Bye Bye Christmas

Well today I had everyone from work over for lunch and staffing. Since we were without an office we made my house our makeshift location for the day. It was kinda cool. I got caught up on my logs and made enough calls on my work cell that I ran the battery out. I could handle the working from home thing. I really dig making calls while I'm laying on my bed. I'm so much more relaxed and comfortable and not angry. I think we should get one day a week like that! I might not hate my job then.

Since I had all these people coming over I decided I better take my Christmas cards down. When I got my Christmas cards in the mail from people I put them around the big door way that goes from my living room to my dining room. That way I could see them all. Well I never took them down. When anyone asked me I just said that I liked them.

The truth is that the Christmas cards were the last thing I associated with my old life. I got all those cards from people that I love before the "cancer" showed up and before Monte asked for a divorce. It's like it was the last sign of what used to be. I didn't want to let them go. Everytime I looked at them it reminded me of a happy time. So I didn't want to let them go....

But I decided it was time. So I took each of them down and looked them over and put them away. I cried a little bit even. I know it is silly but they really meant something so much more to me than the senders would have ever realized. Who would think cards could represent so much... Oh how things have changed since December...

Jessie

New Office

Well we went and took a tour of our new office today. They are moving us on Thursday. The building is much nicer than the one we are in now. Cleaner, better condition, better location. The building has two floors. The whole thing is ours but right now people are still in the upstairs. They won't be out till the end of August I guess. So they are putting us all in the basement. Not just the people in my office but also our business office people too. We have three offices in town now and they are combining us in the basement. Which means it is way small.

They have one room for like 8 of us. I don't know how it will ever work. They don't even have dividers in the room so when we are on the phones or even just talking it is gonna be crazy loud not to mention we are gonna be like sardines. I think eventually when we get upstairs it will be nice but right now it's gonna SUCK! I'm really not looking forward to it.

Well I better get off of here and finish some things up. Have a great night!

Jessie

Puppy Love

Miss Lena is just cracking me up tonight. She is so funny sometimes! What great entertainment. I got home from mom's and was trying to work out and I guess she didn't like it too much. She kept barking and howling at me and the TV screen. I'm thinking she doesn't like my workout video...

After I got done with that I took her outside to play in the backyard. I can't leave her alone out back because even though it is fenced there are some gaps in the fence she can fit through. So I have to watch her and she was ready to play tonight. We played fetch for quite awhile and then chased one another and then practiced sitting. But she was too excited for sitting so we just played some more. Before I knew it 40 minutes had passed and she was another workout in a cute little package. I just love that.

But she really killed me when I took her out front a minute ago. I was talking to the neighbor and heard a rustling sound and turned and looked. There was little bitty Lena dragging a huge tree branch through the yard. She loves sticks but this was no stick! It was HUGE and had leaves on it and it was so much bigger than her. She was a girl on a mission and didn't want to give it up. She wasn't happy when I made her leave it outside.

She is such a joy. Who knew what a wonderful little buddy she would be. Well I guess Darby did. I'm so glad she made me get her! I just love her so much!!!

Jessie

Ignoring Monday

Tomorrow I have to go back to work. I'm kinda ignoring that. I don't wanna go. This has been the best weekend I have had in awhile and I just don't want to go back to the yuck of the work week. It's so bad when you start dreading work on Sunday afternoon! I wish I could take tomorrow off.

Today was great. Two great days in a row is so awesome. That hasn't happened in a really long time! In fact I can't remember the last time. A lot of our family came to visit today. We had a great lunch together and then everyone went to look at mom's new house. She is so excited and that is thrilling to me.

I got some work done around my house this afternoon and then had some time to chill with the girls and just relax and make some bracelets tonight. I'm addicted to the bracelet making I believe. Our new goal is to get a bracelet in each of the 50 states. We have hit 10 already! So if you know anyone outside of Kansas you just have to get them a bracelet! Leave me a message and I can send them out!

Jessie

Good Times

What a great day! I actually slept in a bit this morning. That was nice. I really needed some sleep. Mom called and woke me up and told me there was a house we needed to go see. So we went. It's great! Just what she needed. So she bought it. Yep, she made the offer, they accepted. It's gonna be hers. I'm so happy for her! I really think it will be great for her.

After the house buying Heather and I went to Olpe and got boxes. Then Betty and I worked on the puzzle and for some reason Heather decided to pack pretty much everything downstairs at my mom's! Seriously she isn't moving for a month and a half and that girl just packed it up. Betty and I got up from the puzzle and it looked like we had been robbed. I think Heather is really excited.

It was such a relaxing, stress free day today. Mom was in such a good mood. Really happy! I haven't seen her happy like that in months. Very cool! For the first time in weeks I wasn't tired. That was sooooo nice. Lena was super good today. She didn't bite Heather's toes once! I'm so proud of her. Just a good relaxing day! The only thing that would make it better would be a fantastic drink and time to read a good book. Maybe I could cram that in before bedtime...

Jessie

Almost Friday

Thank God tomorrow will be Friday. I need a weekend. I need a break... I really need to take a trip far far away!!! Someday I will do that. Not this day but someday.

Today was better than yesterday. Hopefully tomorrow will be better than today. Still not good but not so bad...

I'm tired and so is Lena. Off to bed for us!

Jessie

I'm hanging on the edge. I don't know if I can take much more. The past two weeks have been so horrible for me. Watching my mom hurt is just too hard. It's unreal. It would be one thing if it was just the cancer. Cancer is a thing. It can't be blamed really. It can't be controlled.

But when other people hurt her it makes me insane. Watching her cry because her feelings are hurt and she is scared and angry and tired is too much. Knowing that someone is just trying to inflict pain on her and make this all more difficult is to much. It makes me crazy inside.

Cancer is enough but this whole separation thing and division of property crap is unreal. Why Monte won't let it go is beyond me. Why can't he just let her have some peace. He didn't want us. He sat there in the living room in December and said HE wanted a divorce. He made the decision that he didn't want us. Didn't want to be a part of OUR family. So why does he act like he is trying to be this great person when in reality he is only hurting us all more???

Why if he doesn't want to be with us does he call and stop by and talk about the stupidest crap in the world... Who cares about his friends, his kittens, the weather. We are dealing with real life and real issues and we don't give a damn. Don't rub it in our faces that you have moved on to some lovely little stress free life while we try to muddle through the shit he causes... How can he say he ever loved us and gave a damn about us when he can do the crap he is doing???

I've become this bitter nasty person when it comes to the idea of marriage now. Why would I ever allow myself to get in a situation where someone could turn on me at my worst moment and attack me? Screw that. That's what sperm donors and adoption are there for. So I can still have kids and not put up with that risk. There is no way I will ever allow myself to be dependent on a man for ANYTHING!!! I may marry someone someday but I'm certain that I'm working the whole time and I'm not letting him touch my money. I will never depend on someone else for insurance or support of any kind. The moment you trust someone enough and allow them to take care of you for even a moment then they have the power to ruin you. No one is going to do that to me. My mom trusted him and he has turned that trust around and attacked her. It will not happen to me.

Well I'm obviously in a very pretty little place. I'm just all cotton candy and pretty flowers tonight huh... What a downer. I shouldn't have written all that and I shouldn't post it but I'm going too. I'm tired of trying to sugar coat it and be nice. I'm tired of being politically correct and trying to be tough. My whole world is crumbling around me and no one can do a thing to help me. I might as well just call it as it is. CRAP!!!

Jessie

Crazy Day

Well bad things happened today. It included my mom sobbing, me being tough and then hysterical later, and much drama in between. I'm fed up with the crap we have to deal with. I just want our normal happy life back. It isn't gonna happen so I should just shut up about it!

Anyways after all that Leslie and I had to go to Ottawa and Garnett for work. I was still crying when we got in the car but through my tears I vowed we would make it a fun trip. If you have to work till 9:00 at night you at least have to make it fun. So we decided to find the humor in things. Here is what we found!

1. Big fat Mexican men should not ride motorcycles without helmets on days when the temperature is 103. This guy seriously had fat rolls also known as hotdogs on the back of his head. It looked like sweaty hotdogs in the lane beside us. All bad!!!

2. Our work car (Ford Focus) has this feature where as you speed up and slow down the radio volume increases or decreases. This is so screwed up for a couple reasons.

2a) A Ford Focus is a piece of crap car. The thing makes a horrible groan if you go over 55, it shakes at 65, and smells bad all the time. Crappy cars shouldn't have those kind of features. Whatever happened to cruise control.... That's a feature the Focus can pull off. Not the radio thing.

2b) Leslie is a horrible driver. She speeds up and slows down often and quickly. Therefore this feature is incredibly stressful. When I begin to scream as she drives 90 cutting off semi's no one can hear me over the radio to send help. Then other times when is crawling along at 20 on the shoulder after the cops stop us I can't hear my favorite song anymore. Overall the feature just sucks!

There were a couple other funny things I was gonna tell you but Lena was in the kennel way to long today and is eating my toes of for attention. So I'm done for the night.

Jessie

Good Day

Today was actually a good day. It's about time for one! Work was busy but not nearly as horrible as last week. No drama. So that is always good. In fact we had Staci's baby shower today. I am beginning to wonder if she is ever having that baby! It seems like she has been pregnant forever. I asked her the other day if it was a baby elephant but she didn't think that was too funny.

Lena was wound up tonight. I took her out to mom's and she wouldn't chill out so we went on a walk. The walk to the mailbox and back usually wears her out but not tonight. So we watered the flowers in the back and she was still wound up so we watered in the front yard and still she was crazy. You would think all that running around would chill her out but no!

