would call and say what a fool he was and that he did have the time. But he didn't. So it's not a bad dream. It's real. I'm a fool.

And you know what I don't even care. I'm not embarrassed. In fact I'm glad I did it. I never do that and I did. So now I will never have to wonder what if about this. I put it out there and did my part. So that's good and he can do whatever. Maybe he will come around maybe not. But I'm in a much better spot knowing today then not knowing yesterday. Does that make sense?

Work today was long and hard. I was really going to try to hang in there until mid August but Friday is going to be my last day. I'm going to take my FMLA starting Monday. That way I can be with mom and focus on what is really important. I burn up to much energy there that I could be focusing on her. And she is my most important priority. I can work anytime, I can only have this time with my mom now. I have 12 weeks to take and then I can go back and work for the rest of my life if I want.

So that's my plan. Sounds like a good one right??? I sure hope so....

Jessie

Fool

I'm a total idiot! I think I did the dumbest thing in my life tonight. If there was a hole in my yard I would crawl in it!!!

I've had this friend for a long time. Actually he is pretty much friends with my entire family. Let's call him "S". Well everyone has been telling me for well months that "S" really likes me. And I've kinda secretly liked him for a long time too. We kinda flirt and joke but never say much about it. But like the last two weeks I'm just sure he really likes me.

Honestly the last couple weeks I've really thought about it and there are a million reasons that I should be with "S" and so few reasons that I shouldn't. In all honesty I think I could be with him forever. Like I almost thought I really might love him. Crazy I know!!! Such a stupid girl.

I never trust anyone and I totally trust him and I feel real with him and safe with him and so I decided that enough was enough and I would just tell him. I don't know why today seemed like the day to do that but it did. So I get in my car and drive to his place and just spill my guts. I tell him everything! I'm not sure driving there what his response will be but I'm thinking it will be okay. He may be nervous but I'm just convinced he really likes me too. Everyone says he does. So I tell him EVERYTHING! I just start rambling like a fool and don't stop.

And what does he do.... He laughs!!!! He LAUGHED!!!! And then he said "Now is not the time." WHAT??????? Not the response I thought I'd get. So I say I'm leaving and we just need to forget that I said any of this. And he says "No we don't need to forget it, just not at this time." Again WHAT?????????????? I totally work up the nerve to tell you everything and you say it's not the time. Oh yes indeed it is the time. We have been playing this stupid game for years. It's past the time. I'm an idiot! So I'm home now and I've only puked once. I guess that is good. I'm gonna go to bed now and pretend that in the morning this will have all been a bad dream...

Out
Jessie

To Death

Some people are scaring me to death. I was sleeping peacefully and my doorbell starts ringing. Not once, Not twice but three times!!! Ringing like crazy, all types of loud. Lena is going nuts attacking the door. I'm trying to just wake the hell up. It's 1:45 and I've had a couple mudslides. Things aren't so clear... Is it my dream or is it real. Sleepy time fog and loudness and dogs barking.

It's real. My dang sister and her friends. They left their purses at my house before they went clubbing. They came to retrieve the purses. Not be attacked by a freaked out little dog. But attacked they were. So they left quickly, I'm not sure why they left... We try to make folks feel welcome. Me all dazed and half awake yelling at Lena who is barking and jumping and doing that excited pee... Why would you wanna leave such a happy little home... God I think we scared them to death!!!

Night

Jess

Suburban Super Hero

I'm the suburban super hero today! I solve middle class white girl problems. I don't have a cape or a crown but I have XM radio and a super cool cell phone. It's quite impressive to see me in action....

My first mission of the day came mid morning when I received a call about a fax machine hook up problem. I dropped everything and drove right within the speed limit to my mom's. In a few quick moments with just a minimum number of curse words I installed the fax machine, hooked up the caller idea and set the answering machine. Impressive I know!!! But it does get better.

Mid day brought a cable hook up crisis that once again was solved quickly by the one and only suburban super hero. I didn't even leave my air conditioned office but handled it all over the phone. Directing the cable guy to the appropriate areas of the home and instructing him to the location of the computer hookup. Yes I rock!!!

By 7 when most super hero's are off duty I quickly responded to a call for help. It seems a pack of adorable stray puppies wandered onto the patio area. While they were cute in appearance they were sneaky little devils. They took off with a shoe and a gardening glove forcing me into action. Not only did this suburban super hero save the shoe and glove but I also guided the puppies back home safely. Noble yes!

And at 9:30 I received my last desperate call for the day. A VCR had decided to be stubborn and would not record correctly. So super hero me again drove quickly yet safely to the problem area and corrected the problem. Not another day will pass without Days of Our Lives being taped for my dear Aunt Donna or my mother.

While a super hero's work is never officially done this super hero is tired. So I'm putting my cell phone on silent and turning in for the night.

Suburban Super Hero Out!

Sidewalk with No Sale

Today was the sidewalk sale downtown. Darby and I were very excited about it. I even ate lunch at my desk so I could have the whole hour to shop and have fun. The sidewalk sale is usually a huge event in town and way fun. They block off the main street through town and have tons of sales and stuff in the street. They usually have funnel cakes and food venders and the fire department opens up the hydrant so kids can get wet. It's just a good time and a ton of people go.

So Darby and I count down the hours and are all excited. We walk out onto the street and nothing. There are cars going by???? What is this. The street wasn't blocked off and nothing was happening. A sidewalk with no sale. It couldn't be... We wandered up and down commercial street and a few stores had things out but nothing good. There were no venders with food. There were no kids playing in the hydrant. There was no fun and no sales! We were so disappointed. It was the worst sidewalk sale ever!!!! I don't know what happened but it was just very wrong.

I really need a new pair of tennis shoes. Mine are worn out. All that walking is wearing them down. So I was planning on the shoe stores having big old sales and me getting some Nike Shocks cheap. Nope didn't happen. They had them $10 off and they were $90! That's ridiculous. Like I'm gonna pay $90 for a pair of shoes and think that is a sale. Absurd. So no new shoes for me. :-(

Over and Out
Jess

Survived

Well I survived my day back at work. I had so many email messages that it took me a couple hours to just get through those. So I basically spent the whole day getting caught up. So it went fairly fast.... And I didn't cry.

Walked tonight with Darby. We usually only walk about 30 minutes but tonight we went a whole hour. My legs hurt a little but it was good. I like just having the time to vent a little. Keeps me calm I suppose. Well calmer!

My Dad and Cricket went home yesterday so my house is kinda lonely. Just Lena and I now. Lena is missing them I think. She is getting so much better with meeting new people and she kinda likes people now so I think she is a bit bored with just me. She is being pretty snuggly but keeps wandering around the house. I think she thinks that they are just hiding somewhere.

Peace Out

Jessie

Back to Work

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I'm just really dreading it. It's such a hard thing for me to do. I tried to really enjoy today. Heather and I went to the pool all afternoon and I was able to relax and read. However, as soon as I got home I started getting worked up about going back. I just so don't want to do it.

I just have such a hard time at work anymore. All day that I'm there I just think why am I wasting my time here when I could be with my mom. I don't know how much time I have with her and I don't want to waste any of it. It's time that I will never get back.

And honestly I'm resentful of my clients now. I try hard not to be but I can't help it. My mom is a great mom and a good person and I don't know why she had to get pancreatic cancer. There are so many shitty mother's out there. In fact I have a whole case load of them at work. And all I can think is I'm spending time away from my good mom helping shitty mom's get their kids back. It's just not right. It just pisses me off. And I just hate it anymore.

But I'm going tomorrow. I don't know how it will go and I have a feeling it will involve crying but I'm doing it. It was hard to go back right after she was diagnosed and I did it so I'm hoping I can do it again. I just have to keep telling myself that it will be okay... Somehow I will start believing it.

Jessie

Well Rested

Mom's move is over. We got all the moving done on Saturday. All of the major things were unpacked and put away. In fact the Dining Room was almost completely decorated by the end of the day. And the kitchen was complete. Heather and I worked on the living room yesterday. The house looks very good. And mom loves it so that makes it all okay. It was so worth the hard work to have her be happy there!