I usually leave her on the back porch at mom's. She can be in my house but I don't take her in mom's. She has never really tried to get in the house. But tonight she snuck past us and got in about five times. So then we had to chase her around and catch her and put her back outside. I don't know what the deal was. She isn't usually like that. I think she has figured out that the fun is inside... At least mom likes her and doesn't get upset about it.

For some reason mom calls her Muffin. It think that is so pathetic. It makes her sound like a little sissy. Heather thinks it's all kinds of cute. Since it's mom I let her get away with it but anyone else and we would have to have a little discussion about that. Muffin my butt. It makes it sound like she is edible. And eating puppies is all kids of wrong in my opinion.

Jessie

Weekend Over

I'm so disappointed that the weekend is over. I don't want to go back to work... I pretty much hate it anymore. I just have a hard time with it. I would really love to just walk away. But then I paid bills today and there is no way I could quit. Heck I couldn't miss a day right now. I need a money tree. I wish I could grow those.

Spent the afternoon at mom's house. That was nice. She seemed to be feeling a little better.

Did laundry and paid bills and cleaned house tonight. All the things I hate! Oh what fun...

Jessie

Pictures

Here are some pictures...




Miss Lena eating a treat



Mother's Day 2006



Ghost Hunting! Don't know for sure what it is but I think we got something...



Another creepy ghost hunting picture



The crazy big puzzle we did out at my mom's...

Jessie

Weekend

Thank God the weekend is here. This has just been the worst week! Work was horrible, the worst I've ever had at this job. My mom had a rough week which means I had a rough week. Yes I know that is called being enmeshed and I don't care. That's what we are. And we do just fine that way.

But the week is over and the weekend is going so much better!!! I tried to sleep in this morning but some nameless people (Darby and Cricket) think they need to call me at the butt crack of dawn. Lena was even letting me sleep but those two kept calling! So I finally answered the phone so they wouldn't send a search party or something.

Went house hunting with my mom. We found two great houses. One for her and one for me... I wish I could afford to move right now. The house for me was just adorable. I so loved it!!! Someday someday... If only I could sell a few more shakes! I'm hoping my mom's separation stuff with Monte will be resolved next week so she can make a bid on a house and we can get her moved. I think that would help her feel a little more in control.

This afternoon my grandparents and my aunt and uncle Tom and Phyllis showed up at my house. They cut down my drooping tree limbs, fixed my dishwasher, trimmed my yard, weeded my flowers beds and brought me a different mower to use while they work on fixing mine! How awesome is that!!! It was so nice of them. I was standing on my front steps tonight and I could see clearly with no limbs hanging down and I loved it! I'm so glad they came and helped me.

Went to mom's this evening and it was a good time. Charlie, Adair, and Sara came by to visit which was great. They are always great to see. Betty is still here though she thinks she is leaving tomorrow. What she doesn't know is that mom slipped me a $20 to let the air out of her tires so she can't leave us.

Now I'm chilling with Miss Lena. I got her a treat ball thing that you put the snacks in and then she has to push around to get one out. She loves it! It's been keeping her busy for awhile now.

I'm hoping to download some pictures and get them on the site tonight. The batteries in my camera just died so I will have to check and see if I have more. If so I will get some on in a bit.

Jessie

Hanging in

I'm still alive. I've just been really busy. It's crazy at work and then I've been busy after work and before I know it days have passed before I've posted. Sorry about that.

We made more bracelets last night. Doreen got pictures of the bracelets scanned and is going to email them to me so I will post them on here when she does. That way you can kinda see what they look like. They all look different but at least you can see the charms, etc.

Well better get back to work.

Jessie

Broken

I am living in the house of broken things! I'm not sure what in the heck is going on with all my stuff but it's just not right...

My lawn mower is broken. I don't think the thing every worked right anyways. You actually had to push the piece of crap. It should just go and cut on it's own if you ask me... But now it only goes about three steps and then dies. That is if the back wheel hasn't fallen off before it dies. And I won't even tell you about the crappy handle that comes off sometimes. That is the worst.

My DVD player is broken. It does this lovely thing where it skips and bounces and makes everyone sound like they have a speech impediment. That is nice. But then it gets real pretty when it just quits running and says disc error and then spits out the DVD. Crap! I can't even watch a movie after the mower pisses me off.

My dishwasher is broken. It has this part that falls off. It is the spinning part that shoots the water. So the dishwasher will run it just doesn't shoot the water out effectively. This is the part that breaks all the time. It falls off and the only person in the world that knows how to fix it is my dad. It's like a mysterious broken part that calls my dad home. It's time for him to come visit so it will work right again...

So there is only one way to solve all of these problems at one time. I need to marry an incredibly funny actor. He can entertain me so I won't need the DVD player. He would also be so rich that someone else would mow our yard and do our dishes so all my problems would be solved.... I better get to work on that!

Jessie

Ghost Hunt

Well Darby, Leslie, and her friend Jessica and I all went ghost hunting tonight. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. We got one picture with an orb in it and we got some strange tape recordings so that was cool. But we didn't get anything real great. But at least we had fun.

My mom comes home tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that. I've missed her this week. But that also means that Heather will be going home so it will be quiet at my house. It's been so nice having her around. She is a good roommate.

Better go to bed. I'm worn out.

Jessie

Snow Cone

97 degrees. That is really freaking HOT! That's how hot it was today. The clock sign said so. That's to hot for a fat kid. That hot makes me cranky, really really cranky. I turn into a mean mean fat kid that has bad hair and no make up because the heat wore it off. Not a happy thing.

So as a reward for the ridiculous heat and the crap going on at work Darby and I went to get a snow cone. A snow cone has super powers! It is cold which is good. It tastes good which is great. And it doesn't have many calories which is super good great. Which means a whole lotta good. The snow cone place should only make you happy...

But something went wrong today. We got there and there were lots of other people. So we had to wait in line. In the sun and the heat and the crankiness set it. So I went and stood in the shade for a little bit. Then another car pulled into the parking lot. So I moved back to the sun so they wouldn't cut. Darby said they wouldn't cut and I told her I just wanted to make sure. So I sacrificed the shady comfort for the sun. Knowing the snow cone was coming soon to make it okay.

It was getting closer... 9 minutes passed, 10 minutes passed, 12 minutes passed. Finally only one guy in front of me. He ordered his cone. Then his phone rang and he talked. She handed him his cone and he ordered another one. He said the person on the phone wanted one. Well I say the phone person goes to the back of the line. That is almost cutting. But I let it slide because I was next and I was trying to be nice even though sweat was running down my boobs and my toes were getting sunburned!

So he is done and it is MY TURN!!! But no! Some freaky little kid, some little ugly girl with the worst hair I've ever seen and bad flip flops cutted. She was in the car that forced me out of the shade in the first place. I was gonna say something, I was gonna knock her down. What a crappy thing to do. Why do parents not teach their kids MANNERS!!! I swear I wanted to take her flip flop off and whip her butt with it. CUTTING IS SOOOOO WRONG!!!!

But Darby gave me the look. The one that said chill out and don't beat up some random child. The one that said she is little and you are big and you should be nice. The one that said when no one is looking we will knock her down and spill her snow cone and that will be better than calling her on the cutting. So I didn't say anything. And after she got her ugly mug outta the way I got my snow cone. And it was delicious and it made things better. So it worked out.

Jessie

P.S. I sure hope that kid has quit crying by now. Darby shoved her real hard and took some of her snow cone. Bad times for her.

Slave Drivers

Long day.....

Work was busy....

Bracelet making was fun...

Lena made the pee pee on my floor after she attacked the neighbors boxer...

My mom is having a good day...

I saw a really fat lady on a scooter today...

Heather is still here...

Her friend Chelsi is staying the night too...

I'm tired...

Goodnight...

Jessie

Sit

Well Lena is about to kill Heather. For some reason she gets all excited when she sees Heather and just attacks her. It's like she turns into a different puppy. I don't get it. She bites and nips at her. Jumps all over her. Eats her hair, bites her ears. It's weird. So that's not so good.

But while Heather has been gone this evening Lena and I have practiced sitting. Well I know how to do it. She has been practicing. Not me. But she is getting the hang of it. We tried about 20 times and now she is taking a nap. That seems to be the routine. Play then sleep.

Have to go to El Dorado tomorrow for a training thing. I'm not looking forward to that. I hate training stuff. They are always so so so boring! YUCK!!! But after work it is another bracelet making night. I'm excited about that. It should be fun.

Jessie

10.5

Heather and I just got done watching that 10.5 movie on NBC. We are such dorks. We are so into that movie! And it's a two part thing. So now we are gonna have to watch it again on Tuesday to find out if the world ends or not! Seriously thought it's some good stuff. It's not every day you see the Hoover Dam get destroyed.

Mom has headed to Chicago. So it's girl's week here at my house. It will be nice to have Heather here. But she eats A LOT!!! I made the mistake of taking her to the grocery store with me! Yikes! But we have a crap load of food now. At least she won't starve. Mom would be glad to know that.

Jessie

Sites

Okay I haven't done a favorite things list in awhile. And I don't really have a lot of favorite things right now. But I do have a couple favorite sites...

www.oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com
This site is pretty awesome. Very creative idea and fun to watch and see how it unfolds...

www.tourettesguy.com
This site is too dang funny! It is so sick and wrong but the videos are hilarious!!!! When I'm upset this can make me laugh every time!

www.backtothebible.org
I like this site because it gives you a guide so you can read the bible in a year. It tells you what versus to read each day so you get through the whole thing. Pretty cool

www.luckyyoupsc.com
My lovely friend Sharon whose husband Jeremy has cancer runs this site. She has created an awesome spa collection of amazing soaps, lotions, bath salts, etc. Please read the About Us section. She shares their story and it's pretty awesome.