Yesterday we hung out at mom's for a bit working on some things. Then Dad, Cricket and I all took a nap in the afternoon at my place. We were pretty sleepy and worn out. Heather came over in the evening and we watched the Miss Universe pageant and ate pizza. The girl we liked didn't win but it was okay. The winner was not a bad pick. What's funny is I just read a news story that she passed out about 40 minutes after the show ended. Guess the girl got to excited about having a crown...

I went to bed about midnight but now I'm wide awake. I think the nap threw me off. So Lena and I are chilling. I don't have to work tomorrow so I'm going to breakfast with Dad and Cricket before they head back to New Orleans. I'm going to mom's for a bit after that but I really want to hit the pool for awhile. I used all my vacation time up at work to paint and clean so I really want at least one relaxing day before I go back there. I was just going to take FMLA but hospice said to wait a bit so I have no choice but to go back. So the pool and a good book is the plan to try to make my return less traumatic.

Maybe I will try to go back to sleep.

Jess

Sick Puppy

Lena is one sick puppy. She has a fever and she is hacking and sneezing and wheezing. No fun. She also has the poopies. Hopefully she will feel better tomorrow. I really don't want to try to take her to the vet in the middle of the moving. That would be a bit chaotic. But then what's new. :-)

I'm heading to bed so I can get up at the butt crack of dawn to help move. Fun times.

Jessie

Time Flies

So it's been a long time. I know. I'm sorry bout ya! I've been a super busy crazy working girl.

My mom's house is done! Like carpet is in and paint is dry done!!! I just have to sweep and mop and it will be a home. I'm happy about that!

My mom is out of the hospital. She is hydrated and her pain is under control. We more under control than out of control. It is better. I'm happy about that too!

My dad and cricket are here. Heather and I were supposed to go to Texas this week but we canceled due to my mom being sicker and the house needing to be done. So they got on a plane and came to see us. I'm happy about that three.

I hung out with Stinna, Bel and Jorgen a bit today. Stinna and Bel helped clean at my mom's place. Jorgen slept and let me hold him and spit up on me. He is little and cute. Bel is big and cute. And Stinna looks like she has never had a baby before. How that happens for some people I will never know.

Lena is doing this weird snorting sneezing coughing thing. It sounds like she has allergies. It's very odd. I don't know about that dog.

I saw two guys walking down commercial street holding hands tonight.

I saw mom's new neighbor beating the hell out of her kid in her front yard and had to call the cops on her. Good times.

I have decided that I never want to build a home or extensively remodel one again in my lifetime. It's a pain in my kiester.

I've decided that people that hang wallpaper on sheetrock without sizing it should be stoned to death.

I have decided that moving when you have cancer makes moving way harder. I wouldn't recommend it.

I've decided that having your mom move while she has cancer about pushes a girl right over the edge. I wouldn't recommend it.

I'm sleeping in my spare bedroom tonight. It's the little bed that has the lump that makes you about fall out. I don't like it but I like having my Dad and Cricket here so I am sacrificing. I'm nice like that.

I don't like that it is super hot in Kansas right now. Like hotter than Africa kind of heat.

I think I waited to long to post.

I think I'm to tired to post tonight.

I think I'm going to bed in the lumpy little bed now with a sneezing, coughing, hacking puppy.

Night folks!

Jessie

Bad Day

Bad Day! Much Crying! Can't type!!!

Jess

Pain

Oh my God I hurt so bad. Pain like I can't describe! I think the last time I hurt this bad was about two years ago when I was remodeling my house before I moved in it! 13 hours today at mom's house!!! That's a long day. I spent 11 there yesterday. At least today I can see progress. We have every room primed. Tomorrow is the big color day! Hopefully we will be able to get color on most of the rooms. Heck I would be happy if we could get the dining room, kitchen, hallway, and spare bedroom done. That would be awesome!!! Don't know if that will happen but it would make me a very happy girl.

It may take a crane to get me out of bed in the morning.

Jessie

Ugh

Mom got closed on her house. So I took the day off to clean and try to get things done there. I've been striping wallpaper for the past 5 hours. Fun times. I swear people should not be allowed to use so much wallpaper. It's ridiculous! I came home to let Lena out and grab a snack. Then I'm back at it.