That's what I know

Jessie

Pretty Yard

Mowed my yard this morning. It looks much better now. I had to borrow my mom's mower to do it. Mine is broken. Not sure exactly how that is gonna work out. Having someone haul the mower in here for me and then back to mom's is a pain in the butt. But it doesn't matter till next week. The yard is mowed and pretty now and that is the most important thing.

I'm going to Erika's graduation party this afternoon. I think my mom is even gonna go for a little bit. She has been feeling pretty good the past couple days. That would be nice if we could all go together. Heather is for sure going so at least I don't have to show up alone.

Better get cleaned up and get going.

Jessie

My Bad

I screwed up a little bit today. Okay so I screwed up a whole lot today. I've been trying to call my brother Shawn and his wife Amanda for days now. I've left a bunch of messages on their home phone and cell phones and no calls back. I was pretty annoyed about it today.

So when I called today I left Amanda a really funny completely inappropriate voicemail. It was long and funny and so so so inappropriate. Well Amanda called me back. But she called on the home phone. I asked if she got my voicemail. She said no. I thought her phone was jacked up.

Well nope... I go to a visit and come out and I have a voicemail. It says it's from Amanda's cell. Well I play the message and it is this girl that sounds really young saying that I keep calling her phone and she isn't Amanda and no she isn't "humping my brother" so to please not call anymore. She was laughing but damn I wanted to just die!!! I can't believe I left some random girl such an inappropriate message! Very funny but oh so wrong. I'm for sure going to hell now!!!!

Jessie

What a day...

It was so slow at work today. This week is going to be very long... I'm sure next week will be super crazy to make up for it.

Lena got a bath tonight. She doesn't smell like potting soil now. That is a good thing!

I went on a date. That was fun. His name is Nathan and he seems like an alright guy. No serious sparks but nice and polite and that's good with me.

Tired and still have laundry to put away.

Jessie

Flowers

Went out to mom's tonight. I took Lena with me. She does really well staying on the back porch and entertaining herself. I take her toys and things and she plays and we go on walks every once in awhile. So it has been working fine. Well tonigt Mom, Donna and I are working on the never ending puzzle and I hear her barking. She doesn't usually bark unless there is a person or another animal around. So I go to check on her.

I peer out the window and there is little Miss Lena with a petunia on her head rolling around in potting soil. I didn't realize that mom had a bag of flowers on the porch! Lena was having a dang good time tearing the crap out of those suckers! Mom didn't get upset at all which surprised me. I was more upset that she was naughty at someone else's house. But she was so stinking cute I couldn't stay mad for too long. Mom and Donna checked the flowers over and we were able to salvage them. She didn't do much to the root just mainly the flowers and leaves... Crazy puppies!

Mom was having a pretty good night tonight. I was impressed. She has been pretty tired lately. She just seemed to have more energy today than yesterday. That's a good thing.

Jessie

Review

Well it was an interesting weekend. It went by to quickly. Mother's Day was wonderful! It was so nice to be with my mom. Granted I see her about every day but it's still cool to celebrate Mother's Day. I cooked lunch for the mom's and Heather and her friends. So we all just ate and hung out. Nothing extravagant. Just good old fun. It was nice!

There was too much drama when I got home last night. Sometimes things are just all crazy. I'm not even getting into that but it was just plain DRAMA!!! YUCK!

Work was long today. Felt like the day just drug on forever. I did get a lot of things done though so that is good.

Lena is doing great. She is just such a good little buddy. How I ever lived without her I don't know! She just makes my heart happy. She is a little bed hog. How something as tiny as her can steal the blankets and hog the bed I will never understand. But she does. She pulls the sheets with her teeth and takes them from me. She is something else.

Jessie

Goddess

You Are Psyche!

Eternally in search of purpose and insight. You're curious and creative with a total sense of wonder. Totally empathetic, you pick up on other's moods easily. Just be sure to pamper yourself as well!

What Goddess Are You?

Ice Cream

You Are Chocolate Ice Cream

Dramatic. Powerful. Flirty.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Saturday

Well I totally slept in this morning. I actually slept till 9:30! I'm so psyched about that. I was exhausted. I really needed the sleep. I got up and let Lena out at 7:00 and then I just let her play while I went back to bed. She did just fine playing on her own. She didn't get into anything that she shouldn't have.

Last night while I mowed the yard I let her free in the house unsupervised for the first time. I was a little worried but she did great. She just played with her toys and ate and was sleeping when I came in. She really is a pretty well behaved puppy. Today I had to get on her once because she was chewing on my cell phone but after I gave her a toy of her own she was fine.

I just got done cleaning the house so I'm gonna shower and head out to mom's for the rest of the day. I'm gonna leave Lena here today. I have been taking her but she has been out all day today and playing so it won't hurt her to be in her crate for awhile. I may even put the baby gate up and just leave her in the kitchen. She would probably be fine. I'll have to try it eventually so I might as well get to it...

Jessie

Puppy Power

Miss Lena is so wonderful. She just cracks me up. She is quite the little attack dog. She goes after feet like a cop on a crack head. She also can pull my kitchen rugs into the living room and pile them up for me. While I don't need that done at least she has skills. She hasn't had any accidents on the floor yet but she won't eat out of her food bowl. She takes the food out and then eats it. I don't know what that is about. But she is funny and cuddly and I like her. I will keep her.

Work sucks but that is typical. I'm really done with my job. I did get word that I got my 3% raise so I should be happy. But I hate it. I hate going there. And it used to be that if I got there I was okay but now I'm not. The whole day I look at the clock and wonder how I can go home early. Something is gonna have to give. Maybe God will answer my prayer and I'll win the lottery... :-)

Jessie

Lena

Miss Lena has arrived! This is my new puppy! Isn't she beautiful!!! I just love her to pieces!!! She is a miniature schnauzer and I just think she is a wonderful addition to my life. I'm so grateful to have her here!

Jessie

Overwhelmed

I haven't posted in awhile... Sorry about that. I just don't have much time or energy lately. I'm busy but I don't feel like I really get anything done. I feel more like a zombie. I just move through the motions of the day. Go to work, do the laundry, visit mom, workout but don't remember much or focus on much. I think my mind is overloaded.

I would think I was depressed but I have my happy pills to help with that. I think I'm just going through this all and feeling a bit sorry for myself. It will get better though. It always does. I do pretty well for a couple weeks then have a bit of a breakdown. I really think it is probably normal.

I'm thinking about getting a dog. Like I need one more thing to take care of I know! But I think I need something alive that forces me to function even when I don't want to. Something that makes me get off the couch instead of laying there watching movies for 4 hours like I did today. I had a million things to do around my house and I laid on my couch like an idiot. Now it's just more to do tomorrow.

Jessie

Thursday

Well it's almost Friday! Thank God!!! This has been such a very long slow week. Work is just dragging. I'm having a bunch of files audited so all I've done this week is basically go through and check and recheck my files. If I get a perfect audit I get a paid day off work. So I'm working on it really hard. I don't have any vacation days left so I could use some free days!

Mom was doing better tonight. She was cracking me up actually. She can be so funny. Aunt Shirley was being way funny too. If you knew Aunt Shirley you would understand why that is a bit shocking. She has really changed through this whole thing. I think being around us is rubbing off on her. She is calmer and funnier and she is a much better hugger! I'm so pleased with that. I also think that the Reliv shakes are helping her feel better too. She has some health problems and I think it's helping her with that as well as her mood. It's amazing really! I told her tonight I'm not sure if it's the cancer or the shakes that's changing her but that I really think she is pretty damn fun to be around.

tomorrow I'm not going out to mom's. We are having a making bracelets at my house. The healing bracelets in mom's honor are selling like crazy. Darby pushes those better than a drug dealer pushes crack. It's amazing! So because Darby is such a bracelet sales lady we have to make a ton more. Which is good. They are fun to make and the money really helps mom. I'd make a thousand of them if it would help her!

Better jet

Jessie

Good Times

Today was pretty busy at work. Very odd day really. Court was strange today and things really shocked me! You just never know what will happen depending on how the judge feels. Sometimes I walk out of the court room baffled. Today was one of those days!!!

Went to a Reliv meeting in Topeka tonight. It was good. I really feel like I made the right decision signing on with Reliv. Hopefully I can make some good things happen soon....

Still haven't ate dinner so I need to do that and get to bed. More tomorrow.

Jessie

Big Post

Okay once again I waited to long to post and now I have a lot to put in one really long post... YUCK!!!!

Friday was a weird day. Leslie and I had court in Chase County so we went early to eat at Grand Central. The service sucked so I went to get our drinks myself and this very handsome cowboy stopped me and said he would get them. So he went in back and got our drinks and brought them to us. Then he stood around and chatted with us. We found out he owns a bar there and he asked us to come to the male strippers show they were having that night. We kindly declined since we had to work the benefit thing for my mom. So he went back to his seat with his friends.

Then their food came and we started chatting with them again. He ended up giving us an onion ring as an appetizer and he flirted with me and his buddy flirted with Leslie and it was fun. Then when they were leaving we gave them our numbers. Just cute harmless flirting. Something fun to do....

My dad came to town Friday evening. It was awesome to see him. He helped Heather and I and a bunch of other people set up for the garage sale. My mom also got home on Friday. Very good to see her too. She looked pretty good, just very tired!

Saturday we had the sale and it was HUGE! It was a very long day but a whole lot of fun. So many people came to help and shop and hang out. It was just really neat. We ended up making 5650.07 which is just amazing to me!!! I never thought we would make anywhere close to that amount. Unbelievable.

Saturday night Dad and Heather and I went out to eat and then we hung out at my place in the evening. We were all worn out but it was nice to have some time with dad. Sunday we cleaned out my gutters which was so gross then went to see my mom for a bit. She was doing a little better but still really tired and not able to eat due to the chemo.

Sunday night Dad and I barbecued with my nice new neighbors next door, Nathan and Pam. They are super nice and it was fun! I really like them. Then we watched some cheesy movie with Tom Selleck in it Sunday night. We are hard up for entertainment I guess.

Today I worked and it sucked. I didn't want to go! Dad headed back to New Orleans which also sucked. I didn't want him to go. But he is safe and sound. Went and saw mom tonight and she was doing better. She was able to eat and take her shakes today which is very good. She needs that!

However, I also found out today that the nice guys that were hitting on Leslie and I on Friday are actually gay! I was so disappointed!!! I was really digging the one that gave us our drinks. And Leslie really liked the other one. Usually I can pick up on that but they totally had us sold that they thought we were cute.... They are like their own brokeback mountain... To bad so sad!

Now I'm worn out. I just hate Mondays! I never feel like I get a weekend and then going back to work sucks. Someday I'm gonna win the big bucks and quit this whole working thing....

Jessie

Communication Problems

Well had some phone issues today.... For some reason my phone decided to die. So of course I go to Alltel to get it fixed. They can't fix it but they can get me a new phone for a fee of course. So I ask them to transfer my numbers from my old phone to my new phone. They tell me it's a $10 fee for that. You have to be kidding me. I asked if they had a little midget in the back room that entered them all in by hand... I thought they just did it on the computer. They said it is on the computer but it's their "policy" to charge the fee. Whatever....

So I agree to pay the ridiculous fee. I just want my dang numbers. So she plugs it in and nothing... NOT A THING! 321 numbers in the memory and they can't get them out!!! I just melted down. For some reason I told her my mom had cancer. Her reply was, "Nice try, both my mom and dad have cancer." So I ask what kind. She says prostrate and breast cancer. So for some strange reason I say, "Ha, pancreatic cancer that has matastisized, beat that!" Who does that. What has overcome me??????? Who tries to beat someone in the cancer game???

Then it gets even worse. I ask if she has heard of Reliv. Because in the middle of a melt down I'm sure she is gonna wanna buy something from me. She says no. I explain what it is. She gives me her number and says to call her tonight to tell her more. I kindly explain that I'll be calling her all night because I have no other numbers to call and I will need someone to cry to about my mom. She explains she understands.

She gives me my new phone after she takes my check. I again explain that it is crap they can't get my numbers. She says I can keep my old phone. WHY??? For a paperweight. Why do I want a broken phone I ask... But I take it. I'm gonna smash the thing with a hammer later. Then I ask her if she really can't get my numbers or if she is just saying that because I'm a bitch. She starts laughing at me. She tells me I am funny. I say no I'm not I'm pissed at you. She says I'm the funniest pissed off person she has ever met. I explain it will be really funny when I put my broken up foot up her butt... She laughs more. I don't think this is funny. I take my new phone and my crap phone and limp towards the door. I can't even walk in a pissed off determined way because my leg is messed up. As I get to the door she says, "You do win." I forget and ask her what. She agrees that pancreatic cancer is worse so I win. I ask if I win my numbers back. She says no. I leave and vomit in the parking lot!

So I've called her six times tonight. I don't have anyone else to call. I'm gonna stalk her. I swear it! I'll end up in jail and then it won't matter that I don't have any phone numbers. You only get one call anyways....

So if I haven't called you it's because Alltel sucks! So call me and give me your number.

Jessie

Hard Day

I'm just struggling through the day today. It's been a rough one. I keep telling myself that it's normal to have a rough day yet I fight it so much. I just want it to all be okay.... It's not going to be okay for a long time. I know that in my head... I just want it all to be different, better, calmer...

I always have a rough time when my mom goes for chemo but this time is harder. They found cancer on her liver which means it's spread. And they changed her chemo to something more aggressive. Which is good because it may help but bad because more aggressive means she will be sicker. I don't want that.

I just want her to come home. It's so selfish really. I just want her with me, in her house, safe. I don't want doctor's to touch her anymore. They don't know really what they are doing. They just guess and practice on her and she is to little and real to be practiced on. I just want to love her well. I want her to come home and I want us to just love her. She is ours not theirs. And I know doctor's are good people but they hurt her. The poking and drugs and tests and sickness isn't fair to her. She is to good for that. And she deserves more, she deserves her life back.

I miss her when she is gone. And every time she goes I feel like it is a test. Can I make it without her physically with me. And each time I feel sick. Like it's some cruel mean game that God is playing with me. Take her away and give her back and see how close to crazy I get without her. I don't want to be without her, not now not ever! I need her like I need air... She's my very best friend and I can't be without her.

The benefit garage sale is for her this weekend. It's at the church and it's so nice of them to do it for us. People have been so kind to us. But I don't want it. I don't want to need help. I don't want people to bring us anymore food or anymore money or anymore help. They do that because she is sick and every time it's a reminder that things aren't right. And as grateful as I am I would give it all back and then some if she could just be okay. I don't want us to be the family people help because it's tragic. I don't like how people whisper pancreatic cancer and look at us and pity us... I just want to be us again with no explanation or needs.

I want our lives back.... I pray like crazy that God will give us a miracle. I pray that God will give us strength. I pray that God will not let me hate him for this. And that is hard. It's hard to believe that a God that is kind would let this happen to her. Would actually let people go through things like this. I know God doesn't cause cancer but God has the power to cure it. So why wouldn't he. Why would he let someone that believes in him so much suffer. Why when there are so many rotten people in the world would he let my mom who loves us so much hurt like this! Damn that pisses me off!!!

See I told ya it was a crappy day.....

Me

Limping

Well I'm just limping through the day. My ankle still sucks. Had an x-ray today and it's not broken but the doc thinks I may have torn my ligaments so I had an MRI on that. The results should be in in the morning. Hopefully that isn't the case. That would really suck!

Been working Reliv today since I was home from my real job. I'm hoping that I can get this off the ground and get to making some more money soon. I keep praying I could turn this into my only job. It would be a miracle for me to be working from home so I could be available to mom when she needed me. Somehow if that is God's plan it will happen! I just know it!!!

So I'm gonna limp back on to the living room so I can get on my training call. Hope everyone is having a good Monday!

Jessie

Hell of a Day

Woke up this morning feeling not so great. Thought I had a urinary tract infection so I made a doctor's appointment. Since it's Saturday I had to go do the lab work at the hospital and that took forever. Then of course I was right so I got my lovely prescriptions. Was supposed to be out at mom's and was already running way late. But I had a package of shake stuff to mail to Shawn and Amanda so I stopped off at the post office.

I was just meandering up to the post office and for no good reason decided to trip on my feet and wipe out! Thank God shake aren't breakable. So even though my ankle hurt like hell I jumped right up and pretended I was fine. I was so flipping embarrassed!

Since I'm such a dedicated Reliv distributor I limped my crippled butt into the post office and stood in line FOREVER to mail my package. I finally get to the counter and all I remember is the guy asking me if I want priority mail and my response was "I don't care I'm gonna pass out." Then I wake up on the floor of the post office with one guy saying he will get me water and another guy saying that he didn't think I hit my head when I fell outside! For the LOVE OF GOD!!! Why does this crap happen to me!!!

I don't know why I passed out. The doctor this it may have been a combination of the pain, the heat, the infection, everything. My blood sugar was fine and I felt fine before that other than the shooting pain in my leg! So now I have a swollen foot, it burns when I pee and my pride is badly damaged. I'm just having a great freaking weekend!

By the time I got to mom's house I just laid in the recliner and cried for a little bit. It's pretty bad when the person with PANCREATIC CANCER is getting around better than you. She actually got me an icepack for my ankle! Mom's are great!

So now I'm hoping the swelling will go down soon and the pain will go away. If it's still hurting a lot on Monday I'm supposed to have it x-rayed to make sure it's not broken. Yippee!

Jessie

Movies

Well I actually watched a movie tonight. I watched In Her Shoes. It was pretty good. Jumped around a lot but other than that it was alright. I'd give it like 3 1/2 stars....

Went out to mom's tonight and ate dinner and hung out for a bit. We have been working on a puzzle out there for what feels like an eternity. It's actually only been a couple weeks but it is huge and doesn't feel like we are making much progress. I'm ready for it to be done. I'm thinking we are about halfway now... Someday soon it will be done!

All my shipment of Reliv stuff arrived. My house is little. I've got boxes stacked in the living room. My goal for the weekend is to find a home for all of it. We will see how that goes....

Jessie

Evaluation

Today is my two year anniversary at my job. Feels like about 10 though. So I got my lovely evaluation today. Actually it was really good. I've met all my goals for the year. In fact I supposed to have 50% relative placements and I'm above that which is good because everyone else at work is below that so I'm carrying the weight. I'm also the only person at my office that has genograms done for every client. That's not a big shocker considering that I love to do genograms. It's fun for me. But anyways the eval is good so hopefully I will get my 3% raise. It's not much but I want it.

This year we aren't guaranteed the 3% raise like before. Now we get a $100 bonus for each year of work and then a possibility for a raise. I would be pretty upset if I didn't get the whole 3% though. I've had to train two case managers now this year not to mention the amount of time I carried the caseloads on my own. And meeting my goals should get it anyways. So hopefully they will give it to me! I could use the money...