Jessie

What a Day

This has been such a crazy messy day. Took Lena to the vet this morning then went to work for a bit before my Dr appointment. My appointment ended up taking a hour and twenty minutes. My blood pressure was too high what a shocker. My blood sugar is too high again a shocker and my pulse was racing. My diagnosis is stress. I'm so glad I spent that much money to have them tell me something I already know. I about passed out when they took blood and thought I was gonna have a panic attack when they were talking to me about my mom. Someone said if it was their mom they wouldn't leave town. I'm supposed to go to Texas next week. So not a good morning. I ended up talking to the Hospice nurse later in the day and she said I'd probably be fine to go to Texas. That made me feel better but I keep thinking "probably" it just makes me nervous.

So I go back to the office and I'm not there very long and get word that my mom isn't doing good. So I talk my way out of the court hearings I'm supposed to go to and head to her house. Hospice was there and she was in a ton of pain. They finally got that somewhat under control so that is good but it just scared me. I hate seeing her in pain and I hate that feeling in my gut that says that something bad is just about to happen. It breaks my heart.

Once mom is okay I get a call from Darby that her mom Donna fell at our office and had to be taken to the ER. So since mom was okay I went there. Doesn't god know we can't take much more. Like Darby and I aren't on the edge. Both mom's can't be sick at the same time!!!! We just can't have that. So we finally get to see poor pretty Donna and her face is just crunched up. She broke her nose and put a tooth through her lip and has a knot on her head. She looked a lot better than what I was expecting but she looks so hurt. I just feel so bad for her. She has had so many back surgeries so I'm really worried that she screwed her back up again. I used to call her Donna Broken Back but now she is Donna Broken Nose. Poor girl!

I go pick up Lena and just about cried. I'd been crying off and on anyway. But she looks so ridiculous. Her hair was supposed to be short on top and a long beard and legs. But it's bald on top!!! She was freaking out. She keeps covering her head. I hate it. I keep praying it will grow fast. She is just a mess tonight.

Get home from that and Aunt Donna calls me. For some reason the money from Monte didn't show today so now the closing might not happen tomorrow. Seriously I walked in the bathroom and puked my guts up! I can't take ANYMORE!!! I'm so done today. One more bad news thing and I think I would just keel over. No more bad news!!! So now I'm sitting her typing and shaking because I'm so frustrated. I will never sleep tonight. Even with happy pills.

Over and Out

Jessie

Busy Day

I've got a busy day ahead of me. I'm glad I got up early so I had a little time this morning to post. Lena Lou gets her hair cut and the last of her shots today. I'm sure tonight she will be real pretty but pretty grumpy. She doesn't like all the other dogs at the vet so I'm thinking by the time I pick her up after work she will be very unhappy.

I have a doctors appointment this morning to see about my blood sugar. I don't know what they will want to do but I thought I should at least have it checked out. Then I have CRB hearings all afternoon. Fun times! Could I cram more crappy things into one day.

We all met with Hospice last night about my mom. She agreed to let them start working with her. I think it's a good thing. They can help her so much more with pain management. It was a hard decision for her but I think it was the best one.

Better get going

Jessie

Walking Wonders

Darby and I went walking tonight. We have decided we are doing it every night at 9:00. That way it's starting to cool off and it's starting to get dark. Hopefully it will help us sleep better. And hopefully it will help my blood sugar level out again a bit. I'm having a hard time keeping it okay. Some of it is stress, some of it is not enough exercise and some of it is eating crap to often! Basically I need to take better care of me. What a shocker!!!

I was surprised how quickly the time went. My calf hurt a little bit but my bad ankle didn't. I haven't really worked out since I jacked up my ankle so I thought it might hurt but it didn't... That is a good thing! It was nice to just walk and talk and chill out a bit. I'm so stressed lately that I need that time. I just love my Darbis! Who could ever ask for a better friend?

Miss Lena needs some lovin so I better get off of here and pay attention to her before she chews my foot off.

Jessie

Random Thoughts

Okay just some random thoughts...

1. The whole space shuttle thing. They sent another one off to space. Yes I'm annoyed by this. Why do they keep shipping people off to space? The shuttles blow up and catch fire and get hit by birds and have cracks in the wings and foam falling off. Doesn't seem like such a good plan to me... And it costs a whole lotta money. Money that could be spent on much better things. Things on earth, like people, and cures for cancer, and food for the hungry. What an idea take care of things on earth before you go to space... I could be a rocket scientist I'm so smart!!!

2. Brittney Spears... I know I swore I wouldn't talk about her. I didn't type a thing when she drove around with her kid on her lap or when she about dropped him. And I didn't say a thing when she did the dateline special and looked like crap. But I have to say something about the naked pregnant magazine layout. IT IS HOT! Seriously I love naked pregnant lady pictures. In fact as most of you know I do black and white pics for my pregnant naked friends. It's just a little gift that I give. I've got some good pics but Brittney's were way HOT. Like she should only be allowed to be pregnant, naked and silent for the rest of her life. No talking, no bad parenting, no gum chewing, no air quotes, just pregnant naked and still. I was impressed!

3. XM Radio... It's the bomb. I have it now. I'm cool like that. I just sit in my car all day listening to it. I only get out of the car to pee and sometimes I don't even do that... :-) I love it! You should get it!!! Everyone should have XM. Where else can you listen to a rap song, two country songs, hear a snippet of Jerry Sienfield and get the news all in a 10 minute period! NO COMMERCIALS! Just FUN! Go buy it!!!!

4. Wal-Mart.... It's still the devil but worse. They are remodeling our Wal-Mart now. I HATE it. I went there to get dog food. It's always in the aisle after cosmetics. It wasn't there. I asked the little people with the blue vests. You know the ones that say "Can I help you?" on the back. They work there, they should help me. They didn't. They sent me all over the place. I never found the dog food. I abandoned my cart and left. A friend told me later they they found it in the lawn and garden section. That makes sense. So often when I'm planting flowers and mowing my yard I need dog food! Wal-Mart SUCKS!!!

Just a few things I know...

Over and Out

Jessie

Cute Pics

Jorgen and Stinna have been released from the hospital. So Bel is back home too and I headed back to work today after a whole week off! YUCK!!! I'm really wishing that I would have just taken today off too. Below are some pictures of Bel and Jorgen. Two of the cutest kids in the world....

Jessie

Jorgen Arrives

Mr. Jorgen Andrew Karch arrived at 7:37 this morning. He weighed 6 pounds and 4 ounces and is 19 inches long. He is pretty cute! Bel officially "loves him"!!! We went to the hospital shortly after we got the call and spent about an hour. Bel was able to hold him and love on him. She was very gentle and sweet.

After that we headed to the pool! We had a fabulous afternoon swimming and chilling. She is such a fun girl. I took lots of pictures at the hospital and at the pool so I will post more later. I need to get in the shower while she is still asleep. The pool wore her out and she fell asleep in the car on the way home!

Jessie

Baby Day

Stinna is really in labor this time around! The fireworks show really got her going. They have admitted her to the hospital and she is not leaving until she delivers!!! Bel and I are having a slumber party and trying to guess what time the baby will make his arrival.

We hung out at the hospital for awhile but after Bel put her feet in the stirrups and pretended to be pushing we decided maybe we should head on home. Though she is quite entertaining the labor and delivery floor isn't really the best place for the Bel Show. She is quite a gal. She informed me on the way home that babies come out of vaginas. That just cracked me up. She is too smart for her own good.

I'm off to try to sleep. Hopefully Adam will call soon and let me know that a baby has arrived.

Jessie

Fourth of July

Well it's the fourth of July. Just kinda another day around here. We did all of our celebrating over the weekend so now I'm just being a bum. Went out to mom's during the day and hung out. She slept a long time so Betty and I did a puzzle. Now I'm home and I'm gonna do some laundry and think about all the reasons that I don't want to go back to work tomorrow morning....

My weird neighbor guy that lives two houses down. Have I told you all about him. He is the one that yells at his kid at all the time and beats his dog. He also yells constantly. He must be hard of hearing because he doesn't talk in a normal tone. VERY LOUD ALL THE TIME.