Don't know much else.

Jessie

Good Times

My mom had a great day today! After I got off work we went and drove around town and looked at houses. The court stuff with her and Monte is moving ahead and hopefully she will be able to move soon. Now it's just a matter of finding a house that meets her needs and is in her price range! But God will provide. I'm sure of that.

I've been telling Darby for months that I was going to post about her Jeep and haven't done it. Today I rode in it and it was fairly cleaned out. Usually it is crazy!!! Today the only odd things I found was a tiger thing and an inflatable guitar. Usually there are all kinds of toys, food, bags, books, etc. One time there was even an oven mit in that thing! She said that she used the oven mit to keep Caden's bottle warm... Silly girl! One time there was even this toy rabbit thing of Caden's. It made sounds and moved a little but I swear it looked like a dead animal! It scared the crap out of me!!!

What's bad is that when I got in my car to leave work I realized that her weird car collection is contagious. I'm hauling around all kinds of stuff that people have donated for my mom's garage sale and my car now looks like Darby's jeep. I have mismatched coffee cups, an odd pillow thing, some wall decorations, two boxes of Kleenex, some books, a yoga mat, and about 800 drinking straw wrappers. So since my car is dirty I'm sure it is somehow Darby's fault. She has passed it on to me!!!

Jessie

Reliv

Well I'm officially a distributor for Reliv now. That's the shakes that my mom is taking. Well I'm taking them too and so is half my family. And they are working. Mom's cancer markers are down, I'm feeling good and my blood sugar is good. I've never been a person to sell things but I believe in this product. It's just good nutrition and that can't hurt anything. I figure none of us get the good stuff we need in our daily diet. So if we add it in with the shakes and give our body the food it needs to fight disease we will all be better off. And if I'm gonna tell people about it I might as well be able to provide them with it. Had a training thing all night tonight and I'm worn out but excited. I think this could be a very good opportunity for me. It may give me the chance to make some extra money and still have time with mom. That would be a miracle!

Jessie

New Neighbors

Well my new neighbors have moved in. They seem really nice. I'm kinda digging having neighbors again. It's been a long time since I've had some really nice neighbors. They are young and recently married. Pam and Nathan. I may end up really liking them. You can tell they are first time home buyers though. Everytime they see me they say "hello neighbor". It just cracks me up. They have a cool Harley and a couple dogs. They are repainting the house and mowed the lawn. So I'm digging that. Anything that makes their property look better makes mine look better. So I'm a happy girl.

Jessie

Easter

It was a great Easter at our house! Mom was actually able to go to church!!! That is huge for her. However, it was so dang hot in the church I thought I was gonna get sick so I had to leave after the sermon. But mom who is always cold was fine and made it through the whole service. She even was wearing one of the new tops that Heather and I got her for Easter. She looked nice in something that fits and a pretty scarf. How she can have cancer and still look so pretty I will never know.

Mom got me cool stuff in my Easter basket. I got some flowers that I planted this evening. Pencils which I needed but was a little bit of a joke, money, just a little candy, some teddy grahams, some crackers I like, and a cool rabbit rock for my flowers beds. Heather however got two thongs. And not the kind you wear on your feet. I swear she has to be the only person in the world that gets thongs in their Easter basket. But it's what she wanted so it's what she got. She is a funny girl!

Mowed all day yesterday at mom's house. I was so dirty and gross. I don't know how there is any dirt left in her yard! I had to wash my hair three times to get it all out. YUCK! But the yard looks nice so that is good. We also got some flowers planted for her and they look pretty. She's happy with it and that is the most important thing. I sure wouldn't mind if her yard would shrink overnight sometime though. It's HUGE.

Today after I left mom's house I came home and cleaned house and planted flowers. I got all my bulbs planted and the plants she gave me. I'm holding out a couple more weeks on my hanging baskets and pots. I like to put vinca's in my hanging baskets and they don't start selling them till the very end of April or early May. So I'm gonna be patient and wait them out. It was nice to be out and get some of that done. I'm getting one heck of a tan already. Granted it's only on my arms and face but they sure do look good. I'm digging the tan. That is the only pay off for mowing!

Jessie

Good Friday

Well it's Good Friday and it was a good Friday. Work was well CRAZY. I swear the weirdest things happen at my job. I supervised this visit today with Leslie the new case manager and it has to rank in my top 5 list of the weirdest visits I've ever supervised. Leslie was laughing so hard she was crying and I was just praying for the time to move faster. So freaking weird!

Everyone pretty much left early from work so then just Darby and I were left. That was kind of nice. We got time to visit. We have determined that we have completely crazy stressful lives. I don't understand why being a grown up has to be so hard sometimes. Her mom is also having some health problems and it is just so very stressful. Once those roles change and your parents get sick it is just a whole new world. It sucks that we are going through it all but I'm so grateful that I have a best friend that understands my craziness! God puts people in our lives for a reason!

Heather came home this afternoon which is good. I just love seeing that girl. She has such a fun little life for herself at school and I love hearing her stories. She sometimes makes me wish I would have gone away for college when I was her age. I said sometimes though. There is a lot of it that I wouldn't like. How she lives with 7 other girls I will never know. But she loves it. So that is all that matters.

Mom was doing better tonight. Still not feeling to great. But better than yesterday. Tomorrow we are having a big work day at her house. My uncles are coming to help and Roy is going to help so we should get a lot done. The guys are gonna work on putting a new fence up around her lagoon and Heather and I are going to mow and plant flowers so it should be productive.

I went to buy flowers tonight. I got the one's for mom's house and they are pretty. Just petunia's and geraniums right now. But they will be nice. I also got some lilly bulbs and elephant ear bulbs for my house. I'm hoping we can get all mom's flowers planted tomorrow so then I can plant my bulbs on Sunday.

I wasn't excited about the flower planting this year at all. I think with everything else going on I just couldn't go there yet. But I started walking through the greenhouse today and just got excited. So I'm ready now. All those beautiful blooms made me feel like life just goes on. No matter how much your heart hurts things just continue... So I might as well plant some flowers and make my yard pretty while I'm struggling...

Over and Out!

Jessie

Flowers

Well it's been a busy couple days. I'm oncall for work this week and had to work late last night and then it was busy at work today. So I'm worn out. I took a little nap when I got off work today for just an hour to get me through the evening.

Mom is doing really well. She actually worked in her flower bed today. When she told me that I started crying. I was afraid she wouldn't be able to do that again and I know how much she loves it. It just made my day! I am so glad she has been able to do some things she enjoys.

I'm heading to bed. Hope you all have a great day tomorrow!

Jessie

Long Post

Okay this is gonna be a long post. I haven't posted in days and I'm getting emails from people. So now I have a lot to fit in one veryyyyy long post. So go to the bathroom, get a snack and hold on tight...

Saturday

Felt sicker than a dog in the morning. My stomach hurt so bad all night and most of the early part of the day. I just couldn't get it to stop hurting. I still haven't figured out what was wrong with me. But it sucked.

Darby's sister Courtney is pregnant and her baby shower was Saturday afternoon so I went to that. It was pretty fun for a baby shower. Usually they are lame but it was a good time. And there was free soda. I like free soda! And nuts and cake. But I didn't like the cake so much. So I had soda and nuts. Yummy! If my stomach didn't hurt before that it sure would have afterwards huh....

After the shower I took black and white pictures of a very pregnant Courtney. They turned out pretty cool if I do say so myself. I will post one of my favorite ones now....



See isn't that a cool picture! I really like it. There were a lot of them that I liked but that has to be one of my favorites. I really should quit the whole social work thing and just take pictures. I would like that more!

Okay after the pictures got done I wanted to leave. I needed to go see my mom. Well you have to have keys to go somewhere! And my keys were no where to be found. We searched all over and couldn't find the damn things. So after an hour I called a friend to bring me some spares. What a pain in the butt!

So I take my spare keys and take myself to my moms. We hang out and that is fun. She is still kinda sickly on Saturday so not to great. But better than Friday. So after I've been their several hours Darby's dad calls me. They found my keys. IN THEIR BED!!! How weird is that. I swear I was not in their bed. I don't know how my keys got there. Very weird!!!

Sunday-

All I did was mow mom's yard. That is a day job. It's freaking huge. But Guillermo came out and helped me for a little bit so that was nice. I got a sun burn on my arms. Yes I used sunscreen but I still got burned. I how it doesn't peel. I hope it turns into a tan. The only payoff for all the mowing is a nice tan. That would be good.

Monday-

WORK! Actually it was a good day. One of the kids that has been on my caseload forever got an APA signed today. That is an adoption placement agreement. That is almost being adopted. We just have to finish up some paperwork and get the court to finalize the adoption and she will be done and off to a new little life. I was pretty pleased we got that done today. Made me happy on the inside.

Hung out this evening with mom. She is doing much better today. That is very good. She scared the crap out of me on Friday so she needed to get better. She can only scare me like that once a month. That is my limit. She has been advised that she can't do anything scary for another 27 days. She better keep her end of the deal.

Peace out!
Jessie

Rough Day

Mom isn't doing to well today. Had to go to the ER as soon as she got back to town. She is home now but I'm worried about her. I will post more about it tomorrow but I'm to tired tonight. Emotionally and Physically exhausted!

Jessie

Bored

I'm so freaking bored. I actually alphabetized my cook books tonight. I hate it when my mom is in Chicago. I have nothing to do! Without homework or her I'm going crazy. Thank God she comes home tomorrow. I'm going to have to go back to school soon. I can't stand not having something to do all the time. I'm used to crazy busy. Now it's just crazy. No busy.