Well he has a new friend. This single mom with three out of control kids and a nasty looking little dog moved in beside him. They are for sure my future clients! She seems to be missing all the fries from her happy meal. Dumber than a box of rocks. Well they have been talking or well yelling at one another for a couple days now. Last night Lena started going crazy at about midnight. So I got up to check things out. And loud man was yelling at dumb girl and they were making plans for a bar-be-que today. Why they were doing that in the middle of the night I do not know.

But today when I left to go to mom's they were hanging out in his yard together. Keep in mind it hasn't been mowed in 3 weeks and is about up to his waist. But they were hanging out. I think they forgot to cook the hotdogs because some of her dirty little kids were wandering around eating raw ones and throwing things at their dog. What a great family picture!!! I swear I have to move.

Jessie

Busy

It's been a busy busy weekend. I'm worn out! So not to long of a post. Went to Topeka to Charlie and Adair's house both Saturday and Sunday. Got a late start Saturday because someone busted a window out in my car on Friday Night/Saturday Morning. No good. Don't even what to think about paying that. Insurance will cover some but I'll have to come up with the deductible. Nice!

The weekend was good though. Very fun. Most of our relatives were there and it was just a good time. I'm tired so I'm signing off for tonight.

Jessie

Birthday

Today rocks! I got up and went and got my hair done this morning. The lady that did it was hilarious! I really had a lot of fun. I don't think I've ever had that much fun getting a hair cut. Went to the library after I left there. Now I'm eating a little lunch before I go get my massage. I'm so psyched. Birthdays should happen more than once a year!!!

Jessie

Birthday Party Day

Today was my birthday party day. Tomorrow is my actual birthday but all my parties were today. At work we all went to lunch at Wings and then we had a cupcake cake that looked like flowers in a pot. It was so cute. I work with the coolest people ever!

Tonight we had my birthday party at my mom's house. It was awesome. Aunt Donna cooked my favorite meal Hawaiian Chicken and we had ice cream cake. I got some cool gifts. Heather got me these cute black cube shelves for my computer room. My mom rocks! I got some candles, a fan that is way cute and retro looking, a couple of neat books, an awesome Americana basket, cookie sheets, funky bright pot holders, and XM satellite Radio for my car!!! How awesome is that! I so wanted XM. That way I can get NPR and that will make me a very happy girl.

I love my mom!!! She was really feeling good tonight and we just had a good time. I'm gonna post some pictures. Fun times!!!







Jessie

No Baby

No baby yet... That kid is stubborn. Bel and I are very ready for him to get here!!! I was really hoping to get a day off work but no. Maybe tommorow he will show up and I'll get to stay home to visit him and take care of Bel.

Baby Soon

Bel is here at my place because her mom is in labor. We are hoping that Mr. Jorgen will arrive soon. Bel is very ready for a brother and I'm anxious to hold a little baby! Maybe when we wake up in the morning we will be able to go see him...

Jessie

Pictures

I found this cool site that lets you do awesome things with your pictures. Since I didn't have any new ones to play around with I used some old ones. So you may have seen these already but I don't care. I just wanted to see what all I could do... So here are some pics from February, right before my mom started chemo, and also from Mother's Day in May... Good Times...

Hot Pager Hell

I'm on call this week and the hot pager sucks tonight! It started going off at 6:30 and I'm still working on the SAME thing 5 hours later!!!! I'm started to get tired and cranky about the whole deal. But I'm on the clock! If I'm up much later though I'm not going into the office until late. I didn't sleep very well last night because there was a storm and between the thunder and Lena freaking out there was little sleep. So two nights in a row of little sleep is not good.

Crap the thing is beeping again. I better go....

Jessie

New Office Blues

Well our new office is way different. It is really nice. It's clean and pretty. So that should make me happy. But there are no smiles there. There isn't as much joking around as before. There are more people so it's not like the close family type atmosphere. And it's just kinda weird. I can't see Donna and Darby from my office anymore. They are way far away from me and I don't like that. I can't even hear them most of the time. Just really odd!

My mom decided not to go back for chemo. She is going to a natureopathic doctor now. I'm excited for her since she is so excited. She is ready for an easier softer way. Hopefully this will provide her with that.

I'm tired! I kept waking up last night. I just couldn't sleep. That sucks. Watch though as soon as I go lay down I'll be awake again. No fun!!!