Work has actually been slow. I can't believe I'm typing that. I'm just asking for a ton of new kids by typing that. But it has been. It's very freaky. I just know something will happen and all my cases will go crazy soon because when my job is even boring that's just not right. I missed two days of work this week for the funeral and I wasn't even behind. It only took me about 30 minutes to get caught up. That's just not the way my job is!!! EVER!!!

Better go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be more exciting.

Jessie

Home Now

Heather and I went to Rockville Indiana to be with Venus for her dad's funeral. Rockville is in Parke County Indiana. We didn't know it until we got there but Parke County is the covered bridge capital of the world. There are bunch of covered bridges. So while yes we were there for a sad occasion we did make time to take a little tour of the covered bridges. It's our dad's fault. He always made us do educational things everywhere we went. One of our favorite quotes from him is, "How many people in the world have the opportunity to see the Monet's?" We had already seen them once in Boston but he made us go again in Vegas. So we figured if he was there he would make us go see the covered bridges. We could just hear him say, "How many people in the world have the chance to visit the covered bridge capital." So we went and it was cool and we have pictures to show for it. He would be oh so proud!

The funeral was very sad. I felt so bad for Venus. She is just devastated. But she will be okay. That's the odd thing about life. Even when your heart is broken it still beats. Human beings are absolutely amazing! No matter what we just keep pushing through. I have no doubt that she will end up coming through this okay. It will be tough but she will be okay.

The trip to Indiana was a bit of a nightmare. The weather was horrible. There were tornados all around us. They kept coming on the radio and saying all these counties were in tornando warnings. But since we didn't know what county we were in it didn't help us much. We passed a silo that was laying right along the side of the road and their were billboards down all over. There were four semi's laid down in the west bound lane. It was pretty much a mess! Ignorance is bliss. It finally got dark and we decided that if a tornado came at us at least we wouldn't be able to see it before it killed us so at least we wouldn't be scared. Monday morning we watched the news and I guess there were like 60 tornados spotted all along the route we took and 25 people were killed. We were dang lucky!!! God sure takes care of us.

Mapquest gave us some really jacked up directions so we ended up going 1 1/2 hours out of the way. We were out in the middle of nowhere. And in all honesty we were scared to stop. I was afraid we might get raped and pillaged by farmers with pitchforks! So luckily half of Rockville communicated with us by cell phone and got us to the hotel in a very screwed up but successful way. What did people do before cell phones????

Rockville was an interesting little place. Heather and I ate dinner at a little cafe that had FABULOUS onion rings. We also got dinner and a show there since they had kareoke! Crazy I know. Only the two of us. I swear no one but Heather and I were under the age of 65 and they were all singing old country songs about sex. We were cracking up. Very odd.

The trip home today was a piece of cake compared to the trip there. The weather was great. Traffic was not to bad and the only problem was that the sun was burning into my eyeballs as I was driving through KC. Yippeeee nothing like driving when you can't see.

Glad we are home safe and sound. I'm hoping Venus will be able to get some rest tonight. I know she isn't feeling to great. She has got to be just emotionally exhausted. Cricket goes back to New Orleans tomorrow so hopefully she will be able to get back to her routine. Heather is back to school. I go back to work tomorrow.

Jess

Packing

Heather and I head for Indiana tomorrow for the funeral. Mom and Betty head to Chicago tomorrow for more chemo. Boy we are fun travelers. We used to go places for vacation. Now we just travel for bad news stuff. Oh how our lives have changed...

It was a beautiful day today. Windy but very nice. It actually got up to 75. I was digging that! Tomorrow I'm wearing my capri's and flip and flops. I figure if I'm riding in a car all day I'm gonna be comfy!

I really don't want mom to go to Chicago this time. For some reason I'm just really not wanting her to go. I think it's because she has been doing so good the past couple of days and I just don't want her to get sick again. It's very selfish really. But it's just the way it is.

I won't post while we are gone. So if you don't see a post till Wed. that is why. So don't start emailing all worried.... I'm just away from the computer!

Jessie

Long Day

Long day at work. Then went to mom's for the evening. Now have stuff to do to prepare for a court hearing tommorow. Lots to say just no time to say it....

Jessie

Sympathy

Venus my step sister got very sad news today. Her dad passed away in a house fire. I know she is hurting and I just want her to know I'm thinking of her. She is in Texas and her dad was in Indiana. Cricket and my Dad are with her and Dalton and Morghan now. They will go to Indiana tomorrow to make the funeral arrangements. Just a rough day for them. Heather and I are planning on going to Indiana for the service. We need to be with Venus during such a difficult time...

Jessie

Long Day

This has felt like the longest day ever! I got up early and went over to Darby's to stay with Caden. I think the poor little guy is traumatized. He woke up and was just talking away all happy so I went in to get him out of the crib and he looked up at me and just started bawling. Then he sat on the couch and cried for a while. He would cover up his eyes with his blanket and start to calm down and then peek out and see me and start crying again. I think he thought he would look up and eventually his mom or dad would be there.

Caden knows me. It's not like I'm a stranger. But I've never been there in the morning. I think he just freaked out with the change in routine. It just wasn't supposed to be like that to him I'm sure. He kept pointing at pictures and saying mama and daddy. But after about 10 minutes I won him over with a cereal bar and toys... I can make awesome sound effects for the little people animals. When you are two you can't resist that! So he ended up being fine. But it was a rough start for him.

Work just seemed to drag on forever today. I got a lot of stuff done but it felt like I was there for three days in one. Everyone was tired and a little cranky and we just didn't want to be there. I'm dreading going back tomorrow. I don't have anything on my schedule and I did all my busy work today so tomorrow will be just great I'm sure!

Mom was doing good this evening. She looked good and seemed to have a lot of energy today. I keep thinking that one day I will just go out there and it will all be normal again. That she will be healed and better and this cancer crap will be behind us. Maybe not but on her good days I think it might be a mistake and the doctor's might be wrong.....

Jessie

Monday

Well it's been a Monday. Just crazy busy and a little overwhelming. I'm not a big fan of Monday's. However, the new girl at work Leslie seems to be alright. She really jumps right in and does stuff. While I still have a lot of training to do with her she really doesn't hesitate to get things done. I'm impressed. I think she may hang in there.

Filled out the paperwork tonight to appeal the social security determination for mom. Kinda a hassle but well worth it if we can get it straightened out. What a mess! Who knew being sick would be such hard work for a person. Doesn't seem right that when you are feeling your worst you have to fight so hard for things. I don't get it.

tomorrow at the butt crack of dawn I'm going over to Darby's to watch Caden. Her and Chris both have early morning appointments so someone has to stay with him. For some reason they don't like to leave their toddler unsupervised.... I just don't get it. He got all those cool toys for his birthday, I bet he could stay occupied for awhile.

Better get to bed

Jessie

Go Fish

I think Bel and I have played about 800 games of go fish this weekend! She loves that game! I'm about sick of that game. I'm half tempted to drown myself in a fish pond!!!! We are breaking out the puzzles her in a minute for a change of pace. You can only play the same thing so many times. I guess a three year old doesn't get that.

Yesterday was Caden's birthday party. I thought it was pretty fun. He got some really neat toys! I'm sure Darby and Chris are gonna love finding a place for those to go. And Bel wore herself out playing there so she took a good nap. Gotta love that!

Went to mom's yesterday afternoon. She got her letter from disability and was denied. That pretty much set me off. I'm gonna appeal it but it's just incredibly frustrating to me. I don't get it!!!

Jessie

Good Day

Today has been a very good day. Work was crazy busy but that's okay. I got off right at five and went to pick up Bel. We went out to mom's house for the evening and then came home and played dinosaurs for a hour before she fell asleep on the floor.

Mom is doing great today! She called me this morning to tell me she made pancakes for breakfast. She hasn't had the energy to cook in forever so that is just amazing to me. I was so impressed and proud of her. And tonight she just seemed like herself again. It's so cool! I could really get used to that.

Jessie

Darbis Fix

Well I got my Darbis fix today! Darby and I went to Topeka this afternoon to do some much needed shopping. We got all Caden's stuff for his birthday party on Saturday. He is going to have the coolest 2nd birthday party ever! We also picked up a few little things for us....

It's been a long time since Darby and I have just gone and done something fun. We spend a lot of time together but it's at work or on the phone or about the drama in our lives. It's been a long time since we just had a fun day together! I just love her. We just click. She is the only person I know that I can spend so much time with and not get sick of her or annoyed. I swear I need to find the male version of Darby and marry him quick! I wonder what the male version of Darby would look like. Now that would be funny....

I think I am for sure going to hell. We were in toys r us and I actually said a bad word! Not the worst one out there but a mid range curse word. Not good. And then the checker lady was annoying the crap out of us. She was slower than a snail with a limp and she kept talking on this walkie talkie thing and had a weird eye. So when Darby went to get the "big ticket" item at customer service and the checker chick said she would help me load my sister's things in my cart I did something very naughty. I actually said, "Oh she's not my sister that's my girlfriend." So not only did I curse in toys r us but I also discussed lesbianism.... I'm so going to hell. But the look on her face was priceless! It was so worth it...

Goodnight

Jessie

Mah Jong Madness

I didn't get to post last night because Heather kept me up so late playing Mah Jong Tiles. It's a computer game and we have become addicted to it. We take turns and each play a round to see if we can beat my previous high score. What was going to be one or two games turned into a mah jong marathon and it was after midnight when we got done. Damn college girl. She can stay up way late like that. Anything after 10 is an all nighter for me. :-)

So now I'm off to the office and I'm feeling very sleepy today.

Jessie

Winter

Well it's cold. Very cold! We got snow last night. Not enough to really matter. But enough to be annoying. Poor Heather is on Spring Break and is freezing. Just seems very wrong to me.

Crystal didn't come to work this week. Since she doesn't work there anymore that is probably why. I kinda miss her though. I didn't realize how much I liked her until she was gone. Now I have Leslie as a case manager. She doesn't seem bad. She actually seems pretty sharp. And she is a little older which is nice. But she called me sugarplum this morning and that is weird. I don't like that. So we may have to talk about that!

I'm tired tonight. Didn't sleep so well last night. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight. That would make me very happy....

Jessie

Spring

Well it's the first day of spring and it doesn't feel that way here. It's been raining for two days. But boy is my grass getting green! It's a perfect nap day so I'm gonna head out to mom's in just a little bit and sleep there. I've figured out that when she naps it's the perfect time for me to nap too. We have a good little sleep system.

Karla my birthmom came to visit yesterday. She stayed the night and then just headed back a little bit ago. It was very nice to visit with her. I really enjoyed the time. She has never seen my house. When she came to my college graduation I was still in my old house so it was nice for her to be able to see where I'm at now. And she got to spend some time with my mom so that is good.

Well better head out to mom's before I fall asleep here!

Jessie

TGIF

Well it's Friday. That is a good thing. I overslept this morning so it made for a short day at the office. It was Crystal's last day today so we had her little going away party tonight. We all went to Natasha's for drinks. It was a good time. I'm actually gonna miss that girl. We started out rough but I feel like we just recently got bonded and used to each other and now she is gone. Now I have to start all over with a new case manager. One more to train. YUCK!!!!

Hung out with mom for a bit this evening. She was in a good mood. Heather and Shawn and Amanda were there too so that was cool. Now I'm waiting for my laundry to get done drying so I can put it away and go to bed. Morning comes early. Tumbling class for Miss Bel at 9:00. Why did I put her in the early class????

Karla, my birth mom comes for a visit tomorrow. That will be a good thing. I haven't seen her in awhile. She is gonna stay the night so I'll get a whole day with her. That really hasn't happened in a long time.

Roy got arrested today. That's random huh. He just called me up and started chatting about my plans for the night and then says "Oh did I tell you I got arrested?" Like it's no big deal. I thought he was joking but he wasn't. I guess they are saying his driver's license is suspended. I don't think it is. He had some fines but paid those so it is probably an error. I guess he won't know for sure until Monday when their office is open to check on it. So that sucks for him. Monte went and bailed him out. So he is a free bird that is unable to drive... That boy never stops shocking me. There is always something with him. At least he didn't whack me in the eye with a cell phone charger today. I should be thrilled!

Jessie

Deaf

Okay did you see the story about Miss Deaf Texas getting hit by a train and killed. Yes it's real. It was on CNN. I guess she was walking on the tracks text messaging friends and family and got hit. However, according to the news article the train continued to blow it's horn until impact but did not get a response.... Seriously for some sick reason I think that is just a tiny bit funny. I know I need some real help....

Okay I'm tired and don't wanna talk about my own issues. God knows I have plenty. I just can't even get started tonight.

Jessie

Black Eye

Okay things are a bit out of sorts at my house right now. Shawn and Amanda came to visit. That is good. But Jessie has a little house. So since they are a couple and I am a single I decided I'd take the little bed in the spare room and give them the big bed. So I'm in the twin bed which makes no sense because you couldn't fit me and a twin in that bed. But whatever. That's where I went night night last night. Well they were supposed to show up in the middle of the night. So Roy stopped by and wanted to wait and see them. So I put him on the couch. So this is what it was like.

Me in little baby bed crunched against the wall trying not to fall out. Royferd on the little couch trying not to fall off and then Shawn and Amanda didn't get here till 5:18 this morning. So then Roy and I were just awake. So we are sitting on my couch talking at about ohhhh 5:42 and Roy's cell phone beeps. He had been charging it and it was done charging. Dang I'm a nice ex girlfriend. I loan out my couch and my electricity.

So anyways we talk, phone beeps and Roy decides to unplug it. Smart move. NO!!! Instead of like reaching over and unplugging it he just tugs it and yanks the thing out of the wall. And at about 5:44 the cell phone charger slams into my eyeball!!!! And what do those three jerks do while I flop about on the floor in pain???? They laugh uncontrollably! Assholes!

So after like 10 minutes Roy says he is sorry for slamming it into my pretty little eyeball and Shawn suggests ice and I quit crying. It hurt dang it! It's a good thing I'm a fast blinker or those little plugs would have rammed right into my cornea and blinded me! I would have been real mad then!

So my eye hurts now. It's not black. It was puffy for a little bit and then went down. It stings a bit and I'm having flash backs but it's not gonna bruise. Next time my ex boyfriend wants to charge his phone though I'm saying NO!!!

Jessie

Weird

Things are so weird lately. I just struggle to find something normal in each day. I hate cancer. I hate chemo. I hate the powerlessness. I hate that this is our life. I broke down and cried today to my mom and well everyone at the breakfast table. I just want our life back. I want one single day of normal. Nothing fancy. I want to go to my mom's and eat a meal that we made and sit at her table and joke around. And then I wanna play Mexican Train Dominos and laugh and just be us. And I want to not think about time and blood counts and life. I just want an ordinary day. One ordinary day!!!!

That's not gonna happen again probably. And I hate that too!!!

Jessie

Weekend

Well the weekend has flown by! Saturday I took Bel to tumbling and she did a good job. She is getting better at listening and understanding the routine. They used the high balance beam and she looked like such a big kid. It is hard to believe that she is old enough to do those things. Her mom is pregnant again and she is struggling with the idea of a new little person coming to live at her house. I think once he is here she will be fine with it. Yes I said he. His name will be Jorgen which I think is kinda cool.

After tumbling I headed out to see Heather. We had a great day. We went to lunch, went to the mall and shopped and then got pedicures. I wasn't prepared for a pedicure so we had to stop at Old Navy and buy me a pair of flip and flops but now my toes are beautiful!!! I love pedicures. I hadn't been that relaxed in weeks. After I got home from seeing her I went out for drinks with a friend. Yes a boy. The one I talked to for so long the other night. We had a good time. I kinda like him!

Today Fly Lady actually kicked in again and I cleaned my house. I just kept setting the timer for 15 minutes at a time and I got it done pretty quick. It makes me feel a lot better to have a clutter free house. I don't like the dirt and piles and disorganization. Since I got that done I didn't feel one bit guilty about watching movies and doing nothing this afternoon.

I don't wanna go back to work tomorrow.

Jessie

To Cut or Not

Okay the debate of the week at work has been over circumcision. Should people circumcise their little boys or not.... I say NO! Pretty much everyone else says yes. I don't get this. Why in the heck would you cut something off of your baby. If little boys weren't supposed to wear hats why would God give them one to start out with???? Why would you inflict pain on your baby for no reason??? Won't the rest of the "weinis" as Darby called it today get cold???

There is just no way I could do this to my kid. Most of the ladies said it's for hygiene purposes and to reduce infections. However, I have been doing some research tonight and some studies say that circumcised men tend to have more urinary tract infections than those that are uncircumcised. So I say keep the skin!

If some doctor wanted to cut off part of a little girls clitoris people would be in an uproar. In fact some famous celebrities are trying to stop such things in other countries. But we just line our little boys up for a snip snip here and a snip snip there. I just don't get how you take away a part of their little bodies for no reason. There has to be some happy little feelers in that skin. Little nerve endings that would make them very happy someday. My guess is that if all men were able to keep there foreskin there would be less fighting in the world. Just think in their first day of life they learn that lights are way to bright, it's pretty cold on the outside and that people will cut up your wiener if you give them the chance. No wonder men have issues!!!! Just say no to clipping!!!!

I told the gals at the office that I would put our little debate out there on the website and let you all decide.... I'm sure that my kind and sensitive readers are on my side here... :-)

Jessie

Best Day

This has just been the best day! First my mom got her PET scan results back. They had told her the last time in Chicago that she had some spots on her liver and one on her lung that they thought were cancer. So they did the PET scan to see where it had spread to. And the PET scan shows that it is still contained in the pancreas and blood vessels around it. So that is WONDERFUL!!! It hasn't spread which gives us more time. Very good news.

It sure is funny how my perception of good and bad news has changed in the last month. They gave us the same exact diagnosis on February 6th and it was just horrifying. Now it seems like we won the lottery. Not that she has it but that it hasn't spread. It's just amazing to me. We take any piece of good that we can get!

And then I got a call from my nurse with my blood test results from my A1c diabetes check. It was a 6.3 which is almost normal. It's gone down quite a bit in 3 months. Once you are at a 6.5 you are no longer at risk for the side effects of diabetes like kidney failure, blindness, and foot loss, so that is great. And then the normal range is 4.0-6.0 so I'm almost normal. My goal for the next three months is to get to a 5.7. That would make me a very happy girl!!!

More later!
Jessie

Wow

Okay it's 4:30 and I'm awake. But I feel amazing. I fell asleep at 10:05 and slept straight thru till now. So 6 1/2 hours is my new record. I'm so pleased. I could handle this. If I could get 6 hours of sleep each night I would be so dang happy!

Better

Feeling better tonight. The happy pills are actually working! The new doctor who is amazing gave me Klonopin to help me sleep and relax. And I took it about ten minutes ago and I'm feeling very sleepy! It could be a good night. I LOVE her!!!

I bought the James Blount CD today. It is very good. I've been listening to it most of the night while I cleaned. He has an odd voice for a man but I like it.