Jessie

Father's Day

Well it's Father's Day. My Dad is in New Orleans so I didn't get to see him. But I talked to him on the phone. He doesn't read my website but Cricket does so hopefully she will make him read this post... These are the Top Ten Reasons I think my Dad is pretty cool...

1. He loves me.

2. He doesn't judge me even though I make choices that are so different from what he would choose.

3. He is a "crafty bastard". Yes he will know what that means and I don't care if anyone else does.

4. He sends money when I need it and he doesn't even give me the be responsible lecture anymore.

5. He would drop everything and come home if I asked at anytime! He has done it before and I know he will do it again.

6. He treats my mom nice even though they aren't together. That means the world to me!!! When I was a kid he had this plaque that said the best thing a dad can do for his children is love their mother. That is very true. Just being kind and respectful is worth so very much!!!

7. He can fix EVERYTHING!!! He can be in my house like 20 minutes and fix 10 things. That is so cool.

8. He has made sure that I have seen the Monets twice in my life! Who can say their dad has done that. He made sure he raised us kids in a way that we could be comfortable and acceptable in a museum or a McDonald's and that is something not enough parents pull off.

9. He is pretty damn funny!

10. He always takes us kids cool places. He has made sure we have traveled and I love that. Whether it is Vegas, Texas or a ghetto in Boston we have been there and had a great time!

That's what I know. I love you Dad and I hope that today was great for you!!!!

Jessie

Good Day

It's been a good day. Slept in a bit this morning. That was nice! Went to Bel's b-day party for a little bit this afternoon. She is going to be 4 on Thursday. That seems so very wrong to me! She looked adorable today. I forgot my camera!!! How in the world did I do such a thing??? She is turning into a little girl instead of a toddler. It's pretty amazing to watch.

Hung out with Mom, Betty, Donna and Heather for awhile this afternoon. Mom looked good today. Last night was pretty tough for her I guess but today she was doing good. I'm always amazed by her!

Tonight Heather and I went to Topeka for dinner with my G-pa and G-ma Wagoner, Tom & Phyllis, Steve & Jane, Bryan & Meg, Rob & Angela and baby Alex. It was a good time. My grandparents anniversary and my Grandpa's b-day are next week and with Father's day tomorrow we decided to have a little celebration. Very good to see everyone. Alex is getting big. He is pretty fun to be around. A happy guy. And he is chubby which I just love! Babies are just pretty cute.

Heather and I of course drove home in a storm. I don't know what it is about us driving in the rain. Everywhere we go! It's crazy. But Heather is a brave driver and once again she pulled through. Hydroplaning and Hail can't stop Heather! She can drive through anything. We had a good time together. We needed a little girl time to just hang out and talk. She is pretty fun.

Lena is a big girl now. Heather and I were watching a movie after we got home and Lena jumped up on my lap while I was in a chair. She can't usually jump on the couch or chair! She has grown. I just love that! I won't love it next week I'm sure but I was so proud of her. It was like taking her first step or something. Very cool!

Jessie

Moving

Moving sucks! Our bosses made it sound like all we had to do was pack stuff and the movers would move it all and then we would unpack. That was a lie. It was pretty much a mess! Poor Darby and Donna ended up doing all kinds of crazy stuff they shouldn't have had to do. My guess is Donna won't be able to walk all weekend. Ridiculous. And we couldn't really do much work today. I wasn't even able to get on a computer to check my email until 4:45 today which pretty much sucks. But other than that it was a great day. I think it's pretty funny that today they sent us employee satisfaction surveys. Not the best day to do that!!!

We made bracelets tonight after I got off work. We got quite a few done. I guess we are going to have a booth at Olpe Down Home Days to sell them. So our goal now is to have 100 for there. Good times.

A storm is building outside so I probably ought to get off of here and take Lena out before it starts raining. She won't pee once it starts in. She is weird like that. But I can't really blame her. I wouldn't be to excited about going out and peeing in the rain either. In fact it would really make me uncomfortable. But dogs don't really have much shame. The fact that she can crap with cars driving by is so weird to me. You would think having a crowd would make her nervous but nope...

Over and Out!

Jessie