Gonna have a busy day at work tomorrow... Kinda dreading that but at least I get to wear jeans since it's Friday.

Later

Jessie

Fiber

The lovely nutritionist lady from my diabetes ed class looked at my meal plan and gave me some new goals. Now I'm supposed to increase the amount of fiber I eat. I was already getting 20 grams but she wants me between 25-30 grams. So she suggested that if I would just eat 1/2 cup of Fiber One for breakfast it would meet my goal. So I said sure. What the hell was I thinking.

This crap tastes and feels like I'm eating sticks and twigs. It's horrible. I even mixed it in with my yougert thinking that would make it better. I was so so wrong. It's still nasty in my mouth. I don't want it. I'm thinking I'm just gonna have to eat a couple more apples a day or something else. YUCK!

Jessie

Funny

Okay I'm watching Jay Leno and Tim Allen is on there. Seriously he is the funniest guy to me. I would marry him right now! He is the kinda guy I need. Him or Denzel Washington. I'll wait for both of them.

Alone

Well mom and Donna headed for Chicago today. She will be gone till Monday so I'm alone again. I hate it when she leaves. This morning I went and ate breakfast with her and then cried for a good while after I left there. But I kinda got it back together for a decent rest of the day.

Now I'm home and lonely. I hate the night. We were talking about it at work today and the night is always the worst! It's long and dark. But it will be okay. I worked out again and I've painted my toenails. I'm gonna be okay. It's just 8 1/2 hours till morning...

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. I'm switching doctors. My old doctor who I loved was mom's doctor. And now he won't look me in the eye. I think he feels like he let me down. And when I tried to talk to him about putting me on different meds for depression or anxiety and he couldn't handle my crying. I don't blame him for mom being sick and I'm not angry with him at all. In fact he is my favorite doctor. But I need different meds. What I'm on isn't working and he doesn't seem willing to work with me on it... So new doctor. But I get to keep my super nurse Angela.

So tomorrow hopefully this new doctor will change my meds. She is also gonna run my A1c test for my diabetes. Meds that work would be a good thing. I don't worry so much about the depression. I think it's pretty natural to be depressed right now. But there are times when I get so upset I can't get calmed down and then I throw up and that doesn't work for me. I mainly need something that would help take the edge off of the really bad moments. So she needs to hook me up with the good stuff!

Me

Early

Well I woke up at 5:00 and couldn't go back to sleep... So I've worked out, done a load of laundry, gotten ready for work, read my people magazine, and now I'm just waiting. I would go to the office but today my mom leaves for Chicago so I am going out to her place to have breakfast with her. I wanna see her before she leaves today. But I don't want to get out there before she wakes up. That would be bad!

Have my diabetes class again tonight. Last night wasn't bad. It was the nutritionist and I like that. Tonight is the pharmacist and I'm kinda dreading that.

It rained more last night. So my tulips look fabulous this morning! I love the rain. It feels like we haven't had any in forever. Watch now that it has started it won't stop and I'll be complaining about my flowers being flooded in a couple weeks. There is just no in between in good old Kansas.

Jessie

Boys

Okay I just got off the phone with a boy. I was on the phone with him for 56 minutes! How crazy is that. And yes I know I use to many cell phone minutes but since it's after 9 it was my free nights minutes so I won't go over this month. But seriously this boy is different. Like nice and caring and not the usual boy that talks to me. It scares me a little. I wasn't even able to be rude to him like I'm usually rude to boys. Usually I try to scare them off before they turn into real jerks but he doesn't seem jerk like. I was nice and witty and non ball breaking throughout the conversation... I even flirted a bit. I agreed to going out for a drink this weekend. What am I doing!!!! I let my guard down slightly. ODD!

Good Night

Jessie

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRICKET!!!!

Diabetes Education

Well started the first night of diabetes education. I HATE IT!!! It was a nightmare. It was so so so boring. I can't even describe it. First I was the youngest person there by at least 30 years. Second, I was the only person there without a support person. I was supposed to take mom but well she has pancreatic cancer and that beats out diabetes every time! So I was alone in my boredom. And most importantly there were no cookies. They had broccoli and carrots for snacks. YUCK! I don't understand why they didn't give us any cookies. :-)

I am hoping that tomorrow night will be better. The nutritionist will be there and I like her. Hopefully she will give me some good ideas of things to try to change my diet. I'm always open to that. If it will make my fat come off faster I'm a big fan of it... So I'm gonna cross my fingers.

I am going out to mom's early tomorrow for her disability interview. Since I filled out all the paperwork I thought I should probably be there for it. I am hoping I did the paperwork right and it won't take them too long to get the needed info figured out so she can start getting some help. That would be a very good thing. We will just have to wait and see I suppose.

Over and Out

Jessie

Tumbling in Review

Darby asked if Bel actually "did" tumbling this week. And the answer is kinda! The first time we went involved much crying and arguing and lack of participation in anything other than somersaults or frog jumps. But she did better this time. There was no crying so that is big success!

She did all of the things the other kids did. Just in her own unique Bel type way. She for sure dances to her own tune. They were doing the balance beam and she was very excited about it. So excited she wouldn't wait in line and about knocked another little kid off to go again. And she informed the teacher that her big finish involves a somersault rather than the hands in the air... And at one point she did kicks clear across the gym while the other kids stayed in the designated area.... But there was NO CRYING!!!

As we were leaving she said, "I didn't cry like a baby this time, but I know I'm not a good listener..." I didn't really know what to say to that so I just replied that maybe she "could work on that." God I love that kid. A part of me thinks that the lack of attention and focus is a bad thing. But then I love it that she does her own thing and doesn't get caught up in other people's ideas of how things "should be". Seriously why do kids have to walk in straight lines? At least my girl isn't afraid to zig zag... I think I'll keep her. She may never be the best tumbler but dang she is funny and she is unique and that is better than any frog jumper I've ever seen!!!

Jessie

Good Morning

Wow I actually slept through the night! I woke up at 7:45 this morning and that was it. I've been getting up for a couple hours in the middle of the night each night. So the whole night sleeping deal is pretty dang exciting to me. I feel like a big kid now!

I watched that new show Conviction last night. VERY GOOD. I'm impressed. It has some of the people from Law and Order but not too many. And it's just about the lawyer piece, no cops. So I think I am gonna like it. I'm addicted to Law and Order so this new one will just slide right in with no problem... I'm a freak about legal shows. Don't know why exactly... But I am.

Jess

Weirdo

Took Bel to tumbling today. On the ride there she wasn't as talkative as usual. So I figured she was playing with her stuff in the back seat. Well I pull in the parking lot, shut off the car, and turn around.... And this is what I see!!!




She just cracks me up! I didn't even know that mask was back there!!! How I ever survived in the world before she was born I will never know. She is so incredibly funny and sweet and just a huge breath of fresh air. Not only does she do physical humor but she also had a new joke today....

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino......

Jessie

Friday

TGIF!!! I'm so ready for the weekend. This has just felt like the longest week ever. Work sucked today. I got a lot of stuff done but not a single thing that was on my to do list. Kinda frustrating.

Went to mom's after work and she was doing okay. My aunt Betty is back so that is nice. My Aunt Donna is coming tomorrow also so all of my mom's sisters will be there at one time. That should be fun.

tomorrow is also tumbling for Miss Bel. Hopefully she will like it more this time around. Last time she wasn't too thrilled about it. So we will try again....

Going to bed soon

Jessie

So Proud!!!

I'm soooo proud of my Dad. He quit smoking. I guess he hasn't smoked since the day he went back to Baton Rouge. I think that is very cool. I'm really impressed and a bit inspired. If it was up to me he would live in a safe little bubble but quitting smoking is enough of a safety precaution for me right now! That is very cool. So Dad if you are reading this YOU ROCK!!!!

Love ya!
Jessie

The Place

I was talking with Darby's mom today about my feelings. I was trying to describe it... Give it a word, a look, a feel, something. And I just couldn't. But tonight it's starting to come together for me.

I was running. Yes the fat girl went running. I thought if I ran and ran I would run away from it all. I didn't get away but I'm worn out so I guess that is success. I actually ran for 30 minutes. I don't know how exactly. I've done more things in the past 30 days that I never thought I could do so I guess this is just one more to add to the list.

But I realized that I've gone to a place. It's a place far away from anywhere I've ever been. It's a deep place that I don't understand. Everything is sharper and harsher and just incredibly real. The pain is more intense than I ever thought I could know. The anger is hot and cruel and uncontrollable. The fear engulfs me in a way I can't describe. The desperation is like hunger of the worst kind. But oddly enough there is also this strange feeling of simpleness. It's like all the bullshit has gone away....

What used to matter doesn't matter anymore. The simple little things bring me more joy than I ever knew could exist. I never knew that a little laugh, a hug, a quiet dinner, or just a certain ringtone on my cell phone could bring me so much happiness. There is no time left to waste on crap... I just wake up grateful everyone I love is still breathing and I get another chance at another day.

I don't really like the place... It's to real and raw and cruel and overwhelming. I don't like it but I'm there. And I don't have a choice in being there. But I have a choice in dealing with it. Regardless of how far I want to run away or how deep of a hole I want to dig to hide in I'm in the place. And I guess I might as well get comfy...

Jessie

Heart Attack

Okay seriously I opened my phone bill and about crapped my pants! It's $335.91!!! And that is after the $225 bill last month that a very nice anonymous person paid for me. I knew this month would be high but I wasn't counting on that! I had to email Dad and Cricket and ask them to help me this month. I was going to call them but I'm scared to use my freaking phone. I have to go to Alltel tomorrow and see if I can up the minutes on my phone! This is ridiculous!